Clannad: Tomoya's Lost Years
by jukkou
Summary: Tomoya has been left emotionally scarred by the tragic death of his late wife, spending almost an entire year in agony and depression. However, this all changes when he is unexpectedly reunited with an old friend from his high school years. It is a story of life, adulthood, and love. [Alternate Universe/Ending to Clannad After Story]
1. Chapter 1: Dango Daikazoku

_Preface__:_

_I have taken the liberty of rewriting parts of the first chapters to try and keep them on par with the quality of the more recent chapters. For those of you who have been reading C:TLY since its release, you may have been aware of my intentions to end the light novel at chapter eleven. However, plans have changed and I am continuing the story for reasons I will explain later on; probably in my profile for those genuinely interested. Also, located in my profile is a chapter status update so you know where I am at in terms of completion. I promise to try not to go on hiatus that long again. Another thing, the light novel has been divided into story arcs classified by the following titles:_

_Arc One, CH 1-6: 'How she fell in love for the second time.'  
Arc Two, CH 7-11: 'How he fell in love for the second time.'_

_For those reading for the first time: Please enjoy chapter one._

_jukkou_

* * *

_Arc One__: How She Fell in Love for the Second Time_

**Chapter 1: Dango Daikazoku**

.

_"Nagisa?"_

_..._

_"Nagisa..?"_

_..._

_"Feel that? It's Ushio's cheek._

_Yeah? Feel that?"_

_..._

_"Nagisa,_

_You said you'll always be with me, right?_

_You said you'll always be with me..._

_W-We promised we will, many times, right?"_

_..._

_..._

_"If only we never met..."_

_._

_._

"Nagisa..." I uttered into the quiet darkness, my hand falling to the side as I tried to reach for her fading image. I could feel the cold consume me as I laid on the unforgiving hearth. I turned over to my side trying to look away from the emptiness that extended around me. I curled up into a ball ashamed of how pitiful I had become. I felt the tears trace my cheeks, falling to the floor where my head lay.

I groped through the darkness trying to find something familiar. I was reaching for her, but all I could feel was the emptiness of scattered cans and cigarette cartons. I closed my eyes no longer having the strength to keep searching. Overwhelmed by the pain and fatigue, I began to feel myself drift away.

I woke up to the sound of a phone call echoing through the silence. My arm was still outstretched across the floor where she used to sleep next to me every night, but she wasn't there anymore. I didn't have the willpower to even sit up and answer the call. I stared at my hand reaching out to the barren ground waiting for the the receiver to take their message.

The ringing continued to blare through the room for another few intervals followed by an ear-piercing beep.

"Tomoya-kun? It's Sanae. Akio and I haven't heard from you in a while. Would you like to see Ushio? She's grown so much in the past year. She said her first word just the other day... you should stop by for lunch your next day off. It's not healthy to work so much without having any fun! Akio wants to play baseball with you, doesn't that sound nice? Give me a call soon... please, Tomoya-kun?"

It's been a while since I've heard that voice. An eerie chill shot down my spine as I remembered the last time I heard that cheerful voice. The night Ushio was born... the night I lost Nagisa. They took in Ushio knowing that I was incapable of raising her alone. I couldn't bear to look them in the eye after all that has happened.

I shuddered at the thought of having to see them again. Not under these circumstances.

She said it's been almost a year, huh?

.  
.x.  
.

The sound of knocking echoed throughout the room, startling me from my sleep. I laid there motionless hoping that whoever was at the door would just leave me alone. I couldn't think of any reason why someone would be bothering me at this time. I paid all my bills and the rent on time. Why couldn't they just leave me the hell alone?

"Tomoya-kun? It's Akio and I. May you please open the door?"

My eyes widened at the sound of that familiar voice.  
This wasn't actually happening.  
This was just a nightmare, that's all.  
Some screwed up dream that took a bad turn.

The knocking continued, except louder this time.

"Tomoya, open the door already, we brought Ushio-chan with us. Don't leave your daughter outside in the cold."

I refused to accept that this was happening. I wanted to run away but my body didn't even have the strength to try. My head still ached from the alcohol last night and there wasn't anywhere to run to even if I did muster the strength. Maybe they'll go away if they think I'm asleep.

A loud creaking noise followed a series of an even louder pounding at my door.

"Oi, sorry about th- To-Tomoya..?"

Through the blinding light coming in through the door, I could make out two figures standing in the doorway carrying something in their arms.

"Hey Tomoya, are you okay? It's Akio."

"Yeah.. I'm fine," I mumbled back in a half-awake daze. I opened my eyes more, the light passing through my retinas burned like acid violently awaking my dulled senses. I shifted my gaze towards Akio whose hand was extended towards me, gesturing his intentions to help me sit up. I refused his offer. Each movement I made trying to sit up sent each muscle and joint screaming in excruciating pain. I could feel their stares weigh down my body, ridiculing me as I struggled in agonizing shame. I don't know what hurt more; my body or their empathy.

"Tomoya-kun, how have you been doing?" asked Sanae completely disregarding the state of my apartment which alone would have answered her question.

"Fine... I'm doing fine."  
I was obviously lying through my teeth.

"I'm glad to hear that you are," she replied with a smile. "Would you like to meet Ushio? You haven't seen her in a while. Look how much she's grown!"

I hadn't realized until that moment that Sanae had been holding Ushio. She really had grown. She looked so much different from the first time I held her that day. Her hair was a warm chestnut exactly like Nagisa's with the exception those antenna-like strands of hair Nagisa could never keep down. Her eyes were a perfect replica as well; an innocent deep gold, tinged with copper.

"She has."

"Why don't you try holding her? I'm sure Ushio-chan misses you." Akio beckoned me towards Ushio with one hand as he ruffled her hair with the other.

I shook my head at him, declining his offer. I haven't held Ushio since Nagisa left. I'm scared of remembering that day if I hold her. "No, it's fine."

Akio grimaced at my response, audibly exhaling in dissatisfaction. He quickly reached into his pocket for a cigarette carton and in a few swift motions of his hand placed an unlit cigarette into his mouth. He continued to brush Ushio's hair with the other hand.

"Are you hungry Tomoya-kun?" asked Sanae gesturing at the containers of food set on the table. "We brought food for you. I'm sure you haven't been eating properly with how busy you have been lately."

"Oh- uh, thank you..." Truthfully, Sanae was right. The only solid meal that I ate in a day was lunch with Yoshino since Kouko always packed extra for both of us. I was so busy with work back then that Nagisa would normally prepare each meal. On the way home from work I would just pick up whatever looked good at the convenience store along with a few beers or cigarettes.

Sanae had handed Ushio to Akio who had been organizing his surroundings with his foot, moving empty beer cans and improvised ash-trays to the side. I hadn't cleaned the house for some time. Cigarette butts lay disarrayed across the table next to a half-empty sake bottle. The floor wasn't much better, old wrappers and papers were scattered between the piles of beer cans and cigarette cartons. The only habitable area was a single pillow and blanket on a worn out mat.

Sanae was smiling as she proceeded to set the table for lunch. It was shameful that she was taking care of me as a son still, even when I didn't deserve it. She carefully unpacked the bentos and placed them on the table, giving each of us an equal portion of rice and chopsticks. I couldn't help but be reminded of those days when we would gather around the table as a family. I would have never known what it felt like to have a family without those two.

Sanae took a seat directly across from me placing Ushio in her lap. Akio sat down to her left within arm's reach of Ushio.

"Itadakimasu!"

Sanae cheerfully placed Ushio's hands together to mimic proper manners, with Akio immediately following suit. I silently began my meal avoiding eye contact with everyone as I ate.

Sanae immediately started the conversation, nullifying any chance of silence during our meal.

"You know Tomoya-kun, you never called me back. So Akio and I thought it would be a good idea if we just visit you as a surprise instead. I hope you don't mind us stopping by like this."

"Yeah, you missed the baseball game yesterday. We needed a star-batter up on the plate. We were hoping you'd be able to make it. Of course with an arm like this," Akio began to flaunt his muscles to Ushio who cooed in reply, "We managed to win. But still, you should have been there."

"Sorry... I'll call next time." I quit the sport all together since it only reminded me of those days when I was trying to earn Akio's approval for Nagisa's hand in marriage. I wanted to avoid anything that reminded me of Nagisa. Life was painful enough without her, I didn't need to be constantly reminded of it.

I was too ashamed to properly thank Sanae for giving up the time to prepare all of this for me. Despite my lack of contribution, the conversation at the table carried on with Akio and Sanae enthusiastically speaking about yesterday's neighborhood baseball game. I found myself staring at Ushio whenever I looked up. I began to wonder if Nagisa were still here if she would be holding Ushio like Sanae was right now. If it wasn't for Ush-

No... I shouldn't think things like that.

This is what Nagisa wanted. I tried my hardest to convince myself that was the truth. Nagisa was determined to have Ushio even at the cost of her life.  
I know she was prepared to give her life for Ushio... but I wasn't. The thought of Ushio never existing plagued my mind as I continued to try and eat.

"Tomoya-kun, are you alright? You're crying." I felt Sanae's hand on top of mine as she tried to comfort me. I became conscious to the tears tracing down my cheeks. As I wiped away the tears, an unfamiliar noise suddenly pierced the room. It was the sound of Ushio crying.

"Oh no, Ushio is crying. I'll take her outside for a second, okay Akio?"

Sanae was cradling Ushio as she made her way towards the door. I sat there clueless as those two rushed to her aid, unable to do anything but watch. As I watched them comfort Ushio, I realized that I could never be the man that Nagisa needed me to be. My own daughter was in need of help, but I was incapable of doing anything for her. And then something unexpected happened; they were singing a song that I never wanted to hear again.

_"Dango, dango, dango, dango, dango, dango daikazoku  
__Dango, dango, dango, dango, dango daikazoku  
__Yancha na yaki dango yasashii an-dango  
__Sukoshi yumemigachi na tsukimi-dango  
__Osumashi goma-dango yotsugo kushi dango  
__Minna minna awasete hyakunin kazoku__..."_

As Sanae and Akio continued to sing, I began to hear Nagisa's voice.  
_"Dango, dango, dango, dango, dango, dango daikazoku."_

I became numb and felt the impact of my body hit the ground; her voice echoed through my mind with each word.  
_"Dango, dango, dango, dango, dango daikazoku."_

Nagisa's voice began to fade into the distance; I reached out trying to hold onto her so she wouldn't leave me again..  
_"Dango, dango, dango, dango, dango daikazo- "_

_._

But she was gone.

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes:_

_- The opening of the chapter was quoted from Episode 16 of Clannad: After Story during the scene of Okazaki Ushio's birth._

_- If an unfamiliar word or phrase is italicized, there will be a definition or explanation at the bottom of each chapter as a point of reference._

_._

_._

_*Disclaimer - I do not claim any ownership of Clannad or its characters._


	2. Chapter 2: An Old River

**Chapter 2: An Old River**

.

_"Tomoya-kun. Wake up, Tomoya-kun! You'll be late for class!"_

"NAGISA!"

My eyes were wide open staring at a ceiling illuminated solely by a break between the curtains. My breathing was uneasy and fast-paced; I could feel my heart pounding against the inside of my chest as if it was trying to escape. The shadow of my outstretched arm reached across the floor reminding me the sad truth of reality: that no matter how far I reach for her she will never come back to me. I felt nauseated trying to stomach the thought that Nagisa was forever gone.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hand. The familiar pungent smell of alcohol and cigarettes did not permeate the room anymore. I glanced around the room and, much to my surprise, everything was cleaned and organized. I must have slept through everything. I stood up and walked over to the sink to pour myself a glass of water to get rid of the dryness in my throat. My lips cracked as I opened my mouth to take a sip of water.

Resting on the table was a bento elegantly wrapped as if it were intended for an important occasion. Attached to the meal was a carefully folded note, reminiscent of those dramatic confessions by an amorous secret lover on TV. I placed my glass on the table next to the bento and carefully removed the note.

" 'Tomoya-kun,

Thank you for allowing us the time to share a wonderful meal with you. You seemed exhausted from all your hard work at Hikarizaka Electric Company! We didn't want to wake you so we left you what was left from lunch and cleaned up a bit so you would be able to rest comfortably. I'm sure you were having trouble finding time to clean up from working so much. Remember to take a break and have fun!

With love,

Furukawa Sanae and Akio

and Okazaki... Ushio' "

"Have fun, Sanae-san?" I muttered to myself. "I don't remember how to anymore."

Placing the note back onto the table, I untied the knot that secured the bento together and began to eat the leftover food. I sat there for a while in the silence. Nothing significant passed through my mind as I sat motionless. However, I began to wonder if this really was what all my life would amount to. I realized that a longing for something intangible began to fill the void in my heart left from that day. I can't begin to describe what it is though. It would be like trying to describe a color or an emotion: you can see or feel it, but defining it in its entirety is near impossible.

"Shit!" My eyes wandered over to the clock as I got lost in my thoughts, reminding me that I was about to be late for work. I hastily packed away what was left of the bento and looked around for a change of clothes. As I rushed through the door I heard a faint voice in the back of my mind whisper, _"Itterashai!"_

.  
.x.  
.

"Aye, Tomoya, you're late."

Yoshino was already working on the first job despite my absence. From what I could tell he was running a diagnostic check on a light pole to confirm the reported deficiencies. He was balancing effortlessly as he prepared cables for the job. He was always one step ahead of me without ever meaning to be. Every time I made a mistake he was always there to cover me. I'm still not sure whether or not I'm a nuisance to him; he doesn't show it at least.

"S-sorry.. Yo.. Yoshino-san." I apologized between breaths; I ran the entire way over to make up for my tardiness.

"Just don't do it again. Catch your breath and let's get to work."

Yoshino never asked about Nagisa nor did he treat me any different after the incident. In a way, he helped me cope through it all. I was fully capable of working on my own at this point, but he insisted that I continue to work with him. As long as I was focused on the task at hand I could keep my mind off of her. So I began to work extra hours and days since we were short-handed on staff; at least that was my excuse to work so much. Work had become the drug that allowed me to forget the pain.

But today was different; I felt uneasy even while working. It was that same familiar feeling again from before. I began to make novice mistakes and forget where things were. Yoshino's constant reminding that there was no room for mistakes in our job made it even harder to concentrate. I tried my best to shrug it off and continue working. I couldn't allow them to send me home early for something as minor as this.

"Are you feeling alright Tomoya?" questioned Yoshino as he made his way down from a utility pole. "If you're feeling feverish you shouldn't be working."

"I'm fine. I was just thinking about something, that's all."

Yoshino gave me a concerned look before he continued working on the next one. "If you say so. Go home early today though so you don't overwork yourself."

We continued the day as we normally would, stopping for lunch midway through the day and finishing just before daybreak. I opted that it would be better to take Yoshino's advice and not stay in as late as I normally did. As I gave my farewell to the office and my co-workers I decided to go to the convenience store across town instead of the usual one on my way home. Maybe the extra walking would help clear my mind and give me an answer.

I laughed at the notion. How was I supposed to find an answer to something as intangible as a feeling? And that answer was going to be at a convenience store? Was it supposed to manifest itself out of thin air as I purchase a pack of _Peace_? Maybe smoking a pack of _Hope_ instead will solve my problems.

I smirked at my own joke, making me feel more pathetic than before.

As I walked along the sidewalks I couldn't help but notice the rest of the world living their lives around me. Was I the only one stuck, incapable of moving forward? I saw students in their fall uniforms heading home in groups, laughing and enjoying each other's company. If I remember correctly, the cultural festival should be happening soon.

While watching them I began to remember the Theater Club and the times we spent together. How the club began with only Nagisa and I struggling to find members. And how we all worked so hard to make that play.

_That's right_, I asked her then... I wonder what would have happened if I didn't? Would she still be here..?

I passed by Sunohara's old dormitory, not realizing that it was along this route. I saw Sagara Misae sweeping the entrance as usual in her faded yellow apron while Katsuki relaxed nearby purring contently. I remembered the time we had tea with Misae and how Katsuki told me of their story. She kept all that loneliness bottled up and was strong enough to keep living the way she did despite it all. I'm sure she felt the way I do, but she is a stronger person. After all, she was a successful president of the student council who even Tomoyo seeks mentorship from and I'm just me, Okazaki Tomoya.

As I passed the dormitory I realized just how familiar the path I was taking really was. I reached an intersection and the entirety of my situation became apparent. The street to my right was the path I would take to go home every day before I met Nagisa. The street to my left led to Furukawa Bakery. As I stood here at this old river, memories of the time I spent with Nagisa began to proliferate my mind like a virus. I don't know why, but I started running. I was running as fast as I could trying to get away from there.

Images of everything we had done from our first encounter under the cherry blossom trees to the last of her days appeared each step I took forward. Each memory was like a movie reel being projected onto the buildings and walls that enclosed around me. The sounds of each film were overlapping each other, making all the noise incomprehensible. It felt as if the volume was being turned up every step I took forward. As I kept running everything became more vivid.

I re-experienced all the emotions simultaneously like punches to my body.

_"Tomoya-kun! Wake up Tomoya-kun!"_

Nagisa's voice rang through my mind driving me to the limits of sanity.

_"Tomoya-kun... I want to have a baby."_

I felt the sharp sting of tears drying against my face as I pushed against the wind. I kept running until I couldn't any longer. I felt my knees hit the hard pavement as I collapsed to the ground. I futilely slammed my fist against the pavement trying to make the pain go away. I wanted to scream and yell, but I couldn't; I felt devoid of all willpower and strength. I lingered there panting and trembling, trying to recuperate while tears streamed down my face.

People passed by me pretending that I didn't exist. I was a grown man on his knees pathetically crying in the middle of the street. I was reminded of how cold this world was and how lonely I've become without Nagisa. I didn't want to exist anymore.

_And the world just continued to go on around me._

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes:_

_- "Itterashai" is a phrase normally used when a family member leaves the home although it may be used in other situations such as between close friends._

_- Peace and Hope are the brand names of Japanese cigarettes produced by Japan Tobacco._

_- 'Old river' is Furukawa, Nagisa's family name, translated into English._


	3. Chapter 3: Vices

**Chapter 3: Vices**

.

I found myself in an unfamiliar neighborhood. I'm sure I've been here a few times doing work with Yoshino but I only recognize so much of the area. In my attempt to run away, I passed my original destination by a few kilometers. I figured that if I found a convenience store I could ask for directions to the nearest train station. I'm sure I saw one when I was putting new light poles up a few months ago; now all I have to do is find it.

It doesn't help that all these new buildings look the same either. I feel like I'm walking down the same path multiple times thinking that I'm actually getting closer. I have to admit, as frustrating as the situation is, I did accomplish what I planned originally; I nearly forgot about everything since I became so focused on getting back home.

By this time of night all the street lights were lit. I figure that most stores would be closed at this hour so the illuminated signs of a convenience store should be easy to find. You would think so at least. I made my way down a street that looked like it would be home to what I was looking for. Cars seemed to traverse this road often so a gas stand was bound to be here somewhere.

After a short while I was able to see the well-lit sign of what looked like a gas stand or convenience store. As I approached the area I was able to make out the kanji for Hisakawa brightly lit in red. The name Hisakawa struck me as familiar, but I couldn't recall anything specific. There were two self-serve stations for customers to use with a plastic sign that said, "Pay inside before using the station please," above them. A woman with a bright red helmet on a white scooter was pulling out of one of the gasoline pumps as I made my way towards the store.

As I entered through the glass door plastered with advertisements, I was greeted immediately with '_Irasshaimase!'_ by a woman who looked like she may have been in her late forties.

"Which station will you be paying for tonight?"

"Neither. I'm just buying a few things." I was hoping that a quick response wouldn't stimulate further conversation. Alas, my plan was doomed for failure.

"Ah, I see! Are you from this area? I don't believe we've met. I usually know all my customers by name."

"Yeah, I'm from the other side of town." I tried to make my way towards the back of the store to end the conversation but she continued to follow me clearly with intentions to keep talking.

"So! What are you looking for exactly? I'm sure I can help you."

Obviously I wasn't going to tell her alcohol and cigarettes.

"Um, ramen." I don't know why the hell I said, but apparently ramen is Pandora's box in this god forsaken store.

"Ramen! I love ramen, too! My favorite is tonkotsu! I recently started trying the Tokyo-style ever since I saw it on TV. It has dashi, menma, sliced pork, egg, and all other kinds of good stuff! I never tried Sapporo miso ramen, the kind from Hokkaido, but I saw that on TV too and it looked sooooo good! I don't know about you, but I can eat ramen for every meal. Right? Am I right? I'm sure you know what I mean. Say, have you tried this one? This one over here is good too. I love this one!"

She continued like this for a good five minutes while throwing various types of instant ramen noodles into a basket. I nearly forgot this woman was practically twice my age. Nodding my head and agreeing to whatever she said seemed to satisfy her as I grabbed what I originally came here for.

As I was looking around I noticed how different everything was these days. It wasn't just buildings and the city that was changing; everything within it was as well. Things that I grew up with as a child were being replaced with 'new and improved' versions of their original. This city wasn't satisfied with taking just Nagisa away from me, it obviously needed to take my childhood too.

I need a cigarette.

I made my way to the counter to make my selection for lung cancer with my beyond ecstatic helper following right behind me; she was continuing to advise me on the intricate art of instant ramen recipes. I decided on a pack of Mild Seven menthols since I needed to get with the rest of the world; might as well join them on how to properly kill myself slowly.

As the lady scanned each item she had become quiet, which I'm fine with but I'm not sure if she realized I wasn't paying attention and became offended.

"¥ 1,958 please."

"Ah, sure."

Holy shit! When did ramen become so expensive! I reluctantly reached into my pocket to pull out the money. As I handed her ¥ 2,000 I noticed she was staring at me; as if she wasn't weird enough. While still staring me straight in the face, she reached into the register glancing down momentarily only to count the proper change. I tried my best to smile as I took the change and my bag from her to which she mumbled, "_Domo,_" as if in deep thought. I gave her a nod of acknowledgement and made my way towards the door finally free of this woman and her obsessive fetish for ramen.

"Okazaki..? You are Okazaki Tomoya! I knew I recognized you! How is your father, Naoyuki? We're old friends! Don't you remember me? It's been a real long time Tomoya-kun. You've grown so much! You know, you remind me of your father."

I had been already halfway out the door, my left hand still grasping onto the door handle. I felt the trembling in my arm as I gripped the door; the same kind that appears when you're so angry that every muscle in your body is contracted trying to hold in every bit of rage inside of you from erupting. Without so much as an acknowledgement, I slammed the door shut with every ounce of strength I could muster and stormed off.

I wanted to shout and scream at the world. I took the carton of cigarettes and beer from the brown paper bag and threw the rest as far away as I could. My hands were trembling as I tried to light a cigarette; my fingers kept missing the thumbwheel over and over again. I finally lit one and opened the can of beer. I didn't want to breathe this city's air anymore; I wanted nothing more than to leave this city entirely. Each breath I took was through that cigarette filter, releasing a menthol aroma into my mouth that escaped through my nose each exhalation. I only stopped to gulp down as much alcohol as possible.

I quickly realized that this wouldn't be enough and staggered towards the nearest bar. As I walked through the streets in search of one I could see the condescending stares passing by. I didn't care this time. I'm an Okazaki. I'm used to being screwed over by life and disliked by everyone; their whispers and stares just confirmed the truth.

I stumbled into a bar that I've never been in before. I didn't care as long as they let me drink myself into liver failure. I made my way to the furthest bar stool, passing by the other tenants. The laughter and chatting I heard shortly turned into whispers behind my back. I sat down and glanced around the bar realizing that I had just entered an _izakaya_ judging by the atmosphere and clientele.

"Evening! What can I start you off with?" The barmaid continued to place a menu of their dishes on the counter for me to see. "This one is a favorite right here," she pointed at a picture on the menu, "our _karaage_."

"_Yamazaki_. No ice."

She shot me a look of concern. Apparently it was customary to order food first before drinks.

"Hey, let me get you something to eat first. On me, okay?"

"You really don't ne-"

"No, trust me, it's fine." She smiled at me as she took a step back. She had short brown hair tinged with dark red and a heart-shaped face. As she walked away I noticed she was wearing a rather... provocative skirt. I suppose that's a selling point. I sat there examining the liquor collection displayed along the wall in front of me. A short while later she came back with _karaage_ in one hand while she waved at me with the other.

"I thought the _kaarage_ would be appropriate since I did say it was a favorite here." She winked at me as she placed the plate on the counter in front of me. "_Yamazaki_ without ice was it?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Rough day at work I'm guessing?" She was pouring some of the whiskey into a glass nearby.

"You could say that." She passed the glass along to me and poured herself a glass of water.

"What's your name?"

"Tomoya."

"I'm Akane, _yoroshiku_." She winked at me again as she said that. "You haven't touched the _karaage_, Tomoya-kun. You don't like it?" Akane pouted at me; I'm not sure what she was trying to accomplish with all of this.

"Sorry, I guess I'm just not that hungry." I swallowed most of the whiskey in one gulp. The burning sensation warmed my body immediately. I finished what was left of the glass before I put it down. Whiskey had this euphoric feeling to it when you drank the right amount. "Can I get one more?"

"Yeah, of course." She grabbed the bottle of _Yamazaki _and filled the glass again. "Don't drink too fast, you haven't eaten anything yet." She picked up the chopsticks and selected a piece of the _karaage__, _waving it in the air in front of me. "I can feed you if you won't take any yourself. I didn't bring this out for myself, you know."

I responded with another gulp of the whiskey. To be honest, I wasn't really interested in her. I hadn't any interest in other women for some time now. I took a small sip before continuing. "No thanks."

"Nn, you're no fun. If you want to talk let me know," she winked at me again. "I'll leave the bottle here since I'm sure you're not done just yet."

I finished my second glass of whiskey in silence, the way I wanted it. Her offer was definitely more interesting the more I thought about it. I poured another glass and decided to take a bite of the _karaage_. It actually did taste good; I probably should have tried it when she offered it. I sipped at the whiskey this time, trying to savor the age and flavor. I retrieved the carton of menthol cigarettes from my pocket and placed one in my mouth. The soothing sensation of the cool air passing through my lungs while sipping the whiskey was euphoric. I reached the bottom of my glass sooner than I expected. I felt the effects of the alcohol take hold of me as I lit a second cigarette.

I started to remember the lady at the convenience store. Did she honestly think I resembled my father? Was that how this world saw me? Just as the son of Okazaki Naoyuki? Because of him my life has been ruined. He's a drunk who hit a dead-end and never recovered... is that what people think of me too?

I threw back the rest of my fourth glass and poured myself another round. Maybe it's true... That's why she's gone; someone like me doesn't deserve to be happy. If it wasn't for me talking to her that day she would still be here. I caused Nagisa's death... if only I never confronted her under those cherry blossom trees. I can't even take care of Ushio, the one thing she wanted most. How can I still bear to look at myself each day knowing I did that to her?

As I poured my sixth round I could feel that five was already too much. I wasn't even sure how much I managed to pour into the glass. I swallowed as much of it as I could before I had to put it down. I felt an incredible weight placed upon my shoulders and neck. A mix of fatigue and nausea overwhelmed me. I tried using my arms to hold myself up on the counter but it wasn't any use. My arms gave in and I slowly saw the counter coming closer to my face. I couldn't stop it; I could only watch it all happen helplessly. Right when I knew I was going to hit the counter, everything went black.

.

I woke up to the sound of a wood scraping on metal and a hissing noise. My headache prevented me from opening my eyes. I immediately felt the aroma of food being cooked enter my system. I managed to open an eye halfway and scanned my surroundings; this definitely is not the _izakaya _from last night. I quickly realized that I had blankets on me and I was laying on a futon. I sat up hoping I'd be able to figure out where I was; honestly, I had no clue.

I tried to speak but my entire mouth and throat was dry, making my words inaudible. I stood up and walked around the room trying to find any clue or indication of where I was. I was in something of a dorm, similar to Sunohara's but with a kitchenette since I was able to smell food being cooked. _Shit. _Food is being cooked which means I'm not alone. More importantly, I was dragged off with no idea where I was or who took me. Could it have been that barmaid..?

"Tomoya, I didn't realize you were awake already. Breakfast is almost done. Are you okay with _tamagoyaki?_"

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes_:

- _'Gas stand' refers to a gas station; it is translated from the katakana directly into it's English counterpart._

_- 'Irasshaimase' is a generally a greeting used by employees to greet their customers politely._

_- 'Pandora's Box' refers to an artifact from Greek mythology that contained all the evils of the world. "Today, to open Pandora's box means to create evil that cannot be undone." (per Wikipedia)_

_- 'Mild Seven' is a common Japanese cigarette brand. Tomoya purchased a particular kind with menthol flavoring._

_- "An 'Izakaya' is a Japanese drinking establishment that serves food to accompany the drinks. They are casual places for after-work drinking." (per Wikipedia) _

_- 'Karaage' is a Japanese cooking technique in which various foods are deep fried in oil. In this case 'karaage' refers to a menu item consisting of different meats and vegetables cooked in this fashion._

_- 'Yamazaki' is a popular brand of single malt Japanese whiskey._

_- 'Tamagoyaki' is essentially a rolled omelette._


	4. Chapter 4: An Unexpected Surprise

**Chapter 4: An Unexpected Surprise**

.

"Kyou..?"

"So I'll take that as a yes?"

She was standing in front of me in the entryway of the kitchen wearing an apron and holding a pair of _saibashi_ in her right hand. She looked different from the last time I saw her, but then again, that must have been nearly a year ago or more. She still wore that white ribbon on the left side of her hair.

"Err, where am I?"

"My apartment, of course."

She did have a good point. Where the else would I be at?

"Would you happen to know why I fell asleep here?"

"You really don't remember anything at all? So, what _exactly_ do you remember then?"

"I passed out on the counter at that _izakaya_. That's all that happened, right?"

"Okazaki, you grabbed at the barmaid's chest. Then when she told you to get off her you started to make a huge commotion. You knocked your plate and glass off of the counter and started yelling at everyone. We tried to calm you down but you started to get more physical and fought back. You were yelling something about how you had the right to touch the breasts of anyone you wanted to."

I couldn't believe this all happened and I didn't remember any of it. S—t, I didn't know I even drank that much. I thought I only had five or six drinks… okay maybe that's a lot. I wasn't even there that long. Holy s—t, I drank that much within.. maybe an hour… maybe less? I can't believe I embarrassed myself like that.

"HhAHAHAHhHAHaha! ! You really believed that! ?" Kyou was sitting on the floor laughing so hard that her face was a crimson red. "You can't be serious Okazaki. The look on your face it was priceless!"

"You suck."

"You were right though about passing out on the counter. The barmaid started to freak out since you were there alone. I happened to be there with some friends so I told her that I'd take you home. By the way, you owe me for all those drinks."

"Sorry, I'll pay you back soon. Thanks.. by the way."

"Don't mention it. Also, are you hungry? I made enough for two."  
She got back on her feet and went into the kitchen to pull out a plate of _tamagoyaki. _It looked exactly like it did back then when Nagisa was sick and I ate lunch with Kyou and Ryou. "Sorry it's not much. I need to go out and buy groceries."

"No, it's fine. Thanks, you really didn't have to do this much for me. I owe you a lot already."  
Truthfully, I did. The first time I drank at a bar I drank so much that I passed out. When I came to it I was sleeping on the ground with all my personal belongings taken. I never drank that much at a bar since then in fear of making that same mistake.

We sat down around a small table that looked like it was just big enough for both of us to comfortably dine upon. I took a bite of the _tamagoyaki_ and it tasted just as good as it did those days when we were all together as a club. It definitely was nostalgic.

"Does it taste good?"

Kyou had this serious look in her eyes as if the taste of her food determined the fate of the world or something ridiculous like that.

"Yeah, it does," I took another bite as a sign of approval, "as usual."  
Apparently that was enough to satisfy her needs since she continued on with her meal contently. While taking a sip of water, I noticed that Kyou's apartment was rather small. It's perfect for a single tenant, but she must have really gone out of her way to accommodate me.  
"Thanks, again."

"So… How have you been ever since…"

"Since Nagisa has been gone? I've been doing okay, I guess."

"I was really worried. None of us have seen you in a while.. then there you were.. alone. You were drinking a lot too… It's been rough, hasn't it?"

Kyou always had this sort of confidence that when she spoke to you she would look you directly in the eyes, but right now she was different; like a side of her I've never seen. For the first time she didn't make any eye contact with me since our conversation took this turn. "Sorry, I didn't mean to be so direct. It's just… we haven't heard from you in so long."

"No, it's fine. You're right though."

"Did you want our help? We would have been there for you, you know, like old times."

"I.. I don't know. I didn't think anyone would care and everyone was already living their own lives."  
For some reason I didn't stop to think about what I was saying; it all just sort of came out.

"Still, that doesn't mean that we wouldn't have been there for you."  
Kyou let out a sigh before continuing.  
"You're still so clueless."

"Sorry. I'll try not to be anymore."

"Ehh, that was a joke. You're so depressing Okazaki."  
Kyou had that usual look on her face which said '_Okazaki, you idiot._'  
"How are you feeling? Did you sleep okay last night? Sorry that's all I could spare. I'm not used to having anyone spend the night."

"I'm fine, thank you. If you'd like, I'll put away the _futon_ and blankets for you so you're not doing everything." Kyou was already stacking the utensils and plates getting ready to wash them. It was the least I could do when she helped me out so much; especially when we weren't even close anymore.

"Sure, that would be great. Just put them in the closet over there for me."

While Kyou was washing the dishes, I looked around the room as I folded everything to see what she has been up to these days. There really wasn't much besides a photo of her and Ryou along with a few small trinkets. I took all of the folded blankets and _futon_ to the closet towards the back of the room. There was a vacant spot next to her dresser that looked like where it should belong.

"Hey Kyou, is over here fine? I don't see another _futon_ or anything." _I don't see another futon or anything_. Where did she sleep then..? _Don't tell me_… She must have slept on the floor just so I could sleep on something comfortable. "Kyou, where did you sleep last night?"

Immediately after saying that, I heard the clanking of a pan falling and a bunch of commotion ensuing right after. "What are you trying to say?" An infuriated Kyou stepped out of the kitchen with her face entirely flushed red and a random textbook locked-and-loaded in one hand. _(Where did she even get that at a time like this..?)_ "Don't flatter yourself thinking that I'd share the same bed with you!"

Where the hell did that idea even come from! I started turning just as red as her for some reason and I could feel my cheeks burning. Wait, why was I turning red too!

"I didn't think that at all! I just thought you slept on the floor so I could have the _futon_. How did that even cross your mind? !"

"I-I don't know! ... Stop looking at me like that! !"

Kyou ran back into the kitchen while I stood there very confused about what just happened. I laughed out loud a little bit. Compared to last night, this morning has taken a very different turn from my usual way of life. It was almost like we were still back in high school. I have to admit, I felt very comfortable; the most I had in a long time. Maybe all I needed was a small break like this from life.

A little later Kyou came out of the kitchen trying to not make any eye contact. From what I could tell she was still a bit flushed from earlier.

"You suck Okazaki."

I couldn't help but laugh at her dismay. To think that a simple question would have escalated to this extent was hilarious. Apparently, she didn't think it was as funny as I did.

"Why are you laughing at me!"  
Kyou started to turn a deeper red as she became more flustered. I couldn't help but continue laughing at her. "Just so you know I slept on the floor! It wasn't anything like that at all!"

"Like what, Kyou? I have no clue what you're talking about."  
I still couldn't stop laughing while I said that. The look she had when I said that.. it was priceless.

"You know what I'm talking about! Don't play dumb with me Okazaki!"  
If it was possible for Kyou to turn any more red, she did just then.  
She broke eye contact momentarily and started rubbing her shoulder like she had a bruise there.

"Is it that funny to you.. the idea of sharing the same bed as me..?"

"No—uh, well, it's not that I would mind sharing one not that I want to though! Wait..! Not like that! I don't mean that you aren't good enough to sleep with Wait! That doesn't sound right either! I don't mean it that way!"  
My entire face was burning and I could feel the sweat trickle down the side of my head. This truly was the most awkward situation I have been in aside from that day where we found out Nagisa was pregnant and she announced our.. relationship.. to her parents.  
Wasn't Kyou taking this just a little too seriously..?

"So you don't think I'm good enough to sleep with you?"

"No! It's not like that! Wait! How did we even get to this subject!"

"So I'm really not good enough for you! Is it my hair or maybe my eyes?" She started fiddling with her hair while she was talking, trying to discern the inherent 'problem'. "Maybe my chest isn't big enough for you..?"

_What the f—k! ? ! Why is this happening to me! ?_

"Nothing is wrong with you! Your hair is fine and your… that isn't the point! !"  
I was the one who was flustered at this point. Kyou turned the tides of war and began to win this battle.

.

_Suddenly, I felt Kyou's lips pressed against mine. _

I didn't realize just how close she had gotten the entire time. I was having trouble processing all of it…

"Kyou.."  
I pulled away from her as gently as I could.

.

"Thank you, Tomoya."

.

.

* * *

_Notes:_

_- Saibashi _are chopsticks used for cooking and serving food.

- A _Futon_ is a "Japanese quilted mattress rolled out on the floor for use as a bed.(_per Google Definitions)_


	5. Chapter 5: This Side of Town

**Chapter 5: This Side of Town**

.

Her lips were only a few inches away from mine. The warmth of her breath danced along my skin as we gazed into each other's eyes. Her golden eyes came closer each passing second. I felt her palm gently usher me backward onto the floor; her body following. The tips of her auburn hair touched my face, connecting us as she brought her lips closer to mine. My arms found their way around her back embracing her. She caressed one side of my face with her delicate hand while she kissed the opposite. I gently placed a hand on her cheek with her ear between my fingers, bringing her face closer to mine.

.

"Tomoya, I can't… _I'm not Nagisa_."

She pushed off of me with the same hand on my chest. I realized that moment it wasn't Nagisa I was holding in my arms but Kyou.

"I can't do this to her. It's only been a year…  
Why did you let me..?"  
Kyou's violet eyes stared at me, pleading for an answer. A tear ran down her crimsoned cheeks as she sat there ashamed of what just happened between us.  
"Please Tomoya… don't let me do that to her."

"I.. I don't know…"  
I knew she wasn't Nagisa. Deep down I knew she was Kyou and I let it happen. And I didn't just let it happen... I wanted it to happen. Why was I trying so hard to fool myself into thinking she was Nagisa?  
"I'm sorry Kyou… I didn't mean to.."

"Even when she's gone I still can't have you, can I..?"  
Kyou hung her head defeated by her own words. Despite hiding her face, I could see the tears stain her pants as they fell and hear the muffled sounds of her crying.  
"Don't answer that, please… I already know. I don't even know why I bothered trying... Heh I'm an idiot, aren't I? A year later you show up out of nowhere and here I am thinking that I finally have a chance. I'm a horrible person Tomoya."

She wrapped her arms around her knees and buried her face between them. I sat there useless, watching an old friend hate herself for reasons beyond her control. I never suspected that she felt this way; I can't imagine how long she's been holding onto these feelings. And I can't even think of a way to comfort her without making everything worse.

"Kyou, you said you needed to get groceries right? I can get them for you, just tell me what you need, okay?" Maybe giving her some time alone will be the best thing I can do for her. We both need to figure out how to sort this out without ending on bad terms.

"I'll go with you Tomoya. You aren't familiar with the area anyways. I don't want you to get lost."  
She got up on her feet and wiped her tears with a sleeve. She always was a strong person; that little bit never changed about her.  
"Give me a little bit to get ready?"

I nodded at her and went to the door to give her some privacy. Both of our shoes were side by side at the door. I couldn't help but be reminded of that short time Nagisa and I lived together.

_What am I trying to accomplish with this?_

"I'm ready to go! Eh you don't even have your shoes on yet?"  
Kyou was practically a different person. There were no traces in her attitude or appearance of what just happened minutes ago. She definitely is something else.  
"Tomoya don't just stare at me like that. You're being creepy!"

"Ah, yeah. Sorry about that, I was sort of daydreaming."  
As I slipped on my shoes and tied the laces, Kyou crammed something on top of my head.

"You're going to need a helmet. If it doesn't fit: too bad. Ryou uses that one whenever she visits."

"Ahk! Could you be gentler with that! ?"  
She started shifting the helmet around on my head, ignoring the fact that it was a human head she was adjusting the helmet for.

"Sorry Tomoya, I assumed your hard-headedness would protect you from all the pain. It's not my fault your head is too big for this helmet."

"Anyways, why do I have to wear one? It's not like the grocery store is so far away we can't walk."

"Umm, I don't want you to have to carry the groceries that far, that's all!"  
I seriously don't get her.

We stepped out of her apartment and made our way down to where she parked her motor bike. I recognized the area immediately. Yoshino and I did a lot of work here immediately after construction of most of the buildings. This is one of the new neighborhoods that was created when Hikarizaka was expanding. That new hospital should be nearby here if I remember correctly. We approached a white scooter that I was very, very familiar with. So familiar with it that it's a sick joke.

"Remember those times when I hit you on my way to school?"  
Kyou was grinning while she put on her trademark red helmet.

"Nope, I forgot all about the bruises and broken bones already."  
We both broke out into laughter as we recalled the memories of Kyou's bike victimizing me.

She sat down on the bike first and beckoned for me to sit behind her. It had just occurred to me exactly why she wanted to take her motor bike earlier. I reluctantly sat behind her trying to give as much space between us. This is definitely an awkward moment.

"Tomoya, you're going to fall off like that."  
She reached back for my arms and pulled them towards her, crossing my arms around her body so that I was embracing her. I felt my cheeks burning as she did all of this.

"Are you sure you don't want to walk? You know, I'm really in the mood for wa"  
_VROOOM! ! !_  
Kyou took off so fast that I held on as tight as I could to her so I wouldn't fall off.  
"Holy s—t Kyou! I could have fell off and died!"

"I honestly doubt that… you're holding on pretty well."  
I could see Kyou's cheeks were turning red but it took me a moment to realize exactly why. After my state of shock passed, I quickly noticed something:  
_My arms were wrapped around her chest._  
Seriously, if the day was able to get any more awkward it did just right there.  
"I didn't mean to do that!"

"You don't have to make any excuses Tomoya. I always knew you were perverted."  
I retracted both of my arms instantly, nearly falling off the bike. For that brief moment, reason left me and I had thought it was possible to stay on a moving vehicle despite not holding on to anything. All the while Kyou was enjoying my misfortune immensely.

We pulled into the parking lot of a grocery store that looked like it had been built within the last few years. Plastered on the windows were deals and specials the store was offering that day. Along the walls, stands of fruits and other various produce were available for public selection. Kyou casually walked into the store with a hand basket she retrieved from a stand in front of the doorway. I followed in behind her trying to look like I knew what I was doing. Even the little children inside could see through my façade.

I wondered if this is what it would have been like if Nagisa were still around. Ushio would be running around trying to entertain herself while I tried to keep her from destroying the store. Nagisa would try to get all the groceries we needed as I bargained with Ushio to get her to behave. We would know the owners of the store we frequented and they would greet us as friends each time we visited. After we got everything and said our good byes I would fulfill my promise to Ushio by buying her ice cream or a toy before we went home. We would sit at the bus stop enjoying the time we spent together in something as simple as grocery shopping. "What a wonderful life it would have been, huh?"

"Tomoya?"  
I woke up from my day dream with Kyou looking at me like I was having a psychotic episode.  
"Are you okay Tomoya? You started talking to yourself."

"Yeah, I guess so. Just started thinking about stuff, that's all. Didn't mean to worry you."  
I smiled to reassure her that I was okay. She sighed at me with a concerned look and continued to select a bundle of green onion that was capable of passing her inspection.

"So Tomoya, are you okay with staying over for dinner? I can make something nice for us. Don't feel pressured though! I was just wondering... you really don't have to! Never mind! Forget I ever asked about it!"

"Okay then, I'll see you around one day!"

"You're supposed to say 'Yes Kyou, I'd love to have dinner with you.'! What kind of lame response is that!"  
Kyou was glaring at me like I was the sole reason why some of the best TV shows end on a cliff-hanger and never get a second season.

"Fine, fine. 'Yes Kyou, I'd love to have dinner with you.' Did that work for you, your highness?"  
I added a bow to finish off my excellent acting abilities. That was my second job, you know, being Japan's second-best male actor; only to be beaten by Sunohara's comedy routine '_The Art of__ Attract__ing__ W__omen_.'

"Yes it did. Thank you."  
Kyou smiled at me, obviously content with the outcome of our conversation.  
"How does curry sound to you?"

"That sounds like a great idea."

"Then it's settled, we'll have curry for dinner."  
She added another smile to compliment her decision. Kyou and I finished gathering what remained of her shopping list along with the extras for tonight's dinner. We made our way to the counter to pay for everything.

"Ooh Kyou, where did you find this one?"  
The cashier was a middle-aged woman with a kind smile. She was looking directly at me while I placed the groceries on the counter.

"What do you mean Makoto-san..?"

"Your boyfriend, of course."

"We're not together like that! !"  
We both exclaimed at her in unison. I could feel my cheeks heating up again and saw out of the corner of my eye that Kyou was flushed red too.

"Okay Kyou and Not-Kyou's-Boyfriend, whatever you say."  
The lady was extremely satisfied with herself while she scanned and weighed our groceries. Kyou and I continued to not make any eye contact with each other in fear of one of us spontaneously combusting.  
"Your total is ¥2,800. Kyou's boyfriend, will you be paying?"

"Yes ma'am wait! I'm not her boyfriend! !"  
I reached into my pocket to pull out the money as fast as I could.

"Sure, sure. Thank you! Have a great day you two lovebirds!"  
She waved us off with a huge grin.  
"I'll see you next time Kyou! He's cute but don't get too hasty!"

Kyou froze in place for a second and looked away from me trying to hide her embarrassment. I couldn't help but laugh at her despite it all.

"That Makoto-san.. she's so bold!"  
Kyou continued to be flustered over the situation as we walked back towards the bike.

"I have to admit Kyou, it was pretty funny. Embarrassing, but definitely entertaining. I don't remember having that much fun in a while."

"Well, as long as you enjoyed yourself I guess it's okay…"

"So where do you want to get lunch?"

"Oh, it's about that time now isn't it? How about we pick something up and go to the park?"

"That sounds nice, let's do that."

I placed the groceries in the basket while Kyou adjusted her red helmet. I put mine on and took my seat behind Kyou being careful where I placed my arms this time. I braced myself for Kyou's violent take off but this time she sped up gradually as we made our way out of the parking lot.

.

.


	6. Chapter 6: Bridges

**Chapter 6: Bridges**

.

I laid back into the soft grass under the cover of a gold and red canopy of leaves. I felt the warm rays of sunlight that passed through the openings that autumn had created as winter began to approach. The cool feeling of the shade slowly left my body as the sun's warmth danced along my body. It was an auspicious start for a day that had yet to even begin. It was hard to believe that it was only last week I spent my first day with Kyou in this very same spot. She had shown up at a time where I was completely down on my luck and lost. I can't change a lot of things that happened but at least now I have someone there to support me through all of this. Is this what I was longing for that night when I was searching for answers?

I pushed myself up into a sitting position while I reflected on all of this. Through the panels between the trees, I watched a young father teach his son how to ride a bike. His voice was carried to me by the wind that traveled in my direction, allowing me to hear the enthusiasm and support in his words as he and his son bonded together. I felt a light laugh escape through a breath as I realized how pathetic of a father I was. I added that to my ever-growing list of failures as a husband and father. A few more painful laughs followed the first while my heart broke a little bit more each one. That empty feeling came back to me as that father and child rode off into the distance, out of sight from the panels of my wooden jail cell. It became uneasy to breathe and my heartbeat became a dull, inescapable pain. The panels that were formed by the surrounding grove began to feel like a cage closing in on me. I started to feel claustrophobic and alone as my heart pounded harder against my chest.

Suddenly the world went dark around me. A familiar voice whispered into my ear, her words tingling as they passed through.  
"Guess who it is?"

"I'll have to think about this one. Is it Ryou?"

"Eh, the other one, but close enough; here is your consolation prize. _Ta-dah_!"  
Kyou removed her hands from my eyes and placed a _bento_ on my lap.  
"Be excited Tomoya, I worked hard on this one."

I feigned celebration of my 'close-enough victory' while Kyou laughed at my childishness. She handed me a pair of black lacquer chopsticks that I became accustomed to over the past week. We ended up spending almost every night together since by the time I finished at the office Kyou would already have been home from school and prepared dinner. We would end up just making conversation while she worked on homework or we watched television; usually ending with me falling asleep.

"So, how does it taste? Be honest, Tomoya, I know you lie."  
As usual, Kyou demanded to know my opinion of her cooking. Instead of answering her directly I started to turn it into a game of answering her in the most roundabout way possible.

"It definitely has a unique taste. The rice is like normal rice, but it isn't. It's this flavor that can't be put into words that the human mind can understand or even begin to comprehend. It's like trying to describe the color purple. Well, more like trying to describe the meaning to life. Yes, the meaning to life is hidden within each grain of your rice. If only we had analyzed your rice earlier, mankind would have found the blueprints to a utopia. It is obvious that you are a messenger sent by God to free us from–"

"Tomoya, you're an idiot."  
Kyou smiled at me in a way that made my heart skip a beat. I haven't felt that way for some time. For a brief moment I saw Nagisa in her and the heaviness in my chest was relieved. I couldn't help but smile back and laugh with her.

"It tastes great, just like every other time."

Kyou sat to my right side and retrieved her set of red lacquer chopsticks. We shared the bento while we quietly watched the world through the open panels of the trees that surrounded us. I felt Kyou's shoulder lean against mine for support while we watched time unfold beyond the trees. Just sitting together like this was enough for me.

"Tomoya, are you okay with this? That is, with us being together so much recently?"

"Yeah, of course. It's been relieving to me, if anything."

"Do you really mean it? I don't want you to be doing this just for me. You've been through so much already; I don't want to be another burden to you."

"_Mhm_, I do mean it. And you're not a burden at all. I felt like I was the burden this whole time. You weren't the one who passed out drunk at a random bar."

Kyou softly laughed. "I'm happy that you did, Tomoya. I wouldn't be sitting here with you right now if you didn't do something so stupid. Which reminds me: you still haven't paid me back."

Kyou pushed me over with her shoulder that she was leaning on me with. I overdramatized the force she used and threw myself onto the ground and feigned injury.

"_Ahhhkkk! _My shoulder! I think you dislocated it with that bestial strength of yours!"  
I rolled around on the ground clutching my 'injury'.

"Don't think you can change the subject that easily!"

"_Uurrgh! _I'm in so much pain that I can't possibly focus on anything else!"

"I'll help you focus on something else! You're not getting yourself out of this one again!"

Kyou tried to restrain me from moving around so much. I, of course, resisted by rolling around some more all the while continuing to express my 'pain and discomfort'.

"_Aahhhhgh!_ You're hurting me! My poor shoulder, what did it ever do to deserve this? I thought I was your friend!"

Suddenly I found myself in an awkward position: Kyou was sitting on top of me while pressing my arms down against the ground. Her breathing was heavy from trying to prevent me from moving around so much. She was about to say something, but paused for a moment to catch her breath before continuing.

"Can't we be more than friends?"  
Kyou brought herself closer to me, her face only inches away from mine. She was practically laying on top of me at this point. She wasn't holding my arms any longer but I felt paralyzed; I was incapable of lifting even a finger.

I began to feel disoriented, like my mind was at war with itself. I wanted this to happen, but I couldn't accept those feelings. I felt like I was betraying Nagisa but it hurt too much to be alone. I wasn't prepared at all for her to leave me. She was the only thing right in my broken life and she left me without so much as a warning. The only thing that mattered to me was being with her and now I have nothing left.

"Kyou ––"

"Please don't say it."  
She briefly pressed her lips against mine.  
"I'm fine with just this."

"I don't know what to do right now.. it's just that…"

"It's okay, Tomoya. I'm sorry."

I wasn't entirely sure what I even wanted. Was I trying to replace her with Kyou? Is that all I saw in Kyou, just somebody who could replace the void that was left behind by Nagisa? I couldn't do that to either of them. I'm finally okay now, I don't want to go back to being alone; it hurts too much. I don't know what to do anymore.

"I'm really fine with just this…"  
I felt the sting of a teardrop touch my face as she placed a lonely kiss on my cheek. The impression of her lips singed my skin like an ember struggling to stay aflame. I felt Kyou's embrace around my body and her head rest against my chest. She placed a hand above my heart and drew with her index finger.  
"Is it okay if I hold you?"

"Yeah."

I stared out into the sky hoping to find an answer in that ocean of blue emptiness but not so much as a clue appeared. Kyou continued to draw within an imaginary square above my heart while we laid there in silence.

For a moment I swore that she wrote _'ki'_. I began to concentrate on what she possibly could be writing. She was writing something else this time; I think _'person'_? No, she drew a line through it; so she wrote _'large'_? The next one is '_woman'_? And then '_child'_? Then _'ki' _again. That doesn't make any sense at all… why would she –– Oh.

'_Daisuki'_.

I placed a hand on top of hers and gently interlocked her fingers with mine. I kissed the top of her head as she tried her best to not cry. I tried to embrace her with my right arm, gently massaging her between the neck and shoulder. I don't know why but I felt the need to comfort her. Maybe it was because this whole time she had been supporting me and I never had the chance to support her.

"Hey Kyou, we didn't finish our lunch, huh?"

"No.. not yet."  
She was trying her best to not show me that she was crying. Even when she's the one who needs comfort she still tries to look out for me. This woman is definitely something else. I placed a hand on her cheek and wiped away a tear. I could feel her sniffling and the heat of her face being cooled by her tears.

"Want a tissue for that?"

"You're a jerk Tomoya."  
Kyou softly laughed as she gently squeezed my hand resting on her cheek.  
"Thank you."

"Don't worry about it. I owe you at least that much."

I sat up, continuing to let Kyou rest her head on me. She picked up the black chopsticks and ate another piece from the bento. I reached for the set of red ones she normally used but was stopped midway by a gentle tap on my hand. She took another piece and brought it nearby my face, gesturing for me to take it. Kyou and I continued our meal like this while we watched the world through the panels of the surrounding trees again.

"I like this, you holding me that is."  
She took another piece for me to eat. She looked directly at me and smiled before continuing.  
"Plus, this is sort of like kissing indirectly."

I was chewing the food while she said that and momentarily paused to think about it. I swallowed and lightly laughed at her.

"What do you want to do now that we've finished eating?"

"Let's go for a walk together!"  
Kyou's face lit up as she spoke. Her eyes brightened and she had a radiant smile.

We packed up the containers of our lunch together before we set off for that path we had been watching the entire time. Kyou seemed so overjoyed about us walking together that it was as if she never cried in the first place. It was sort of relieving. This walk probably would help me sort out everything on my mind.

We walked down the small path that led from the grove to the main trail. The path was narrow and lined with shrubbery and foliage so Kyou walked in front of me as we passed through. We reached the main pathway leading to a foot bridge not too far ahead of us and continued walking forward.

"Where do you see yourself 4 to 5 years from now Tomoya?"  
Kyou was walking side by side with me as we made our way towards the bridge.

"I'm not entirely sure, really. I always thought life would continue the way it was for me. What about you though? I'm sure you have elaborate plans in store."

"Well, I'm still working on getting my degree to teach kindergarten. I know what I'll be doing up until then, but not after. I guess that's why I'm asking."

"You'll probably end up becoming a teacher then, right?"

"I hope so. I just feel like everyone else has so plans way more extravagant than mine. I mean, Ryou is becoming a nurse. Whenever she visits I feel so inferior just becoming a kindergarten teacher. I know it's not a bad job, but I can't help it, you know?"

"You're not the only one. I lost a big job opportunity about a year ago for reasons outside of my control. Just talking to old friends I feel that way. You're the first person I've felt this comfortable with in a while but I still feel like what I do is a joke compared to you."

"Don't say that Tomoya, what you do is important. Not enough people get jobs that benefit others like yours does. You just don't get thanked for it. You're the person who makes sure we always have power in our homes and lights for us to feel safe at night."

"I guess if you put it that way it makes me feel better. Same goes for you, too. Being a kindergarten teacher is like the first stepping stone for kids to become proper citizens. Or else they end up like me."

We both laughed together about my delinquencies of the past as we walked along the foot bridge that passed over the water.

"You're right, if I ever get your daughter in my class I'll make sure she doesn't become a delinquent like you."  
Kyou stopped walking for a second. Kyou bowed deeply before she continued to speak.  
"I didn't mean it… to bring up Ushio like that. I'm sorry!"

Hah. Of all places to bring up Ushio, on a bridge that is suspended above a body of salt water. How ironic. But I wasn't angry at Kyou at all. In a way, I was angry with myself that I was adding another thing to my list of failures as a father. By leaving Ushio what was I doing to her? I was just like my dad and I hated him for it. Hopefully she does find a great teacher like Kyou so she doesn't end up anything like her shitty father.

"I hope you do become her teacher. She shouldn't be anything like me; that way she can become something that matters."

"Tomoya, don't say that!"  
I felt Kyou's embrace around me.  
"You're not as bad as you always think you are! It's not your fault Nagisa died and left you with Ushio! You weren't ready for something like that! No one can blame you for it!"

That was the first time I heard those words: 'Nagisa died.' I broke. I felt my knees give in and Kyou try to sit me down gently. I couldn't help but keep crying. She was dead. It felt like torture trying to accept those words. My heart ached as if it was being torn in half. I felt like I was choking from the rush of all the emotions. I wasn't sure if I was still even breathing in air. I could hear Kyou's voice but none of it processed in my head properly.

I was taken back to that winter last year. I had Ushio in my hands while Nagisa slipped away. My vision was cloudy with tears and I kept yelling for her to not die but nothing came out of my mouth. I screamed at the top of my lungs for her not to leave me again. Her last words were inaudible as she continued to slip away. Her hand became cold and she was gone again. She was dead.

"Tomoya! It's okay Tomoya! I'm not going to leave you, don't worry! It's okay, I'm still here!"  
Kyou was cradling me in her arms ignoring the rest of the world and their stares.  
"_Shhhhh,_ it's okay. You don't have to keep crying anymore."

"She's dead Kyou… she's dead."

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes__:_

_'ki' – I am referring to kana when she writes this, particularly hiragana._

'_person' – In this case I am referring to the kanji for 'person'. If you want to know what the kanji looks like to better understand the scene, google search: 'kanji for hito'._

'_large' –Kanji reference; Search for 'ookii'._

'_woman' – Kanji reference; search for 'onna'._

'_child' – Kanji reference; search for 'kanji for ko, shi'_

'_daisuki' – Probably one of the most well-known phrases to anime fans; 'I love you' or 'I like you a lot'; other variations are included for the most part. I will try to explain how the phrase is written for those not familiar with kanji or the Japanese language.  
In this case, Kyou writes it with kanji to mask the simplicity of its hiragana form in attempts to hide what she's writing from Tomoya. Tomoya started out with 'ki' since it is easily recognizable, which comes at the end of the phrase. 'Dai' is another pronunciation of the kanji for large. That was the beginning of the phrase as you can see. She then writes woman and then child. Tomoya's confusion stemmed from not realizing at first that she was writing the kanji for 'fondness' which is practically 'woman' and 'child' put together as one kanji. Google 'kanji for suki' for a better idea. Remember that he was only feeling the stroke order, not actually visualizing it. Then she ended with writing 'ki' to complete the phrase 'daisuki'. (If you looked at the google search you will see both the kanji for 'suki' and 'ki' put together for you; just imagine now that the kanji for 'large' was in front of it.) I hope that was understandable!_

_Both the name 'Ushio' and 'Nagisa' relate to water which is why Tomoya found that ironic. Bridges are also well known in literature as a metaphor for bringing two people together, but in this case that bridge was 'burned' because Tomoya's inherent 'failure' as a father._


	7. Chapter 7: Sunset

_Arc Two__: How He Fell in Love for the Second Time_

**Chapter 7: Sunset**

.

The humming and vibrations of the train as it made its way over the boards of track resonated through the windows by our seats, producing an ambience similar to that of sitting on the dock of a pier listening to the earth, ocean, and sky embrace. From my seat I could see the bridge from earlier this afternoon as the sun set above it; the rays were gleaming across the water as the sun prepared to gracefully submerge into the horizon. We soon passed the grove where we spent our morning together eating and laying in the grass. The train conductor announced the next stops and their estimated time until arrival on the overhead system. Kyou was sound asleep next to me with her head resting on my shoulder; she was embracing my left arm and unconsciously pulling on it.

I watched the buildings and trees pass by as the sun continued to set. I began to wonder why I disliked this city so much. In high school it was all so easy; just wake up, late in my case, and go to school. Sports, clubs, homework, and tests; in hindsight it was all so simple and comfortable. In those days there were fewer things to worry about in comparison to an adult. I guess it was easier for me to just hate everything when all that comfort finally disappeared. Facing reality was just too painful, especially alone. When she was still alive working so hard every day felt worthwhile. Sure it was still painful, but it wasn't so bad knowing that every night I'd see her face. When she died shouldering all the burdens alone left me bitter and hateful.

"_Mm,_ sorry, I didn't realize I fell asleep. Did we miss our stop?"  
Kyou stretched out her legs as she continued to hold onto me. She rested her head back on my shoulder as she settled into a comfortable position again. She gently poked at my shoulder to ensure that I was awake as well. I looked at her to acknowledge her request, but to my surprise I was met with a radiant smile.

What happened on that bridge put both of us into uncomfortable positions. The whole experience left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I came to terms quicker than I expected. I suppose I could attribute it to the fact that I always knew she was gone. Despite that, the entire thing took me by surprise. Anyways, I half expected her to immediately apologize the moment she woke up as a reflex of some sort.

"No, we're almost at your stop though. I think in another minute or two at least."

"Hey Tomoya, do you have any plans for tonight?"

"Didn't really have any; is there something you'd like to do?"

"_Mhm_, I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with me."

"Sure."

I looked over my shoulder to see Kyou beaming at me with a smile as she squeezed my arm tightly. I felt slightly relieved that she appeared to not be affected by what happened earlier. I chuckled at the thought of her acting like a child who was promised an ice cream cone.

On the overhead system the conductor announced that we were approaching the next stop. With my free hand I picked up the empty bento and made my way towards the sliding doors with Kyou continuing to hold onto me. If people didn't know any better they would have thought we were dating. I wasn't oblivious to the fact we appeared that way every time we were together either. I guess it was just easier to go along with it; Kyou seemed to enjoy it at least.

We made our way through the crowd piled up in anticipation to board the train. I held on a bit tighter to Kyou to ensure that we didn't get separated. I didn't realize how busy this city had become recently. I've been getting the feeling that this wasn't a small suburban town anymore. We made our way outside to where Kyou had parked her scooter this morning.

"What would you like for dinner Tomoya?"  
Kyou quickly walked ahead of me and twirled around to face me. She seemed to be ecstatic about spending the rest of the day together. I didn't realize that the time we spent together was that important to her.

"Nothing in particular comes to mind. Is there anything you'd like?"

"_Mm_, how does curry sound? We're getting home late anyways so preparing something extravagant might take too long. We'd probably end up being more sleepy than hungry by the time we finished."

"I wouldn't mind that at all. I can stay over longer if our plans go further into the night."

"What are you trying to imply Tomoya?"

A sinister grin found its way into her response; it didn't take long for me to realize why.

"I didn't mean it that way! I meant that it would be rude, you know, to just to eat and leave immediately." I pulled away from Kyou in embarrassment; it seems like we keep running into these awkward moments together.

"You do realize that doesn't sound any better. If you wanted something more than just dinner you should be direct about it."

"I give up; you're impossible Kyou."

I let out an audible sigh signaling my white flag.

Kyou laughed at me as she ran towards her white scooter. After she was a sizable distance away she turned around to say, "You'll never get any if you don't try harder Tomoya!"

"I-I… Huh?"

The incredulousness of what she had said caused me to cease proper function on a neurological level.

Kyou was already sitting on her scooter with her helmet in hand waiting for me to catch up by the time my brain finally flipped the circuit breaker. I walked towards her as she buckled her red helmet, lightly laughing to myself at how ridiculous we can be sometimes. She reached out towards me with a helmet in hand to which I met halfway with my own. As I buckled it on, I realized that she had brought the spare helmet in anticipation that I would agree to have dinner with her.

.

.x.

.

Kyou pulled into the parking lot of the grocery store that we had visited the last time; from what I can tell, she had designated herself an unofficial Kyou's-parking-only-spot. There were plenty of other more convenient areas to park in but this one seemed particular to her. The sun's presence in the sky had begun to dissipate, leaving the world painted in an array of orange and blue with tinges of violet.

An acquaintance of Kyou's waved at us as we were walking towards the entrance. Kyou naturally smiled and waved back; in a certain light she looked – perfect. It seemed to me that the colors in the sky weren't a result of the sun but a reflection of her eyes alone. When she turned to me and our gazes met, I felt an intense amount of warmth gather around my face; I looked away as fast as humanly possible and increased the length of my stride. I came to the conclusion that there was something in the air or I was hungry.

Yeah, that had to be it; there wasn't a better explanation.

I felt a sudden jolt of movement brush the side of my body; startled, I tried to jump to the side but felt myself anchored. As I looked over my shoulder I realized that the anchor was Kyou; she had interlocked her arm around mine. An unfamiliar feeling of discomfort started to arise with her being so close.

"Tomoya, I can't help but get this feeling that something happened back there between you and me."  
Kyou was tugging on my arm, intentionally toying with me as she grabbed a basket from the door entrance; she clearly was aware of what just took place.

"What do you mean?"

I tried to dissuade her from progressing any further into the matter.

"It's just sort of embarrassing to walk next to you this close in public."

She laughed and blatantly ignored my concerns for public impressions. I tried pulling away from Kyou, but she defiantly held on tighter. That warm feeling had evolved into an intense burning sensation at this point. But, knowing Kyou, I already lost this battle so in capitulation I let her do whatever she desired.

We waltzed around the store at Kyou's bidding going from shelf to shelf in conquest of ingredients. At some point I stopped paying attention to where we were going or what we were grabbing; my focus began to shift onto her. These feelings of discomfort and embarrassment were never prevalent before. Sure there were those awkward situations that we found ourselves in but aside from that we were just _friends_. I'm sure those awkward things happen between any guy and girl in a friendly relationship. Did something change without my realization?

"_Mm, _Tomoya, is this too much, you think?"

Kyou had tugged on my arm again and was looking at me as she waited for a response. I wasn't sure how to respond; her question was too direct for me to answer comfortably. It's not like we were doing anything wrong to begin with. Don't good friends do stuff like this? I'm not one to talk, but I'm sure I've seen this happen in a drama or an anime.

"Honestly, I don't really know; it doesn't feel like too much at least. What about you?"

"Well, I'm personally not too hungry I guess. I'm not sure what I'd do with the rest of it. Maybe if we have left over rice I can make fried rice with the carrots we don't use? But that means we have to get a little bit extra of the other ingredients. That's fine, right?"

"Huh? Carrots? Wha– That's fine!"

Kyou stared at me with a blank look in her face as she deciphered my confusion. Much too my dismay, her face lit up and she started laughing.

"I didn't realize you liked '_carrots'_ so much, Tomoya."

Kyou's face was brimming with a huge grin; she moved uncomfortably closer towards me as well.

"Th-that was a misunderstanding!"  
I tried to move away but she had slyly cornered me. I placed my hands up in front of me in defense.

"_Mhm_, I believe you."

She placed the carrots in the basket and walked away laughing. Kyou was obviously winning this game. Not that I ever had any chance of winning to begin with; nor did I have any intentions to against an opponent like her.

I eventually caught up to her as she finished paying at the cash register. The same lady from last time was there waving to me as Kyou was collecting her bags. I smiled back as best as I could and waved as I made my way towards Kyou to help her with the groceries. We were silent as we made our way back to the bike but Kyou seemed to be enjoying everything nonetheless. Times like this made me wonder how we managed to be good friends when we rarely spoke to each other. Most of the times we spent together were spent in silence. The feeling that Kyou wants more than just this never escapes me.

She was looking up at the sky as we were walking. The sun had already set leaving the world saturated with a spectrum of darkness. Despite that, there was a sort of beauty radiating from that look of hers. Maybe it wasn't the sun that was playing tricks on my eyes after all.

.

.x.

.

Kyou and I were cooking dinner together for the first time. I was cutting the vegetables and meat while she handled the rest. There was an air of nostalgia that I couldn't help but feel as we cooked together. It was reminiscent of those times I was able to cook with Nagisa. The memories weren't so painful anymore; I suppose I finally had gotten used to them.

"You're not that bad at this stuff Tomoya, I'm surprised."  
Kyou was mixing together the ingredients in the pan with the same pair of _saibashi _she had been using when I was first here. She took some of the ingredients I prepared and added it to the pan.  
"I'll admit I was a bit anxious for this meal when you offered to help."

"I'm offended, Kyou. I used to help out with cooking every time I got a chance."

"Hey, is this okay with you?"  
Kyou stopped what she was doing to look at me.

"Yeah, the color looks good on the meat. Have you tried tasting to see if the spice is good?"

"No, I don't mean the food. I mean this. All of it. What we're doing… what we've been doing for the past week. I know I can be a bit pushy sometimes, but I'm just scared if I'm not you'll –– "

"It's fine Kyou. Really, it is. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have come here in the first place. It was a bit rough when we were on that bridge, but other than that I'm fine. If anything I probably needed that."  
I tried to give her reassurance with a quick smile.

"Are you sure you're not just saying that? I feel like I'm replacing her. I still don't know if this is right or wrong to be doing this."

"Why does it feel wrong to you?"  
Truthfully, I was taken back a bit by what she said.

"I always wanted you for myself. But it didn't take long for me to realize you had your eyes on Nagisa. Then years later I find you drunk and passed out in a bar and bring you home with me. I never had any intentions of falling for you again. And it's like a dream now. It's everything I ever wanted but it's only real because she's gone... it hasn't even been a year yet."

I felt incapable of creating a proper response. I tried to find something to change the subject; the hissing off the pan reminded me that the curry was finished cooking.

"Hey, the food looks cooked now. I'll take care of the rest, okay?" I took out a bowl from the cabinet and started to pour the curry into it. As I was placing everything into the sink, I felt Kyou gently wrap her arms around my waist and embrace me from my behind.

"This is okay, right? How close we are now."

She pressed her cheek against my back as I continued to take care of the dishes.

_Ringgg! ! Ringgg! !_

The sound of a phone came echoing from the other room just as I was about to speak. I was thankful for it, really. I wasn't sure how to respond just yet. There were too many mixed feelings that I had yet to sort out.

_Ringgg! ! Ringgg! !_

I felt her pull away from me and heard her footsteps move towards the ringing. Lately I've been getting the feeling that it's okay to just let things flow in whichever direction it takes. The quality of life has certainly improved so far by doing things that way this past week. But I still can't help but get this heavy feeling in my chest.

_Ringgg! ! Ri –_

"Hello? This is Fujibayashi Kyou. Oh Ryou, how've you been?"  
I continued to wash the dishes to prevent myself from eavesdropping too much on their conversation.

"That's great. Do you know what days? _Mm_, I'll see you then. _ Jana_."

I heard the clang from the phone meeting the receiver. From the tone of her voice, Kyou didn't seem too happy about the news.

I started taking out the plates and utensils to set the table. Kyou continued to stand next to the phone blankly staring off into the window. I figured it would be best just to leave her be for a bit and to focus my attention onto setting the rest of the table. In this one week I became so familiar with her kitchen arrangement to the point that I was able to find everything I needed without any trouble.

"Ryou is coming home for the holidays."  
Kyou hadn't shifted from her position the entire time. Despite the news that her twin was coming home, she didn't seem as happy as I thought she would be hearing news like that. In high school they were incredibly close; being in different classes didn't even separate them.

"You don't sound happy about it?"

I wasn't sure whether or not it was appropriate for me to ask that. I had the feeling she wanted me to though.

"I don't mind it really."

Her response had a harsh directness about it.

"Did something happen between you two recently?"

"Sort of, I guess. We're just both older now, that's all."

Kyou walked towards the table side opposite of me and sat down abruptly; there was obviously something bothering her.

"You sure that's the only thing that happened?"

"Ryou got into nursing school this year."

She started to pick at the plain rice on her plate and eat tiny portions of it.

"My parents are incredibly proud of her and can't wait for her to be back."

"What about you? It's not hard to tell something is bothering you."

"She just transferred from a university in Tokyo to an even more prestigious nursing program," Kyou took another bite of rice to mask her feelings, "of course I'm proud of my sister."

"Yeah, I understand that. So what's bothering you? Here –"

I picked up the bowl of curry and began to put some on Kyou's plate; it hurt to watch her just eat plain rice as if that's all she deserved.

"I'm sure it'll taste better with this."

Kyou mouthed the words, "_domo,"_ as she wiped away a tear from her eye. She took a deep breath before she sifted together the curry and rice.

"She's the successful twin and I'm just me. It always has been like that. Even in high school she was always better in academics; I was always the one who barely made it on time to school. The only thing I've ever been better than her at has been cooking and athletics. But that hasn't gotten me anywhere in life." Kyou dropped her chopsticks and buried her face between her knees. "I'm such a failure."

"You're not a failure at all. Just because you chose not to go to a university doesn't make you any less of a person. If it makes you feel any better I enjoy your cooking."

"I didn't go to a university because I was scared that I wouldn't be accepted; everyone knew Ryou was going to get into one. If I was rejected by a university and Ryou got accepted by one ––"  
Kyou paused to take a deep breath; I could hear the struggle in her voice to fight back the tears.

"I would never have been able to live it down."

"Even if you felt that way, none of us would have thought of you like that. I wouldn't have at least. You put too much stress on yourself to live up to unrealistic expectations. Most of them are your own expectations honestly."  
For some reason I was angry with her. Not with her specifically, but with how she keeps putting herself down.  
"You're an amazing person Kyou. If it wasn't for a friend like you in high school I wouldn't have even made it that far. You don't deserve to feel that way."

Honestly though, what gives me the right to tell her that. I'm the one who has been drinking and smoking himself into an early grave. I've loathed myself for nearly the past year and here I am giving advice. But it hurt to see her like that. In this past week Kyou has become someone precious to me.

"Heh, you're too cheesy Tomoya. How can anyone stay depressed with you saying embarrassing things like that."  
Kyou was looking up at me with a smile despite the fact she was tearing up.  
"Thank you, really. I think I just needed someone to listen to me pout for a bit. Can I annoy you again in the future with my crying?"

"Yeah, definitely."

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes:_

_Saibashi – A type of cooking utensil similar to chopsticks used in Japanese cooking; it is much longer than its eating utensil counterpart._

_Jana – A phrase commonly used in place of the more formal 'sayonara' when saying good bye to someone in a casual manner._

_Domo – Considered a quick but somewhat polite way of saying thank you; short for 'domo arigatou gozaimasu'.__._


	8. Chapter 8: Winter Excursion

**Chapter 8: Winter Excursion**

.

A few days ago I received a phone call in the early morning from Kyou demanding that we do our holiday gift shopping. I was well aware that the winter holidays were just around the corner but I had no intentions of spending an entire day shopping. I'm sure that the amount of people I would even bother purchasing a gift for could all be counted on one hand. Despite that, I find myself awkwardly standing here in the middle of the mall waiting for Kyou to arrive. I've come to a conclusion though: this woman has me on a really long invisible leash. It's the only logical explanation to why I allow myself to keep doing this stuff.

While looking at the mannequins in a clothing stores window display, I suddenly had this ominous feeling that I was being watched. The hairs on the back of my neck shuddered with an icy feeling that traveled down my back in such a way that made my muscles cringe. I wasn't able to distinguish the culprit in the peripherals of my vision nor could I help but get the feeling that I was being watched from behind. As naturally as I could, I slowly turned my head to check behind me when–

"Boo."

Kyou beamed up at me with her usual radiant smile, obviously content with her sneak attack.

"It took you long enough to realize I was behind you," she poked at my back with her index finger as she lectured my tardiness.

"It's only because you're so short Kyou."

I turned around to place my hand on top of Kyou's head to emphasize our difference of height.

"The distance that your presence has to travel in order to reach someone of my height is ridiculously far."

Kyou responded with a, "Hmph!" and turned around with her arms crossed across her chest. I patted her on the head a few times as I laughed; this was one of the rare few times that I won against Kyou. As I removed my hand from the top of her head I realized that she had styled her hair differently today. Her hair was tied up into a ponytail in the back, leaving her bangs with that signature white ribbon left in their normal fashion.

"You changed your hair today."

I ran a few fingers through her ponytail to tease her.

"It looks nice on you."

She immediately brushed her pony tail away from me with her hand.

"I didn't say you could touch it," Kyou turned her head to the side as she spoke, allowing me to see her cheeks tinged with a rose color; she ran her fingers through her pony tail to brush out my tampering.

"Thank you."

"So where–"

My question was abruptly interrupted and answered with Kyou walking off towards an unnamed destination. As the distance began to increase between us, I took notice that she was wearing an outfit that I was unfamiliar with. Surprising, I know; I now just realized that I've been with Kyou so much lately that I remember what she wears. Anyways, she was wearing a khaki drawstring parka that tapered at the waist over a cream colored one piece dress that stopped at her mid thigh. Honestly, it was criminal to look that good in a dress.

I made my way past the crowds of shoppers that separated Kyou and I. After a bit of effort I finally caught up to Kyou; if I wasn't such an optimisticguy I would have thought Kyou was _intentionally_ trying to make me work harder.

"So where are we going exactly?"

"To pick out a gift for Ryou, of course."

She turned to smile at me as a way of saying that I was to follow along without any choice in the matter; at least that's what I got from it.

"What were you thinking of getting her?"

"I don't know, something nurse-_y_"

I couldn't help but stare at her with a dumbfounded expression. She dragged me all the way out here without any idea of what she should get for a gift. I'm sorry – correction: something "nurse-_y_". Kyou, of course, only giggled at my dismay.

"How about something she can use when she becomes a nurse? Like the thing they use to listen to your heart."

"You mean a stethoscope, Tomoya?"

Kyou looked over at me and sighed as if I was some pathetic human being; that may be the case but I'm not that bad.

"How did you graduate without knowing what it was called?"

"With flying colors."

We both laughed together in remembrance of my high school delinquencies. I'm sure I wouldn't have graduated if it weren't for everyone. Come to think of it, if I wasn't a delinquent I wouldn't have met Nagisa on _that_ _hillside path where the cherry blossoms fall_. It was that day everything began; this long uphill climb.

"So, any ideas where to find one Kyou? I doubt they sell medical supplies in a mall."

"Well, one time I went to get a school uniform repaired at a store here and I saw some nurse uniforms displayed in the windows. It's a start, right?"

"Yeah, it's worth a shot. I won't bother acting like I know where we're going so I'll just follow along."

As we walked through the mall I noticed, again, how much everything has been expanding. Signs were showcased all over directing customers towards the outside of the mall where a second shopping complex had been built. What was even more alarming was just how old we've gotten. We would occasionally pass by students in their winter uniforms sporting their class-color badges. It's been nearly 3 years since I've been in high school. A sort of heaviness developed in my chest.

What was I doing with my life? Climbing utility poles as an electrician? I guess that's reasonable; I never imagined myself to be anything extravagant. I couldn't even picture myself past high school whenever the topic came up. I wasn't much more than a dead-end alcoholic a few weeks ago. I barely fit the criteria of being a decent human being.

"Hey Tomoya, you're spacing out."

I felt a few pin-point pokes into my chest before I realized that Kyou was trying to get my attention. She was standing about a meter in front of me with a concerned look on her face.

"You feel okay? You have this dead look in your eyes. I don't like it."

"_Hm_, yeah I'm o–"

Kyou grabbed me by my arm and pulled me off to the side where we weren't obstructing the flow traffic.

"No, you're not okay. Hey, you know what, be happyyy–"

Kyou's hands, in a blink of an eye, found themselves on my face where she proceeded to squeeze and stretch the living hell out of my cheeks. I would have stopped her if it weren't for how much fun she seemed to be having. I guess even someone like me is allowed to be happy every once in a while.

I placed my hand on Kyou's to allow myself a brief moment to say,

"Thank you."

Kyou retracted her hands immediately, turning her head away from plain view to hide her flushed complexion.

"You're embarrassing," her words were barely audible against the clamor of the mall. "An-anyways, we're here."

We were standing outside of a store whose window display showcased a variety of uniforms on posing mannequins. Above the entrance shined a brightly colored sign that read "Uniforms for Everything". Along the windows were the words, "Uniforms and professional tailoring for every uniform from school to nursing," in a stylized white font. As we walked into the store we were greeted with a forced, "_Irrashaimase._"

At the counter, a woman adorning a ribbon of measuring tape around her neck was engaged in what appeared to be a light novel or manga. Kyou stood in front of her hoping that she would realize that we needed help. It was sort of comical to watch Kyou's patience wear thin as the lady continued to ignore our presence while she flipped through her book. Finally when all hell looked like it was about to let loose –

"Excuse me, do you sell stethoscopes here?"  
Kyou's expression outwardly seemed polite and modest, but on the inside I'm sure demons were raging.

The salesclerk, without any eye contact, apathetically pointed into the vast space of the store expecting us to psychically understand where the stethoscopes were located.

"... Thanks."  
Kyou marched off into the vague direction where the woman had pointed, ensuring that the salesclerk heard each of her footsteps.

"At least we know they're here, right?"

"I'm going to punch the optimism out of you Tomoya."  
Kyou raised her fist to further her threat towards me.

"Be happy –"  
I pinched Kyou's cheek to remind her of the words she had said herself only minutes ago. This, of course, was not very effective at all. I found myself being stared down by Kyou like a prey about to be killed and devoured by its hunter.

After much searching, and by much I really mean effortlessly, we found the store's selection of stethoscopes. Apparently, stethoscopes vary in use and style according to the signs displayed all over the shelf. Personally, they all look the same but I guess you'd notice the difference if you professionally used them. Kyou, however, seemed to be having trouble deciding which one to get for her sister though.

"Hm, maybe we can get one in her favorite color." Kyou was mumbling as she sorted through the various styles.

"This blue one looks nice, I wonder how much it costs -"  
Kyou's eyes grew wide as she stared at the price tag.  
"9... 9,800 yen! ?"

By the looks of it, Kyou probably died a little bit inside as she took out her coin purse to consult her budget. From there she proceeded to pout and groan.

"Kyou, I can pay for half of it if you'd like."

"Would you really?"  
She looked up at me as if I was some sort of miracle manifested into human form.  
"Thank you!"

We made our way to the counter with what Kyou felt was the perfect stethoscope for Ryou. To our surprise, again, not really, the salesclerk actually bothered to make eye contact with us as she processed the transaction. But it also looked as if she just finished her book.

Kyou wordlessly bounded for her next shopping excursion the moment we left the store. I've never really shopped with women aside from Nagisa so I'm not sure if this is how it supposed to work; me mindlessly following that is. All of a sudden, to my horror, Kyou waltzed straight into a store entitled, "Inner Style." The windows were plastered with lingerie ads designed to entice women to enter the store. In between each ad was a mannequin displaying the latest styles in underwear and lingerie because apparently there are fashion trends for this stuff. I, for one, definitely had no intentions of following her into that place.

Actually, this is probably the perfect time to sneak off and buy Kyou's gift. I'm here anyways, might as well. Although, it might have been a good idea to have planned beforehand what I was going to get her since I have no clue what to buy. I could possibly get her something that pertains to her hobbies. Those hobbies being.. cooking?

So, after about twenty minutes of aimlessly walking around I have come to another conclusion today: that I generally have no idea what I'm doing. This woman has made no indication in wanting anything besides my time and company. I wonder if I can put gift wrap and a bow on that because that would make my life a whole lot easier. But until I can figure out how to do that I should probably consider a more tangible gift. I walked past a few more stores trying to decide what an appropriate gift would be for her. Just as I was about to give up, I passed by a jewelry store. I figure it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot.

This weird, indescribable feeling came over me when I entered the store lined with glass cases of expensive accessories and gems. It felt like some of the things in this store were rated at a higher value than I was as a human being – wait, I figured it out: it's the feeling of worthlessness.

As I scanned through each display that feeling intensified; some prices reached into the tens of thousands. In some cases I couldn't even discern the reason for the huge price differences when they all practically looked the same. Something in the corner of my eye caught my attention though as I looked through the various displays. It was a hair clip. I was reminded immediately of the ponytail Kyou wore today and how this would have been a perfect addition. It was a sleek silver design that took its shape after a beautiful red emperor leaf. I glanced over at the price and it was being sold for ¥5,000; it wasn't a bad price considering how costly everything was in this store. At least that's what I told myself as convincingly as possible.

"Excuse me –"  
I tried to get the attention of the store associate who made a distasteful expression when he saw that I wasn't interested in his other products.  
"I'd like to purchase this silver hair clip."

"Would you like to get anything else, _sir_?"  
That last word seemed like it took every ounce of his fake personality to utter; it seems I made a friend in this business already.

"No, just this would be fine. Thank you."

He hesitated before he took the hair clip out of the glass display. I can't imagine how this store got along so well before this man started working here; he's a paragon of salesmen, an absolute must have for any aspiring business. So after much effort on his part, I finally left the store with a suitable gift.

Now, the problem of trying to find Kyou without any indication of where she may be has arisen. The most reasonable place to start looking would be where I last saw her. There is a possibility that she is waiting there for me when she realized that –

_Thwack!_

I felt a sudden sharp jolt of pain go through the side of my left ear causing me to slightly yelp in surprise.

"So, _Okazaki_, where did you sneak off to?"  
Kyou had this dark look on her face like an executor about to bring down the ax on their victim.

This eerie sensation crawled down my spine as I tried to formulate a cover story. The possibility that she could have been following me this entire time just dawned on me.

"Oh – uh, restroom."  
I wanted to slap myself in the face; the new look on Kyou's face probably meant that she did too.

"Right... Anyways, your punishment for ditching me is going on a date with me today."  
Her expression almost instantaneously changed into this self-satisfied look as she proclaimed my 'punishment'.

"Okay, deal."  
This was a much better alternative to her discovering what I really was doing. Anyways, this outing was already a date in everything but name.  
"So, where will we be going for our date?"

"Can we check out the new building that they opened?"  
Kyou gestured at one of the signs referring to the additional shops added in the second complex.

"Sure, sounds like fun."

.  
.x.  
.

Kyou and I walked side by side as we explored the new building and the stores it had to offer. It was nearly the same thing as the other complex – clothes, electronics, and so forth – just that the stores had different names. I suppose people are particular about which brand they buy their stuff from because it didn't appear that anyone else shared my opinion based on how excited they looked. However, in the distance a brightly lit neon sign was shining above a store entrance in English that said, "Arcade." I looked over at Kyou to see if the store had garnered any interest from her but she seemed oblivious to its existence. A powerful adolescent feeling took over me. I grabbed Kyou by the hand and started pulling her towards the arcade despite her constant refusals.

The arcade was filled with all kinds of video games and booths. Sounds of laughter, talking, and music all blended together with the noises from the machines and games. The entire back wall was filled with the different prizes you could win by redeeming tickets earned from playing various games. One corner was even home to multiple types of photo booths and _purikura_.

With Kyou's hand still in mine, I pulled her towards a game that we could enjoy together. It was one of those timed hammer games where you hit the little puppets that pop up for points; the theme for this game happened to be Pokémon. I looked for the little coin slot to start the game while Kyou bashfully held her hammer behind her back trying to make up excuses for why we should go somewhere else; I, of course, completely ignored her pleas. As I placed a coin into the slot the machine lit up and began to flash, playing the classic theme song with Ash yelling, "_POKEMON GE__TTO DA ZE!_"

Almost immediately little Pokémon puppets started popping up from their respective holes. With an aggressive disposition I began to smash the heads of those little bastards in. The only thing on my mind was to destroy as many of them as I could before _Matsumoto_ finished singing. I fervently drew back my hammer to smash that innocent looking _Togepi's_ face in, but the opportunity was stolen from me by Kyou who seemed to have been enjoying herself as much as I was. For the rest of that minute and a half song we obliterated the hopes and dreams of aspiring Pokémon with our toy hammers, yielding a total of 129 hits at the end. With our breathing heavy and hammers ready – just in case one of them made an attempt to sneak up on us – we looked over at each other and burst out laughing at the sight of each other acting so serious.

"Okay Tomoya, maybe this wasn't a bad idea after all."  
I couldn't help but smile at her as she put back her hammer in its designated holder because today I witnessed a whole new side of Kyou.

"Let's try one of the crane games over there next."

I grabbed her hand again and led her past the groups of children running around with their tickets flailing behind them. The themes for each machine varied with the prizes relating to the anime or video game that was displayed. Kyou's eyes widened as she decided which one she was going to test her luck against. Without any warning, she started to run off towards one filled with plushies of Studio Ghibli's movies.

"Which one would you like?"

"The gray one."  
Kyou gently pointed at the gray _Totoro_ staring at her through the glass window.

"Sure, I'll try my best."  
I gave her a reassuring smile as I put in the coins to start the game.

This particular crane was much larger than its counterparts in the arcade since the rewards were rather big in stature. Obtaining that egg shaped cat-thing was going to be a challenge. My first attempt failed miserably; the crane had rubbed off the fat waist of Totoro and made a pathetic swipe at a _susuwata__ri_. Ignoring that loss, I moved forward into the second round. This time I managed to grab him by his head and knock him over; naturally, I accepted that as a form of victory. The third attempt was one of those teases where you have the claw perfectly around your target but it slips out of your grasp. I started to question the legitimacy of this claw after the fourth and fifth rounds ended in failure, but I didn't want to disappoint Kyou by giving up now. That's right, I'm not that kind of man anymore who gives up that easily – in a claw game, at least.

My sixth attempt was set up perfectly; I knew for sure that I was directly over Totoro's center of gravity. I hit the 'drop' button on the machine and watched my fate unfold. The claw lowered itself right over where I had planned for it to be, perfectly grasping onto Totoro's waistline. Slowly but surely, that smiling egg-shaped creature started to rise in the air as the claw retracted to return to its starting position over the drop point. I felt Kyou grip onto my arm as the intensity of this children's game began to magnify. We watched with eager eyes as Totoro flew way above his friends from below like a really bad children's show on a Sunday morning. All of a sudden Totoro dropped, entering the chute that led to the collection bin. Kyou reached into the compartment and pulled out her new stuffed friend in excitement, embracing the little chubby thing as soon as she had him in her hands.

"Thank you!"  
Kyou was beaming from ear to ear as she continued to hold onto Totoro, doing a weird little dance in place as she moved her hips and torso happily.

"Is there anything else you'd like to do?"

"I want to play a game against you."  
Kyou had a devious grin as she plotted her schemes with Totoro.  
"Let's play a fighting game!"

Kyou started wandering off towards the arcade games with Totoro in her arms like Togepi and _Misty_. She stopped in front of one of the more extravagant looking games emblazoned with an orange and gold "Super Street Fighter IV". The first thought that came to mind was that I had no idea they already made a fourth one. The last one I played was probably Super Street Fighter II, but that was so many years ago. Fighting games can't have changed that much since then; the controls don't look much different at least.

"Hey Kyou, you play these games?"  
I entered in the coins for both of us to play; Kyou was on first-player, I was second.

"Nope, not really."

Kyou was staring down at the joystick and buttons as if she had never seen the arrangement. The character selection screen popped up after we selected 'versus mode'. I cycled through the characters and found an old favorite, _Fei Long._ At least I had an idea of what I was doing; my goal was to not get beaten by a complete amateur. Kyou looked seriously lost as she hovered over each portrait, but in the end she selected _Makoto_.

The first round was, well, really easy; Kyou spent most of the fight trying to run away. I think I might have played a little bit too seriously, so I figured I'd go easy the next round. It wouldn't hurt to let her win one. Actually, it might hurt if I don't let her win one; physically that is. So at the announcer's cue, I pretended to put up a fight but to my surprise I was actually having trouble landing a hit. As I watched _Fei Long _get pummeled to death, I couldn't help but look over at Kyou to see her grinning. I wanted to smack myself in the face for not realizing that this would happen. The announcer's 'final round' sounded more like a death omen than anything else. My character was executed in a most prestigious fashion with _Makoto_ using an elaborate combo of kicks and jabs, ending with a thundering 'K.O.'. Kyou jumped up and celebrated her victory by punching me in the shoulder as she laughed at my dismay.

"That was fun, wasn't it Tomoya?"  
Kyou continued to grin at me as if she was the most innocent thing in the world.  
"We should play again."

"I'll pass."  
I rubbed my shoulder as if it were sore.  
"I think I'll save what little pride I have left."

"You're right Tomoya," Kyou placed her closed fist on top of an open palm as if a gateway of understanding had been opened, "you didn't have too much to begin with. You've probably reached a dangerously low level of pride and self-worth. If we're not careful, suicidal thoughts may start to appear."

"Exactly, I can already feel my suicidal tendencies kick in. I think I might go and pass out in a bar or something and wait for someone else to bring me home."

Kyou stared me down as if I had offended her.

"I was kidding, Kyou."  
I put my hands up in front of me to show her that I meant no harm. Despite my white flag, a gray furry mass was flung at my face with the rage of a thousand dictionaries. I'm sure if Totoro didn't make contact with my face he would have reached _mach 5_.

"Jerk," Kyou turned the tables of our conversation and began to pout, "that kind of joke isn't funny at all."

I scratched my head at how this woman was able to manipulate our conversation to her advantage. I handed her back Totoro and patted her on the head as an apology.

"Okay, okay, I apologize. I shouldn't have made a joke like that."  
Kyou didn't let up in the slightest bit.  
"What do I have to do for you to forgive me?"

"Your punishment for being a jerk is to take pictures with me."  
Kyou pointed towards the direction of the photo booths being surrounded predominantly by high school girls.

"Can I just take you to dinner somewhere instead?"  
Those _purikura _booths were targeted at a female demographic, particularly middle and high school girls. It just seemed wrong for me to even be within 10 meters of that area. That disturbing feeling of being taken for a _lolicon_ crept along the recesses of my mind.

Yep, I completely refuse to go there. Anyways, I don't intend to go down without a–

"C'mon! Let's go!"

Kyou grabbed me by the hand and started pulling me towards the photo booths. The crowds of girls gathered around the booths were giggling and whispering to each other as Kyou pulled me along by the hand. I was left with only one option: to hide my face using Totoro. Kyou dragged me into a booth barely large enough for two grown people to fit and sat me down on the stool; it was definitely designed for one person so I had no idea why Kyou even picked this one. It probably would be for the best to just go along and get everything over with as soon as possible.

Kyou proceeded to put coins into the machine and select the options for our photo session. The screen lit up and we were greeted by a young female voice, the kind you hear in those crappy _majokko_'s. In her ridiculous voice, we were asked to select what kind of photo session we were going to have. The options ranged from black-and-white and full color to more artistic filters like sepia; how many photos we wanted to take; how many copies we wanted printed of the session.

"Okay!"  
Kyou finished selecting our preferences and was prompted to hit the red button on the console when we were ready to start.  
"Ready, Tomoya?"

"Y- ! !"  
Suddenly, Kyou sat directly on my lap and started to adjust her seating position. The only thought that ran through my mind was that she was wearing a miniskirt; over and over again. It started to get uncomfortably hot inside this tiny excuse for a photo booth. I felt a drop of sweat trickle down my cheek as Kyou continued to scoot up to settle herself.

I was trying my best to not take this the wrong way, focusing on anything to get my mind off of what was happening. I started to get the feeling that this was all deliberate; very, very, _very_, deliberate. To make matters worse, Kyou pulled my arms so that I embraced her waist. Finally, after exhausting every effort in my body, she stopped moving around and sat still. I couldn't see her face, but I was damn sure she was grinning as she tortured me.

"Three.. two.. one – start!"

Kyou pressed the flashing red button on the console which triggered the voice of the young lady guiding us through the process of when to smile and pose for our pictures. We smiled normally at the camera for our first one, progressing into random shots of bunny ears and funny faces. I'm sure in most of them we were laughing more than smiling as we played around. I'll admit that it was fun despite our awkward seating arrangement. In the final shot Kyou turned around to kiss me on one cheek while Totoro 'kissed' – if you could even call it that – the other.

"_Ahk_ –" Kyou was examining the pictures as we walked out the arcade, "I look so ugly in these!"  
She began to hit me on the shoulder and back repeatedly with Totoro like he had become some sort of stress relieving squeeze ball.

"You look great in them, don't worry"

"Liar! You didn't even look!"  
Kyou continued to pout and hit me even harder with Totoro; I had started to sympathize for that poor gray oval of fluffiness and his new role.

"I was there for the actual pictures, remember?"  
I patted the top of her hair again, pushing down on her pony tail this time.  
"I don't need to see the photos to know that you looked perfectly fine."

She brushed her pony tail away from me with her hand with an emphasized '_hmph_'.  
"Fine, I'll believe you."

"Well then, since it already has been decided that I'm buying you dinner, where would you like to go?"

"How about that one place we passed by earlier? That little ramen stand below the walkway from the other building to here, remember it?"

"Ramen sounds fine, but I have no clue where the place you're talking about is."

"Tomoya you're hopeless," Kyou shook her head at me, again. "We were talking about how it was next to the _izakaya_ I found you in. How do you not remember talking about that?"

"Oh, that one. Right."

"If you never stumbled into that place none of this would have ever happened."  
Kyou walked closer to me and held onto my arm.  
"You never answered me by the way. That night we were making curry and Ryou called. I asked you if this was okay, you know, us being together like this. It's been weeks already since that day and we never talked about it. We started off pretty awkward, didn't we?

"I mean, I kissed you that morning." Kyou started to laugh a bit. "We hadn't seen each other in nearly a year and one of the first things I do is kiss you. I don't even know what I was thinking. I must have been just as lonely as you were, huh?"

We passed through the glass doors that led outside. The sun was going down again and the street lights were softly glowing as they prepared to lighten the darkness.

"I'm glad you didn't think I was crazy or anything when I did that and run away. I was just so happy to see you again and..." Kyou looked over at the sun as it sank into the horizon. "– I don't know. I guess I didn't want to lose you again."

"Kyou," I wasn't sure what to say, but I spoke out without thinking again. "I don't really know how I feel about it just yet. I'm sorry I can't give you a better answer right now."

"You're right," Kyou let go of my arm and moved away from me slightly. "I'm getting ahead of myself aren't I? You're probably uncomfortable with all of this and just being nice. Thank you, Tomoya.

"I think I'll go home now. It's getting late." Kyou wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

"Wait –" I grabbed her hand before she could walk away. "You still haven't forgiven me, remember? I have to buy you dinner first before you go home. Or else how can I live this down knowing you stood me up on a date?"

Kyou laughed lightly as she wiped another tear with the back of her hand. "Yeah, you're right. I'd be the mean one if I just ditched you, wouldn't I?"

"_Mhm_, you would be. I'm the jerk, remember?"

I led her by the hand around the corner where the ramen stand was. The entire sky was unobstructed by buildings or radio towers as we walked along the street. An array of orange and purple stretched all around us like a blanket. The streetlights flickered and row by row they began to illuminate the night.

We sat down next to each other in the last two seats at the end of the counter. Other customers were chatting and enjoying their food, making the little shop lively for its size. Above us written on sheets of paper were the names and prices of the ramen served varying from simpler styles like _tonkotsu_ to more specific regional specialties like _butter corn_. About ten minutes later, the chef placed the bowls of ramen we had ordered in front of us, giving a slight bow before he returned to his kitchen.

"Hey Kyou, did I ever tell you what I was doing before I went to that _izakaya_?"  
Kyou looked at me and shook her head as she picked up a bundle of noodles with her chopsticks.

"Well, I somehow got lost and found myself in this area so I decided to buy some things. I ended up just going to this gas stand and instead of telling the owner that I wanted alcohol and cigarettes, I told her that I was going to buy ramen thinking she'd leave me alone.

"I was wrong." I laughed out loud a bit remembering that day. "She ended up following me around the store, filling up an entire bag with instant noodles as she told me about every kind of ramen in existence. I ended up paying almost ¥2,000 for just ramen. I didn't even bother keeping all of it. I just threw it away – uh, literally."

"Wait, are you talking about the lady who works at Hisakawa?"

"Yeah," I nodded in acknowledgement. "How did you know?"

"I went there to get gas before I met up with my classmates that day. She was working at the counter reading a recipe book, I think."

"Not sure, didn't see one on the counter when I paid for everything. I think I saw you pulling out of the lot when I walked in. I probably should have realized it sooner; you're the only one who wears a bright red helmet with a white bike."

"You should have. To think I ran you over so many times with my bike and you still didn't recognize it."

I couldn't help but laugh since it was true. "I'm just surprised you didn't run me over on your way out."  
We both ended up smiling and laughing together.

"Hey Tomoya," Kyou had a more serious look about her. "You don't – you know – smoke or drink a lot anymore, right? I was hoping you wouldn't as much since we started being together more."

I hadn't given it much thought, actually. I haven't drunk any alcohol since that night I passed out in the bar. The last time I smoked was a week ago, and even then after running into Kyou it was a cigarette every other day or longer.

"You're right, I don't at all anymore. Never gave it much thought, really."  
I moved around the noodles in my bowl trying to decide whether or not I should say what was on my mind.  
"Uh, us being together.. it's a bit complicated. I do enjoy every minute of it, even the awkward moments. But I just… – I know you want a straight forward answer. Would you give me some time to figure it out?"

Kyou didn't respond for a while. She just sat there stirring her food with chopsticks.  
I probably shouldn't have said it.

"Okay."  
She set down her chopsticks and stuck her hand out to me with her pinky extended.  
"Until then, we don't change anything, deal?"

I reached out and interlocked my pinky around hers and shook.

"Deal."

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes:_

_- 'That Hillside Path Where the Cherry Blossoms Fall' is a translation of the first episode's title. It is also the place where Nagisa and Tomoya iconically first met.  
- 'Purikura' is a type of photo booth popular with a young female demographic.  
- 'Pokemon Getto Daze' is the original Japanese phrase that Ash uses in the Pokemon series; roughly (not really) translates into 'Gotta Catch Them All'  
- 'Matsumoto' is the name of the voice actress/singer who voices Ash Ketchum and sings the original pokemon theme song.  
- 'Togepi' is a type of pokemon carried around by Misty in the pokemon series.  
- 'Totoro' is from the Studio Ghibli film My Neighbor Totoro and refers to the fantasy creature that stars in it.  
- 'Susuwatari' also originates from the same Studio Ghibli film and refers to the small ash-like creatures featured.  
- 'Fei Long' is a character from the Street Fighter series who coincidentally is also voiced by the same voice actor who voices Okazaki Tomoya in the Clannad series. I felt it would have been a nice touch for Tomoya to play as this character in the arcade scene.  
- 'Makoto' is another character from the Street Fighter series; she is not voiced by the actor who plays Kyou, by the way.  
- 'Mach 5' in this case refers to the category of speed, not the television animation though it's personally relevant.  
- 'Lolicon' please google this term because explaining this probably means that I accept in some way or form that I am one.  
- 'Majokko' is a term for a magical girl, think Sailor Moon, for instance.  
- 'Izakaya' is a Japanese bar and grill that I referred to in the 3rd chapter.  
- 'Tonkotsu' is a pork-bone soup, a popular flavor.  
- 'Butter Corn' refers to a Hokkaido style of ramen; more particular to Sapporo._


	9. Chapter 9: Christmas Eve

**Chapter 9: Christmas Eve**

.

"I can't do it Tomoya."  
Kyou was staring at a metal plate bearing the name Fujibayashi on a stone wall that surrounded a typical Japanese home.  
"I should have told them I was busy or out of town."

Today is Christmas Eve and Kyou was invited over for lunch to celebrate. Ryou had come back from Tokyo a few days ago, sending Kyou into a constant state of anxiety as today slowly approached. I happened to be invited last minute through a phone call last night consisting of Kyou panicking for the majority of our conversation. Without much choice in the matter, I agreed to be her unofficial 'plus one' for the day.

"I can knock on the door for you if that would help."  
I knocked on the cold air in front of me as I tried to convince Kyou to move us to a much warmer area.

"No, it's fine. I can do this."  
She stepped a couple of paces forward with confidence but suddenly stopped mid-stride and wildly turned around, walking the opposite way towards her bike.  
"I take that back, Tomoya let's go home. There's this great –"

I grabbed Kyou by her shoulder and spun her back around towards her parent's home.  
"Kyou, we all have to fight our demons some day. It's time you fight yours."

"That's why exorcists exist Tomoya, they fight your demons for you. That's what the True Cross Academy is for."

Kyou tried to turn back towards her bike but I spun her around again and walked her towards the door. After some fidgeting and outright refusals, she reluctantly agreed to go as long as I knocked on the door.

We passed through the gate and walked up the cement pathway that led to the door. The garden surrounding the house was populated with a variety of flowers and trees all well tended to. We arrived at the door and I immediately knocked without any hesitation.

"You were supposed to let me prepare and collect myself! !"  
Kyou grabbed me by my shoulders and violently shook me.

"Kyou! Merry Christmas!"  
Ryou opened the door and leaped at her sister with a hug. She was wearing an apron and her hair, which was notably longer than before, was tied up. If I wasn't aware of the circumstances surrounding their relationship, I would have thought they were the best of friends.  
"How have you been doing since we last saw each other?"

"Merry Christmas! I've been doing good. Oh, here –"  
Kyou smiled and handed Ryou her Christmas present.  
"Mom couldn't help but tell me the great news already. Congratulations!"

"She told you already? It was supposed to be a surprise! Thank you though, really!"

"Heh, you know how mom is. Ah, I just noticed you're wearing an apron."  
Kyou's face had a touch of concern as she gazed upon her sisters cooking attire.

"Mhm, I cooked most of it. Don't worry though! I know what you're thinking! I'm a much better cook now ever since I started to live on my own in Tokyo."

"That's great! I'm sure it's delicious."  
Kyou smiled but for a moment it was as if hearing those words left a bitter taste in her mouth.

Ryou shortly realized after a few exchanges with Kyou that I had been standing here listening.  
"Tomoya, it's uh, good to see you. I didn't realize you were joining us – sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude. It's just a huge surprise."

"Thanks, sorry about showing up at the last minute. Merry Christmas and congratulations, by the way. It's good to see you again."

"Thank you! It's nice to see you again, too. How have you, uh.. - never mind, come in! It's cold outside today!"

As we entered the house, I noticed that the walls were decorated with photographs of the Fujibayashi family. The pictures of the twins growing older were ordered chronologically from the far end of the hall to the front door. Despite them being the same age, Kyou always looked like she was the elder sister in each photograph.

"Everything looks almost entirely the same, but.. I don't know. It's different somehow."  
Kyou's eyes never left the photographs of herself and Ryou as she walked down the hallway.

"Nostalgia?"  
I stopped at a picture of them smiling and hugging each other.

"Possibly."

"Is he your boyfriend Kyou?"  
I nearly jumped when an unfamiliar voice startled me from behind belonging to a woman with deep violet eyes and hair nearly identical to Kyou's.

"Wh-what makes you think he's my boyfriend?!"  
Kyou stammered as she quickly turned around to address her mothers accusation.

"Because it's more entertaining that way, dear. Merry Christmas Kyou's date!"

"Merry Christmas."  
I gave a slight bow politely as I could despite the awkward situation she put me in.  
"Sorry for suddenly joining your family lunch last minute."

"No, no, you're more than welcome to join us."  
She gave a warm smile before she continued.  
"The more company the merrier, right?"

I smiled and nodded at her in agreement although I still felt uncomfortable for intruding so suddenly. Kyou was still standing there motionless, mortified by her mother's introduction. I put my hand on her shoulder and gave her a squeeze to wake her from her dormancy.

"We've been here for only, what, one minute?"  
Kyou sighed and shook her head at me.  
"We should have left when he had the chance."

She dredged off towards the end of the hallway where the kitchen and living room met. I wasn't so worried about meeting their mother as I was their father. Akio doesn't exactly count as a normal dad so I have no clue what to expect.

As we walked into the room we were greeted with,  
"Where are your manners Kyou? This is still your home."

"Sorry. Tadaima."

Kyou glanced at me momentarily with a painful expression.

"Who is that man standing there in the hall? Is he your friend?"  
He looked me over as he spoke. I felt every inch of me being examined with scrutiny sending the hairs on the back of my neck tingling with a cold sensation.

"Yes. This is Okazaki Tomoya, an old classmate and a good friend of Ryou and I."  
Kyou subtly gestured for me to introduce myself.

"Pleased to meet you sir."  
I unconsciously bowed low enough to the point that my torso was nearly parallel with the ground. I felt his eyes on the back of my head adding so much weight to where it felt like a battle trying to stand back up.

"Hm, yes, pleased to meet you to."  
He put down his newspaper and reached for his mug of coffee.

"So Tomoya will be joining us for lunch as my guest."  
Kyou spoke with a confident voice to make her intentions understood. However, it didn't seem to have much of an effect on him.

"This was meant to be a family celebration, Kyou."  
His voice was unwavering and commanding, completely overshadowing Kyou's efforts.  
"I expected even _you _to understand that."

Kyou was staring at the ground as her father lectured her. It was painful for me to watch, but I knew this was something I had no say in. I understood why Kyou wanted to avoid going home and I felt bad for pushing her so much into doing this. The room went completely silent save for the occasional sips from his coffee mug. Kyou hadn't moved an inch the entire time.

"Foods ready! Everyone gather around the table."  
As if she deliberately timed it, Kyou's mother broke the silence as she passed by with a bowl of steaming rice.

.  
.x.  
.

"Kyou, how are your studies?"  
Her father was the first one to speak although he didn't appear genuinely interested despite his asking since the only time he broke eye contact with his newspaper was to eat.

"They're going well. Next year I should be interning at a local school. If I'm lucky I may be able to start with a kindergarten class, but I'm able to teach any year up to middle school."

There was excitement behind her words when she spoke of internship. This was the first time since we arrived that she had been genuinely happy. It was relieving to see her so positive after what happened earlier.

"I see."  
His words were cold and apathetic; he hadn't even looked at his daughter the entire time she spoke.  
"How has your first year of nursing school been Ryou?"

"Stressful for the most part. I got into the program later than I hoped for but I think the extra courses I took while waiting has helped immensely. It's really fun despite all that. I'm finally learning what I came to school for."

"I'm glad to see that your hard work had paid off. I was so proud when you told us you had been accepted."

His attitude had completely changed. He hadn't said more than three words to Kyou just a moment ago, but in front of that same daughter he easily spoke so highly of her sister. How he could treat his daughters so differently was a slap to the face. I grit my teeth and tried to calmly continue eating my meal.

"Kyou," this time her mother showed interest in the topic, "are you planning on teaching in Hikarizaka?"

"At first I wasn't, but then some students heard rumors about the city opening an elementary school in the new part of town. They're hiring with really good starting pay for new teachers, too."

"That's great Kyou! You can visit your nagging mother every once in a while. What about you Ryou? That new hospital just opened up not too long ago."

I was taken back to that winter day where I stared out the window praying for the first time in my life. My chest grew so heavy and tight that I had to put my chopsticks down. I tried to conceal my discomfort from the rest of the table.

If that hospital was just open one year ago maybe... maybe she would ––

"Oh, actually, I planned on nursing in America. I heard San Francisco is beautiful and even has a Japanese community. I've been studying English as well so I can nurse there. The nursing program I'm in has had many successful nurses go overseas, so I'm going to try my luck down the same path."

"Amazing Ryou, I didn't realize you were planning on nursing overseas. We were proud of you for entering such a prestigious school, but it never occurred to us that you were intending to nurse in America."

That was the first time their father took his eyes off his newspaper. His face was filled with pride knowing that his daughter's aspirations were incredible. I admit that even I felt shameful of how measly my aspirations were in comparison. Despite my own personal insecurity, I couldn't imagine what Kyou was going through right now. She hadn't touched her food since Ryou started speaking. Her eyes were fixed and glazed over as if something had died inside of her.

"Thank you for the meal."  
Kyou briskly stood up, interrupting the conversation midway. She collected her dishes even though the food had barely been touched.

"Kyou! Where are you going?"  
Her father's attitude had, in that instant, changed into a certain coldness.

"I-.. I don't feel well. I think I'm going to go home to try and sleep it off."  
Kyou quietly ignored her fathers further bickering and discontent as she placed her dishes into the sink before making her way to the door. We listened to her footsteps as they silently faded away, ending with the sound of the door closing behind her.

"Sorry for leaving so suddenly... thank you for the meal."

I quickly followed suit and hurried towards the door to catch up with Kyou. By the time I passed through the gates, she had already put on her helmet and started her bike. My walk picked up into a slight run without my realization as I closed the distance between us. Within minutes we were speeding down the road. Even with the wind blowing against us I could tell that she was crying. Her cheeks were red and I could feel her diaphragm contract every time she tried to hold back her tears.

We pulled into her parking spot under the metal shelter where a row of scooters and bicycles were parked. Usually Kyou would hop off of her bike before I would, but this time she just sat there. She had stopped crying but her breathing was still uneasy.

"Tomoya..."

"Yes?"

"Please don't let go just yet."

.  
.x.  
.

Kyou and I were sitting in her room with the lights turned off; the only source of sunlight coming from a break in the curtains. We were silently leaning against the wall side by side with our shoulders barely touching. I didn't really know how to comfort her, much less know what to say.

"Hey, Tomoya."

"Hm?"

"Do you remember our deal?"  
I felt Kyou embrace me from the side and place her cheek against me.  
"Can I cry?"

I gently brushed the hair away from her face and put my arm around her.  
"Yeah."

Kyou quietly sobbed and held onto me the entire time while I just sat there clueless of what to do. It's easy to help her when she's angry or yelling at me, but crying... damn it. Nobody teaches you how to help someone when they're crying. You just sit there pathetically and hope that they feel better.

I sank back and stared up at the ceiling hoping some sort of an answer would magically appear. I felt her tears against my skin as they seeped through. My thoughts started to wander around and I realized that it was funny. Funny that we humans can instinctively react to almost every situation we find ourselves in, but we have no idea how to react to another person crying. What kind of sick joke is that? Was there a God up there who thought it would be entertaining to watch us fumble around incapable of helping one another in times like this?

I hit my head against the wall to try and shrug off those thoughts; this wasn't the time to be angry. The best I can do now is just let things happen and be as supportive as possible. Even if it means sitting here for hours just letting her cry.

.  
.x.  
.

"Thank you."

"Huh?"  
I was startled by the suddenness of her words. Her breathing had steadied and become rhythmic so I assumed she had fallen asleep. I must have started to doze off myself.  
"Sorry.. I think I was nodding off."

"Dummy."  
Kyou gently tapped me on the chest with a closed palm.

"I said thank you."

"I didn't do anything though."

"I know."

I laughed at that genuine look of hers; that smile which managed to surface after crying for who knows how long. It was a smile that said I should have known that already. She laughed along with me for no reason whatsoever.

"I guess that makes sense," Kyou stretched out her legs as she spoke, "that after crying so much the only thing leftover is laughter, right?"

"So.. I take it you're okay now?"

"No, but it's bearable. At first I thought that this wasn't fair at all. How could she, despite being my twin, be so much better than me? How could she be loved more by my father? Where did I go wrong?"

She forced a few laughs out to overcome the impulse to cry.

"But then I realized that you can never love two people the same way. You'll always love one person more than the other. In the end, even though nobody admits it, parents play favorites with their children. Sounds painful, right? And the only reason I can bear with it now is because I know that Ryou will never have to suffer feeling this way. It still hurts, but that alone makes me feel a little better. Anyways," she brought her lips to my ear and whispered, "I already have experience with that kind of love."

I swallowed the lump in my throat as she breathed those words into my ear. I still hadn't given her an answer so she was toying with that fact. I turned my head so that she couldn't see my expression; hopefully she thinks I didn't understand what she meant.

"Besides, if I spend my entire life moping, how can I accomplish great things like becoming a teacher or making fun of you?"

"Aren't tsunderes supposed to be lovey-dovey in the end? How come you're so mean still?"  
I shot her a frown to show my displeasure of knowing that she considers that an accomplishment.

"You act like I'm attracted to you or something ridiculous like that."  
Kyou started to advance closer to me while she spoke, causing me to fall over. I meant it all as a joke but she seemed to be taking it seriously. I was already on my back but she continued to slowly crawl towards me. I felt a bead of sweat form on the side of my head as she approached.  
"How come you're so nervous Tomoya? I thought you weren't sure how you felt about me?"

Kyou's face was only inches above mine already. I felt each breath of hers as we exchanged exhalations. The warm aroma of her scent traveled through me, tingling each nerve with a calming sensation. Her pupils were dilating and I felt my pulse accelerate. The thud of my heart beat sent reverberations like a drum beat through my body.

"Is that you want me to be to you?"  
She slowly brought her lips to my ears again almost as if she was placing a kiss. I felt the breath of each word dance along my skin as she spoke, sending a sedative sensation throughout my body.  
"Lovey-dovey?"

Every impulse and desire in my body screamed for me to say yes. My body ached to feel the sensation of her lips against mine again. I wanted more than anything right now to get lost in the emotion, but it would be cruel to let this go any further. She doesn't deserve someone like me who is so broken and torn apart, incapable of loving her the same way she loves me. In the end, I'm just a burden to her.

"Kyou, I –"

_Thud! Thud!_

We both turned our heads to the door and back to each other as we tried to confirm if what we heard wasn't just our imagination. Kyou got up and walked towards the door to check the peephole for a visitor. I took a deep breath of relief and sat back up to try and relax.

"I didn't realize you were going to visit."

Kyou's disheartened voice trembled as if things had turned for the worst. I looked past her silhouette cast by the light entering through the door to see who was there. It was Ryou holding a large bag in front of her that she was balancing with her arms and a knee. Kyou quickly grabbed the bag to help her sister and walked her in.

"Sorry for what happened earlier!"  
Ryou bowed down apologetically to her sister.  
"We didn't get to catch up so I thought it would be okay if I visited."

"You say that like I don't want you here... I was just surprised."  
Kyou rubbed the back of her neck and tried to play it off casually.  
"Don't be such a stranger Ryou, come in and relax. Tomoya is here, too."

"Oh, good afternoon Tomoya."

"Good afternoon."  
I faked a smile as naturally as I could. That was one of the most awkward exchanges I've had. I'm sure she is wondering why I'm here but is afraid to ask. Hell, I'd like to know why I'm here too. All I wanted was a peaceful, relaxing Christmas Eve.

"Chicken?"  
Kyou was peeking into the bag that Ryou brought with a quizzical expression on her face.

"Mhm, I thought it would be appropriate."  
Ryou nodded as if what she brought was anything but abnormal.  
"You guys don't eat chicken here?"

"No, we do... but why for Christmas Eve?"

"It was something we did in Tokyo while I was there. I thought Hikarizaka would have adopted the tradition by now, too." Ryou continued to stare at her sister like she should have known that. "I guess that might have been why it was so easy to buy some last minute. Most of the time we have to get it early."

"I've heard of it in passing but I never suspected it would be true. It never hurts to try something new though. Plus, I haven't even cooked dinner yet."  
Kyou acknowledged her sister's generosity and consideration with a smile.  
"Should we eat now while it's still fresh?"

.  
.x.  
.

"So Okazaki, you and Kyou are..?"

Ryou was leaning forward looking at both of us back and forth. She was biting her lower lip and her cheeks were red. She was obviously drunk after only one cup of sake.

"Wh-what do you mean?"  
I almost dropped my cup of sake on the floor as I was about to take a drink. I tried to take a sip from the cup but I felt my hand shaking too much from the nervousness.

"Ah-hah!"  
Ryou pointed blatantly to my face with a finger.  
"You're nervous! I can't believe you're in love with onee-chan!"

"I'm not!"  
I looked over at Kyou who scowled at me for being so blunt.  
"Wait, you act like I hate you Kyou!"

"Tsk, tsk. Don't you know what they say about people when they get defensive about stuff like that?"

"What?"

"I don't remember."

Ryou rocked back and forth complaining loudly as she tried to remember what she was talking about.

"That they're so defensive because they know it's true."  
Kyou finished her sister's thought aloud. She took a sip from her cup to hide her grin.

"Whose side are you on Kyou?!"  
I scratched my head fervently in frustration. This is just like the time when Nagisa became of age to drink.

"I'm sorry Tomoya. I'm too drunk to know what I'm saying."  
Kyou giggled and finished her cup of sake.

"Bah, Kyou's already drunk."  
Ryou slapped her hand on the table and attempted to pour herself another drink.  
"She's such a lightweight."

It may have been the alcohol, but I couldn't hold my laughter in anymore. I just started to laugh out loud uncontrollably at the sight of Ryou, the esteemed class representative, completely drunk. And only after one cup.

I sighed once my need to laugh faded away. The sad part was that she may be drunk already, but I'm no where near being intoxicated; I've built up somewhat of a tolerance.

"I think.. I'm going to sleep. _Oyasumina_–"  
Ryou fell backward with her hands extended above her. She curled up into a ball and fell sound asleep.

Kyou laughed and walked over to her closet to retrieve a futon and bed sheets. She gestured for me to grab Ryou and bring her over by the window where she was laying out the bed. I nodded and cautiously carried Ryou over to her, careful not to disturb her sleep.

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it." I sat down beside her as she tucked her sleeping sister in. "I can take care of the dishes and everything if you'd like to rest. It's been a long day."

"Actually," Kyou walked to the table and retrieved the bottle of sake, "I was hoping you'd have another drink with me."

"Sure."

I stood up and followed her to the corner of the room where we had sat together in the afternoon. We sat there beside each other and just passed the bottle back and forth quietly. The lights were off with only the moonlight shining through the window illuminating the room with a soft hue of blue. It was an interesting way for two people to spend Christmas Eve.

"Hey, thanks for being there for me today."

"You're not trying to pick another fight, right?"

Kyou punched me in the shoulder causing me to choke as I was drinking.  
"I'll take that as a yes."  
She was laughing the entire time while I coughed up the alcohol burning my throat and lungs.

"That was a genuine thank you," Kyou crossed her arms and pouted, "but I forgot that you have no idea what that sounds like since you're such a big jerk."

"So why do you continue to spend time with me if I'm such an idiot?"  
Those words just came out of my mouth without thinking. I swished the alcohol around in the bottle to check how much we had drank already; we had already finished a little more than three quarters of the 500ml bottle.  
"Aren't I just holding you back..?"

"Don't say that about yourself," Kyou pushed herself onto my shoulder so that she was leaning on me. "Only I'm allowed to call you an idiot."

"You're avoiding the question Kyou," I retorted immediately and moved away from her.

"You always say what's on your mind... you know it hurts sometimes?"

"That's –"  
… not the first time I've heard that.  
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be a jerk again."

"But that's why I think I like being with you so much. I'm so used to trying to impress people and live up to their standards. And you don't care about any of that. You see people for who they are as a person, not their achievements or anything like that. You don't wear a mask when you're with people, even if you come off as a jerk most of the time." Kyou stopped for a second and caught her breath; her words came at me like a train. She was wiping away the tears from her eyes with her wrists. "God, what am I saying? I'm just drunk, don't listen to me."

I slumped back against the wall clueless of what to think, much less what to say. Kyou moved beside me and rested her head on my shoulder. I wasn't sure if it was appropriate to feel relieved after hearing her say that. This entire time I thought I was just a burden on her shoulders as she tried to pick up the pieces. I never thought that she saw me more than just a pitiful person who needed to be taken care of.

"You act like I'm someone special."  
I gently brushed the hair out of her face again.  
"I'm just an idiot who is a jerk to everyone."

"Maybe, but you're still special to me."

.

.

* * *

Footnotes:

_True Cross Academy - A reference to Ao no Exorcist and the school for exorcists-in-training._

_Tsundere - "[a] character development process that describes a person who is initially cold and even hostile towards another person before gradually showing his or her warm side over time," (wikipedia). Kyou's 'archetype' for character development in relation to Tomoya is considered by most to be 'tsundere'. The word is formed from the phrases 'tsun, tsun', (to turn away in disgust), and 'dere, dere' (to become lovey-dovey)._

_Onee-chan - An affectionate way for a younger sibling to call their elder sister; uncommon for males to refer to their elder sister in this fashion (nee-san is commonly used in its place). Not to be confused with onii-chan, which has a more erotic connotation when a younger female/sister refers to an older male/brother._

_Oyasuminasai - A way of saying good night in Japanese. Ryou fell asleep before she could complete the final half of the word in this chapter._


	10. Chapter 10: New Year

**Chapter 10: New Year**

.

"Hey, Tomoya, pass me the 12mm wrench will you?" called Yoshino from on top of the electrical pole as he ran through the usual maintenance protocol.

"Looks like we're finishing up early today. Any plans with Kouko tonight for the new year?"  
I stepped onto the ladder to hand him the wrench he requested.

"Thanks," he grabbed the tool and glanced at his watch before resuming work. "Yeah, looks like we'll be done within the hour. Kouko actually wanted me to invite you over to celebrate with us."

"Hey now, I'm not sure if I should take offense to that."

"What do you mean?"  
Yoshino stopped to look away from the electrical box to see if I was serious.

"You act like I was going to spend my New Year's all alone. I'm not that bad, you know."

"Not that bad _anymore_, you mean. It's great to see you so lively these days Tomoya."  
Yoshino paused for a few moments before continuing.  
"When Nagisa passed away, Kouko and I were worried about you. I don't know what happened this past month or so but I'm glad it did. Well, I do sort of have an idea."

"What sort of idea would that be..?"

"The sort of idea that has to do with a woman with violet hair and eyes."

"Ah… so you've seen her already."

"Well, more than once at least. She picks you up every so often from the corner down the block from the office, right?" Yoshino closed the cover of the box and descended down the ladder. "I don't see it as a bad thing though. I'm just relieved you are doing fine now."

"There isn't anything going on between us."

"I never said anything was."  
Yoshino laughed as he placed his tools in their appropriate compartments in the utility van.  
"You don't have to be so defensive about it."

"I'm not ––"  
I ended that sentence before I embarrassed myself any further.  
"Do you think it's wrong?"

Yoshino wordlessly continued to organize his toolbox for a few moments before he said anything else.

"Are you looking for an honest opinion?"

He closed the trunk and walked around the van towards the driver's side. I unbuckled my helmet and sat down in the passenger seat while I waited for him to respond. An uneasy feeling settled in me now that I knew he was aware of Kyou's existence. As we drove off, Yoshino finally spoke.

"What is she to you, first of all?"

"A friend."

"That's it?"  
Yoshino shot me a look of disbelief.  
"I highly doubt that Tomoya."

"Okay, she's more than a friend."

"You won't get a proper answer if you don't answer honestly."

"Alright, alright. Truthfully, I don't know how I feel about her. Well, more like all my feelings for her are convoluted and confusing. Especially with Nagisa gone… I don't know anymore."

"So you're, what, in love with her?"

"I don't know."

"Or maybe it's that you're in love with her and you can't accept that because of Nagisa passing away."

The car coasted to a stop before the railroad tracks as the bars lowered. The air was filled with the deafening sounds of the clicking and humming of the train as it accelerated past us, followed by the gentle fading of the bell. The entire time I felt stunned; I shivered at hearing the truth finally spoken. It was as if he had read my inner thoughts that even I was incapable of understanding.

"But I don't love Kyou the same way..."

"So you're just using her."

"No!"  
My eyes widened at the sound of me shouting at Yoshino. I felt my blood circulate through me at an alarming pace and every drop was filled with a passionate rage.  
"Sorry, I didn't mean to yell."

"It's good that you did."  
Yoshino patted me on the back.  
"I know you loved Nagisa dearly, but she's gone... and hating yourself won't bring her back. Anyways, I don't believe it's possible for someone to love two people the same way."

Those same words uttered by Kyou on Christmas Eve rang through my mind louder than the train. I felt sick to my stomach knowing that I put her through this entire mess.

"However," Yoshino continued, "I don't think that just because you love two people differently means you care about any one of them less than the other. You loved Nagisa one way and you love this girl another way. So ask yourself, do you care less about Kyou just because you love her differently?"

Those words hit me like a drug. I instantaneously felt their relief as the effects surged through my body. My mind for the first time in so long felt completely at ease. The heaviness in my chest had disappeared and it felt like each breath I took was fresh and full of oxygen. The tears that flowed from my eyes didn't carry the weight that they normally did. For the first time in my life I was crying tears of joy. Tears of joy because I finally was able to accept Nagisa being gone completely. She no longer had to worry and watch me suffer from heaven as I lived my life in agony and depression.

She could finally rest in peace.

"Thanks Yoshino."  
I didn't even bother wiping the tears from my eyes. The cool feeling as they dried on my skin acted like a calming agent more powerful than any nicotine.  
"You say completely insane things all the time, but for once I finally understood you."

Yoshino stopped in front of the office instead of going around the back into the parking lot as he usually did at the end of shift. He extended his arm completely in front of me and pointed at the main door to the office.

"Go tell the boss that we finished an hour early for the day. I'll finish running the final checks on the vehicle and paperwork before I go home, you need to shower and get ready."

"Yoshino ––"

"Don't worry about it. Go on."

.  
.x.  
.

I ascended the staircase leading up to my apartment room as I listened to the New Year's celebration and festivities going on in the neighboring rooms. It put a smile on my face to hear how everyone was enjoying themselves so much and how I was going to join them soon enough.

As I unlocked the door to my room, I noticed that there was an envelope sticking out of my mailbox. I opened the lid and, to my surprise, found that there was more mail than that one envelope led me to believe. They were a variety of letters and postcards from old high school friends. I set them on the table inside before I entered the shower so I could open them later.

I turned on the hot water and let it run down my body as I stood there in the midst of the rising steam. The thing I wanted to do most right now was apologize to Nagisa for putting her through all of this. She had to watch me powerlessly as I spent this last year in turmoil. I raised the shower nozzle above me so that the water rinsed away all the sweat and grime built up from the workday. This year's winter wasn't as cold as the last but the warmth of the water was soothing.

As I soaped my body I finally built up the courage to see Nagisa's grave on her anniversary. This was the first time I would be observing the anniversary of her death. Sanae would visit monthly to place flowers and Nagisa's favorite breads on her gravestone, but I never once even bothered to visit. I need to apologize for being such a horrible husband this past year. I felt relieved that I finally was getting this off my chest.

I left the shower and dried off completely. For once when looked at myself in the mirror I didn't see a repulsive person who wasn't deserving of anything; I finally saw just me, Tomoya Okazaki.

I shuffled through the clothes in my closet to find something decent to wear. I opened up a plastic bag of clothes that I had stored away a long time ago that Nagisa and I had purchased when we were able to spare some money to go shopping. I carefully placed aside the clothes that had belonged to her and looked for the gray button-up shirt that she loved so much.

As I raised the shirt in front of me I felt something fall on my lap. It was the portrait of Nagisa and I just newly married, smiling at Akio and Sanae taking the picture. The shot was horribly framed and even partially out of focus, but I loved it. I saw a tear drop hit the photograph. There I was crying again from tears of happiness. I started laughing at myself from how silly I must have looked crying here completely naked sitting on the floor. I tucked away the photo into my dresser and put on the clothes I picked out which included a t-shirt that Kyou had given me for Christmas.

_Thud! Thud!_

I hung up my towel and made my way to the front door to let Kyou in. She was standing there in an awkward fashion trying to balance the food she cooked under one arm while her other hand was extended forward ready to knock again. Her hair was styled into a pony tail just like that one day with the hair clip I had given her for Christmas.

"Happy New Year."

We both greeted each other at the same time and ended up laughing. I grabbed the food she prepared from under her arm and walked her in. The scent of the food wafted through the air as I placed it on the table in the center of the room. My stomach grumbled in anticipation of eating the delicious food.

"Was that you?"  
Kyou stared at me with an eyebrow raised and a crooked smile.

"Yeah… I haven't eaten since this morning. Yoshino and I skipped lunch so we could finish early."

"Dummy," she shook her head, "come on, let's go eat before you pass out from starvation."

One by one Kyou unstacked the containers and arranged them on the table before she removed their lids. She had prepared so many dishes that I was worried how both of us were going to finish all of it. The memory of how I felt when I was forced to eat all the girls' food sent shivers down my spine.

"Oh Kyou, I got some postcards from some old friends. Did you want to read them together like we all did last year?" I pointed over at small pile of envelopes at the corner of the table.

Kyou stopped my hand partway as I reached over for them and gave me a concerned look. She immediately snatched them and put them beside her out of my reach. I just stared at her confusedly trying to figure out why she did that.

"Tomoya," Kyou said my name as if I did something wrong, "you never sent out the letters did you?"

"What letters?"

Kyou swallowed as if what she was about to say was painful.

"Your _m__ochu__ hagaki,_ Tomoya."  
Kyou stirred around uncomfortably as she said those words.

"_M__ochu__ hagaki?"_

"The postcards you send to tell everyone that someone in your family has passed away…"  
Kyou's voice trembled as she spoke; her last few words faded into a whisper.  
"They sent you a postcard because they didn't know."

"Look," she picked up one of the letters, "this one is addressed to both you and Nagisa."

"I can't believe I forgot."  
I sat down and rubbed my eyes with my palms.  
"All these people have no idea what happened."

"It's best that we just don't open them anymore, Tomoya. We can write a formal apology later explaining what happened. I'm sure everyone will understand."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. I just feel horrible."

"She wouldn't blame you for it. "  
Her voice lowered to a whisper again.  
"I wouldn't have at least."

I forced myself to shake it off for at least right now.

"Hey, let's eat the food you made before it gets cold. It looks delicious."  
I took two bowls and put rice into them from one of the containers.  
"Don't let me spoil the holiday spirit."

"How come you're the one who gets to be so strong?"

"What do you mean..?"

"So many things have happened and all I've done is push my problems on to you."

"Oh," I shrugged at her. "I guess it's because you're here for me."

"I've told you that you suck at making jokes before right?"  
Kyou's face had a touch of annoyance.

"I'm being honest."  
I laughed at her colorful response.  
"You know, I realized something today..."

I felt my heart begin to race as those next words formed in my mind.

"I think I'm in love you Kyou."

"I just said you weren't funny..."  
Kyou's eyes widened and her face flushed into a deep scarlet.

"I wasn't making a joke. I'm in love with you."

"Tomoya, please stop saying that. You don't really mean it... you're just being nice."  
Kyou turned her head away from me so that I couldn't see her face anymore.

"You were right about someone not being able to love two people the same way."

I gently turned Kyou's face towards mine so that we were looking each other in the eyes.

"Maybe this all started because I wanted to forget about the pain and agony I was in. And instead I ended up falling in love with you. I was just scared that I was in love for the wrong reasons because I still had feelings for Nagisa. But then today I realized that love can manifest itself in different ways. And just because it's different doesn't mean that I don't care so much about you."

The tips of our noses were already touching. We were almost exchanging breaths from how close our lips had become. As we gazed into each other's eyes, I watched her pupils dilate every moment we spent being that close. I felt my heart pounding against the inside of my chest like a bass drum.

"So what kind of love is it then?"

"This kind."

I felt the soft sensation of her lips against mine. Her eyes widened as if they needed to take in as much of the world as they could to make sure this was truly happening. She slowly closed her eyes and so did I. Our lips went from a gentle connection to a passionate romance. I felt her fingers run through my hair as she put her arms around me. I brushed the hair from her face behind her ears and pulled her closer to me. Emotion after emotion came fumbling forward like an ecstasy.

"Tomoya, wait ––"  
Kyou pulled away from me.  
"We should take this slow. We can't rush into things like this."

In the midst of all it I had found myself on top of Kyou laying down against her.

"I didn't mean for us to end up like that."  
I pushed myself off of her and sat back.

"I was just scared that you might be making a mistake."  
Kyou sat up and adjusted her ponytail.  
"I didn't want you to look back and think of this night as something you regret."

"Sorry, you're right. We skipped a few steps didn't we?"

"Maybe just a bit," Kyou gestured with a small space between her thumb and index finger. "I'm happy though... that you feel this way."

"So.." I looked around for something appropriate to change the subject. "Should we backtrack a few steps and have dinner?"

"Yeah, the foods probably cold already," Kyou pointed at the bowls of rice that I had prepared which were no longer steaming.

We both looked over at the food sitting on the table and grinned at each other for going so far off track from our original plans.

"I'll go heat it up."

.  
.x.  
.

Kyou almost choked on her _amazake_ when she heard my question. She placed her cup down on the table almost knocking over some of the dishes as she violently coughed.

"What do you mean visit?" she managed to ask between her fits of coughing.

"You know, light incense for her?"

Kyou caught her breath before she said any more.

"Tomoya, I'm referring to the fact that you're asking me to go with you."  
Kyou looked at me like some sort of craziness had come over me.  
"Maybe two days ago I would have said yes. No, even two hours ago I would have said yes. You can't ask me something like that after what you just told me!"

"But you're the reason I've been able to come to terms with it all," I rubbed the back of my neck not realizing that I would have opened up Pandora's box with my request.

"I know... but how can I go with you without feeling so ashamed. I feel like I stole you from her. It's like I'm spitting on her grave."

"I don't think Nagisa would have held it against you."

"Tomoya, you're so dense you can barely even tell when a girl has feelings for you. Now you're going to tell me that you know how Nagisa would feel about me visiting with you."

Kyou looked at me like I was on a whole other level of idiocy.

"I only meant that with everything that has happened to me, I don't think Nagisa would hold it against you for helping me so much."

"I had my own ulterior motives Tomoya, even a turtle could have seen that!"

"Please go with me?"  
I placed my hands to my sides and bowed deeply.  
"I can't do this without you. I've never been to her grave and I'm scared that I'll back out last minute. I need to tell her how sorry I am for what I put her through this entire year."

I closed my eyes shut until she made her final response.

"_Nngh_," Kyou grumbled at me, "you don't play fair at all. How am I supposed to say no when you do something like this?"

"Thank you."

"I'll only do this on two conditions," she raised two fingers in the air. "I get to move in with you and you accompany me for _hatsumode_."

"Deal."

Kyou sat back down by the table and poured herself another cup of _amazake_.

"I can't believe I let you talk me into doing this."  
She sighed and took a sip.  
"At least the shrine _amazake_ is worth it."

.  
.x.  
.

We walked side by side as we ascended the stone staircase that led to the shrine. Families, friends, and lovers all passed by us in the opposite direction laughing and enjoying the holiday. Some even wore extravagant kimonos since the weather this year was beautiful. Children were chasing after each other with their _omikuji _in hand trying to trade their fortunes with friends.

The final red gate stood at the top of the staircase right before the shrine grounds. As we approached it we were able to see the crowd gathered around the main temple in a line as they each awaited their turn to offer their prayers. The main road was lined with glowing stone lanterns leading up to the temple'souter fence. People were walking around with their cups of_ amazake_ rising with steam against the cold night air.

"I wish I wore mine," complained Kyou as she gazed around at all the women wearing their beautifully-colored kimonos. "It's not even that cold this year."

"There's always next year."  
I led Kyou towards the line that was waiting in anticipation for a cup of hot _amazake_.  
"Besides, you look great."

Kyou looked down at her plain black winter coat adorned by a red scarf and grimaced.  
"Tomoya, you need to get your eyes checked."

I shook my head at her and laughed. "Come on, we're almost next."

We were greeted by a smiling shrine maiden who was probably around our age. She poured the drink from a steaming pot with a ladle into two cups for us to enjoy.

After taking a sip of their _amazake, _I understood why Kyou was so adamant about getting some here; there was something so much better about it. With our drinks warming our hands and body, we walked towards the booths where other shrine maidens were collecting donations for _omikuji_.

"So, about my other condition," asked Kyou as we were standing in line. "Are you okay with it?"

"With you moving in? I don't mind at all as long as you're comfortable with it. My place is a lot smaller than yours."

"That's fine," Kyou smiled at me, "it'll just be cozier this way. I just wanted to make sure you weren't against me moving in so suddenly."

"We practically lived together this past week anyways, I'm always visiting you after work for dinner. This way I may actually get some sleep at night instead of staying over at your place so late."

"You might lose sleep for other reasons now," Kyou whispered into my ear.

I felt my cheeks drastically heat up and turn red while Kyou tried to hold her laughter in.

"I was kidding," she added, continuing to smirk at my current discomfort. "I didn't realize you were so imaginative."

"Hah, if I didn't know any better I would think that you do these things deliberately."

"Tomoya, it hurts that you even considered that possibility."  
Kyou placed a hand over her heart with a painful expression which shortly turned into a grin.

"You're right," I bowed down apologetically. "There is no way someone as kindhearted as you would ever want to harm someone intentionally."

"Of course, now the only way you can earn my trust again is if you pay for my _omikuji_."  
Kyou crossed her arms and turned away haughtily.

"Seriously, five-yen? I didn't realize your trust was so cheap, Kyou."

"It's only because you're being so nice today."  
Kyou, with her head turned from embarrassment, fidgeted as she said what may have been one of her few compliments directed at me.

I took her by the hand and led her to the counter where the shrine maiden had our fate inside of her box. After my donation of two five-yen coins, the shrine maiden shook the box and retrieved two numbers, placing their corresponding fortunes on the table facing down. Kyou and I both placed a hand down on an _omikuji_ and nodded at each other.

"On the count of three," Kyou lifted three fingers up with her free hand.

We looked into each other's eyes as we counted down together.  
"Three... Two... One... Go!"

"Yes!" Kyou threw her hands in the air ecstatically as she jumped up. "Great blessing!"

"Bah, half-blessing."  
I looked down at the kanji boldly staring me in the face.  
"At least it's not a curse this year."

"You mean you've gotten one before?"  
Kyou looked at me with a raised eyebrow as I interrupted her celebration.

"Yeah... What's with that look, as if you're looking at some poor, pathetic being?"

"Nothing." Kyou sighed and reached her hand out towards me. "Let's go tie these to the tree before your bad luck catches up to the both of us."

We waited by the cherry blossom tree until there was room for us to tie our _omikuji_. All of our fortunes attached to the tree from a distance made it seem like the tree was blooming. The white paper rustled and shifted with the wind like surrogate leaves. It felt like the beauty of the tree was preserved by our weird habit of trying to manipulate our future.

I stood on the tips of my toes to reach for a branch for us to attach our fortunes to. Kyou carefully tied hers to one of two delicate twigs that bifurcated near the end of the branch. While continuing to hold on, I passed her mine to attach to the one next to hers. We tried to keep our eyes on them as I released the branch but they faded seamlessly into the silhouette of white fortunes.

"It's kind of scary isn't it?"  
Kyou continued to stare at the cherry blossom tree.  
"How easily things fade away right before our eyes into almost nothing."

"Yeah, it is."

"Promise you won't leave me?"  
Kyou embraced me and buried her face into the chest of my jacket.

We stood there for a while as the rest of the world continued forward. I wanted to preserve this moment for as long as I could. My trials and tribulations were soon coming to an end. As long as Kyou is there by my side, I will finally be able to do what I should have done long ago.

"Only if you promise me the same."

"I promise."

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes:_

_Mochu hagaki - a letter used to politely inform its recipient of a recent death in the sender's family. The tradition of not mailing the sender's family a New Year's postcard or letter was formed to not disrespect the recently deceased._

_Amazake - a sweet rice wine that is traditionally made during the New Year holiday season._

_Hatsumode - the first shrine visit of the year._

_Omikuji - a fortune traditionally received during hatsumode. The fortunes range from Great Blessing (dai-kichi) to Great Curse (dai-kyou). This is the paper that is tied to walls or trees that is commonly seen in Japanese television shows._


	11. Chapter 11: One Step at a Time

**Chapter 11: One Step at a Time**

.

I walked a few paces ahead of Kyou through the narrow pathways that were designed like an intricate spiderweb. The direction I took was solely based on my memory of that day one year ago. I struggled to recall anything but the lone cherry blossom tree withered away by the harsh winter; everything from that time was blurred away.

Our feet began to drag from how far we had already walked in the bitter cold. A thin sheet of a snow covered many of the gravestones making our search far more difficult than we originally expected. I took a random turn towards a tree in the distance with a small amount of hope that this would finally come to an end.

Using my sleeve as protection, I wiped away a layer of snow revealing the name Furukawa on a lonesome gravestone. I felt a breath of relief escape from my lungs as I knelt down to clean off the remaining snow.

"It's this one here."

Kyou wordlessly stood by the tree about ten meters back; just like I had that day. I beckoned her towards me but she refused with a shake of her head.

"You have to fulfill your part of the deal by _literally_ staying by my side, Kyou."

"Hey, stay back," Kyou was glaring at me and with her hands out in front of her. "You said I had to go with you, not be right next to you. No, Tomoya – hey! Let go!"

I took her by both hands and pulled her along with me back to Nagisa's gravestone.

"Just right here is fine." I had brought her a few meters away where she would still be within an earshot.

"Please explain to me why you're adamant about me being so close."  
Kyou shifted around uncomfortably where she stood, avoiding any eye contact with the grave.

"I'll only make things worst."

"No, you won't. I'll explain everything after, I promise."

I walked back towards the gravestone keeping my eyes on Kyou to see if she'd actually stay.

I knelt back down where I had cleared away the snow and took a deep breath. My body trembled from the anxiety. I stared at the two kanji and mouthed out their sounds as I exhaled.

"Nagisa," my voice nearly choked as I said her name, "it's me, Tomoya."

"It's been a while, hasn't it? Sorry it took me so long to visit."  
I continued to wipe away the snow with my sleeve trying to find the right words.

"I thought if I could just forget everything that maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Stupid, right?" I forced out a laugh. "I guess I still can't do anything right without you."

"I never wanted to hurt you, but in the end I couldn't protect you. It was so painful knowing that I did all of this. I hated myself for wanting to marry you and having a child. You didn't deserve any of this Nagisa."

I felt my tears sting against the cold winter morning as they traced down my cheeks.

"I'm so sorry Nagisa..." I pushed away my tears with a snow covered sleeve. "I'm so sorry for all the mistakes I've made. I came here today to tell you that. I'm going to make it up to you so you won't have to worry anymore. I know I've failed as a husband and father, but I'm going to try harder this time. I stopped drinking and smoking already. I know that none of this is enough for you to forgive me... but maybe one day in the next life I'll be able to look you in the eyes without being so ashamed."

I placed my head against her gravestone and sobbed uncontrollably until I no longer could. I needed to let everything out so I could finally break free of these shackles.

"I promise I'll visit again soon."

I pressed my hands together and bowed my head before standing up. With my head tilted back, I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths to relax. I felt Kyou's embrace from behind and her head rest against the center of my back.

"Feeling better?" Kyou asked into the padding of my jacket.

With my hands on top of hers, I looked up and watched the clouds carefully make their way across the sky. As long as Kyou is by my side, I'm sure I can amend all the wrongs I've committed one small step at a time. This was the first step to this long uphill climb, but what waits for me at the top of the hill is worth all the pain and suffering. I gently squeezed her hands and held them close to my heart.

"I think so."

An orb of light wafted through the air, floating towards an unknown destination in the sky. I remembered Yukine's explanation of why they appeared in this city; that it was because something good happened or that someone was truly happy. I prayed that the light orb was for Nagisa.

"Tomoya-kun?" called out a familiar voice followed by the slushing of snow.

My heart froze.

Not from the cold, but from knowing whose voice that belonged to. The dark realization that I wasn't prepared for what was going to happen came over me. These small steps suddenly turned into a violent uphill sprint.

I refused to turn my head to confirm the grim truth. I squeezed my eyes shut and told myself that it was just the wind. Nothing more than the wind.

"Is that you Tomoya-kun?" repeated that same voice closer this time.

"Morning..." my voice trembled as the words escaped into the cold air. "Sanae-san."

"I didn't think you would visit on your own, but I'm glad you did."

I quickly glanced out of the corner of my eye to confirm my fear. It wasn't seeing Sanae that worried me; it was the young girl that she carried in her arms.

Ushio was bundled in a heavy winter coat and red scarf with earmuffs that were obviously too big for her. Her eyes and hair were a perfect replica of her mothers. It was almost relieving in a morbid way that she didn't resemble me. Since I took away their daughter, the least I could do was give them back her surrogate.

"I was actually just finishing up and leaving." I stepped away from the gravestone back onto the pathway. "I'll be going now."

"Wait, please don't go yet Tomoya!" Sanae frantically replied, sticking her hand out to stop me. "You haven't seen Ushio in months... you should pray with her. For Nagisa."

Sanae carefully placed Ushio down on the ground and assisted her to her feet. Ushio wobbled forward a bit throwing her hands out in front of her in a childlike Frankenstein-esque gait, retaining her balance after a few unaided steps. She looked up at me with her amber eyes, proudly grinning from ear-to-ear.

"Papa?" piped Ushio as she reached out towards me with her hand.

I felt my knees buckle and nearly give in completely. I realized that Ushio had grown up so much in her first year and I missed all of it; her first words, her first steps... everything. And despite being a horrible father to her, she still called me papa. She has no idea what I've put her family through. Tears streamed down my face leaving my cheeks raw from the frigid air.

"Yes, Ushio?"  
I knelt down and extended my arms out towards her hoping that she wouldn't be scared to come closer.

Ushio smiled and ran towards me, tackling me with a hug and burying her face into the chest of my jacket. I rested my chin on the top of her head and squeezed her tightly. All my worries of Ushio hating me in the future went away for those few precious moments. I wiped away my tears and smiled back at her.

"Mama?" asked Ushio trying to peek over my shoulder as I embraced her.

"_Mhm_, we can pray for Mama now. Let's go together?"  
I carried her in my arms and walked towards the gravestone.

"Mama!" cried Ushio as she fidgeted and reached over my shoulders.

A chill was sent down my spine at the sound of her voice. My body froze and the deeper realization of what was happening dawned upon me.

I turned around to see Kyou staring at us with her hands clasped over her mouth and a horrified look in her eyes. She took a few steps back, shaking her head at me. Ushio began to whimper and reach out towards Kyou, mumbling the word mama repeatedly.

"Ushio," I cooed, cradling her to try and calm her down, "that's Kyou."

"Mama!" whined Ushio, thrashing her arms against me to let her go.

"Ushio, that's not mama..."  
The words pierced my heart like an arrow.

She violently shook her head at me and pointed at Kyou crying, "Mama!"

"That's not... mama..."

I couldn't hold my tears in any longer. I felt so pathetic. I fretfully looked around for help but Sanae was on the ground, crying into her palms in front of Nagisa's grave. Kyou was still in shock behind the tree trying to remain hidden. I went numb to Ushio's pushing and crying as she tried to go to Kyou, screaming mama into the dead air.

We cried and despaired, but it was for the wrong reasons. Our tears weren't from mourning over the death of Nagisa, but from how broken and hopeless we felt. They were tears shed from a father incapable of coming to terms with his failures; a grandmother incapable of mending her broken heart; and a friend incapable of becoming what she couldn't be in the first place.

.  
.x.  
.

Kyou was sitting on the bed with her face buried in her arms. We'd barely spoken since we got back two hours ago. The only thing she told me when I asked if she was feeling alright was that she just needed some space to think.

The television was on but neither of us paid any attention to it; the sounds just echoed through the otherwise silent apartment. We left it on just so we wouldn't have to bear with the awkwardness.

I poured myself a glass of water to try and calm myself down. My hands were shaking from all the anxiety. My breathing had an uneasiness to it like I wasn't taking in enough air. I nervously looked through the kitchen drawers to see if by some chance I had a cigarette laying around. The events of this morning played out over and over again in my mind and it was driving me insane. If only I could find a cigarette... just one would be enough to calm down.

I slammed the last drawer unconsciously, startling Kyou in the other room so much that she jumped.

"What are you doing Tomoya?"

"Nothing... just looking for something."

"I threw them all out already," remarked Kyou, returning to her previous position. "Your cigarettes."

I grit my teeth from agitation; the noise from the television in the background was only adding to it. I took a few deep breaths and told myself to calm down.

"You shouldn't smoke right now anyways," added Kyou, "you've been doing fine without them."

"I only need one to calm down... that's all."  
I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands.  
"I'm going to go outside for a bit."

"Hey, I'm not allowing you to buy any cigarettes."

"Oh, I'm sorry _Fujibayashi-sensei,_ I forgot that you control what I can or can't buy. By the way, is it nap time yet? I've been stressed out and I could use a good nap."

"Was that supposed to be a joke Tomoya?" snapped back Kyou furiously. "I didn't mean to overstep my bounds on helping you not ruin your health any further. Oh, I'm sorry –– I forgot for a second that I wasn't Nagisa! I'm just so used to being her for you that I sometimes forget who I am!"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean Kyou?!"

"Exactly what you think it means!"

"Are we really going to fight right now? After what has already happened this morning!"

"Yeah we are! Because you think it's okay to just smoke and drink your problems away when things get too tough for you to handle!"

It felt as if everything in the room had momentarily silenced to emphasize those words. I felt betrayed by her. I thought that she would never be the person to say something like that. Without clearly thinking, I walked over to the door and opened it, allowing the icy winter air to permeate the heated room.

"I'm going to just leave now Kyou..."

"I'm not surprised at all! I hope you freeze to death out there so you can see how stupid you're acting!" shouted Kyou heatedly.

"I fucking plan on it!" I yelled back at her, slamming the door shut as hard as I could.

I turned up my jacket collar against the wind and descended down the staircase as if something was chasing me. It didn't matter where I went as long as it was away from here. I lengthened my stride and felt the iciness of the air burn as it passed through my lungs at an increasing pace.

Within minutes I began to suffer the consequences of leaving with the house in such a rush. I grasped myself tightly to try and keep whatever warmth I could within these thin layers. Half of me wanted to go back, but the other half had too much pride. Shaking my head, I disregarded that idea and bitterly dredged forward through the snow.

About twenty meters ahead of me I was able to make out the shape of a vending machine. A cup of hot milk coffee would be the most wonderful thing in the world right now. I reached into my pants pocket to grab the ice-cold coins that had huddled at the bottom, counting exactly how much change I had to spare.

But my heart sank the moment I stepped foot in front of it. The machine did not vend drinks like I imagined it would, but cigarettes. Kyou's words still lingered in my mind like a fresh cut. I felt a bitter taste in my mouth as I fought the temptation to buy just a single pack. I scraped the coins together between my thumb and index finger as the agitation continued to swell.

"Why do you do this to me God?!"  
I yelled into the stale air as my knees began to buckle from being so overwhelmed.  
"Do you enjoy making me feel pathetic?!"

I couldn't hold back any longer. I cursed under my breath and looked away as I put the money into the coin slot. I blindly selected a pack and quickly retrieved it from the bin as if I were guilty of some crime. With the cigarettes in hand I ran down the street ashamed of what I had just done.

A searing sensation had begun to develop where my skin was exposed to the cold. I was exhausted and out of breath. My lungs were crying for oxygen but the cold air prevented me from being able to breathe normally. I collapsed on a nearby park bench and hugged myself tightly for warmth.

I stared at the cigarette packaging in my trembling hands and couldn't help but morbidly laugh at the irony. The word _Peace_ glared at me through my clutching fingers.

Even God is capable of making sick jokes.

I shoved the cigarettes into my pants pocket and curled up into a ball.  
For some reason I just didn't feel like smoking anymore.

.  
.x.  
.

I woke up to find myself warm and resting my head against something soft. It didn't feel like a pillow or futon, but it was far more comfortable than anything I've ever slept on. I nuzzled my face against it and slowly began to drift back to sleep.

"Are you awake Tomoya?"

I opened my eyes just wide enough to make sure that I wasn't hearing things. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Kyou's deep lavender hair gently resting against her lap millimeters away from my face. A sick feeling of shame and guilt festering in my stomach prevented me from answering her.

"I'm sorry for saying all of that," continued Kyou with an uneasiness to her voice as she spoke. "You dummy... I didn't really mean it when I said I hope you'd freeze to death. You could have really died going outside like this..."

I could feel the sting of Kyou's tears pelt my face as she openly cried over my stupidity. I could taste the saltiness of her pain as the tears touched my lips. It was the kind of taste you only had to experience once to know that you hated it.

All I do is bring pain to her with my selfishness. That thought alone plagued my mind.

But right now there are more important things to worry about other than myself. I tried my best to shake off that mindset and focus on what was happening now. Kyou doesn't deserve to feel this way when it's my fault to begin with. She isn't responsible for what happened.

As if my body already knew the answer to the question forming in my mind, I found myself acting without thinking. I didn't know if what I was doing was right, but... it felt like it was.

I brought Kyou's face closer to mine and wordlessly placed my lips against hers. I didn't care that we were in public sitting on a park bench in the middle of a freezing January morning. The only thing that mattered right now was the taste of Kyou so I could forget the bitterness of her tears.

I tried to pull away to whisper that I was sorry, but she refused. I realized then that some things couldn't be expressed through words and were better left to a more passionate communication with the lips and tongue. I couldn't take back the words that were already spoken, but with this she knows that I never meant to hurt her.

That apology continued without any regard for the world and its onlookers. For once I didn't care what the world thought of me. As long as Kyou was beside me, things would be okay.

"I guess there's no point in me saying I'm sorry anymore?"

"No, not really," Kyou replied followed by a soft smile. "You're still an idiot, but I love you. Only you would go outside in this weather wearing only a sweater to keep you warm."

"You're the only one who would follow an idiot like me just to make sure I had a jacket."  
We laughed together for the first time today.  
"Should we go back to the apartment before we both freeze to death out here?"

"Yeah, let's."

.  
.x.  
.

"What did Kyou mean by that when she said that she was used to being Nagisa for me?"  
I asked aloud to the bathroom as I sat in the warm tub of water contemplating the day's events.

What a stupid question to ask myself, really. Of course she feels that way! It wasn't until recently did I understand what I felt towards her. Up till then I was using her as my replacement for Nagisa so I could cope with my depression.

I splashed the water out of frustration.

"_Agh_, I'm such an idiot! There has to be some sort of Guinness World Record for being as clueless as I have been! What made me think that telling her '_I love you and Nagisa in different ways_' was going to make things better in the first place?!"

I sank into the tub until my eyes were level with the water. I guess moping around and complaining isn't going to solve anything, but I have no clue where to go from here.

I can't deny that I still have feelings for Nagisa, but I know that I love Kyou.

How can I prove to Kyou that she's as important to me as Nagisa? What else can I do to prove that my love for her is equal?

I stared down at my naked body and an incredibly inappropriate idea crossed my mind.

"No, no, that's just going too far! It's not that I _haven't_ considered it, but isn't it too soon?! I mean, we're both mature adults of the opposite gender living together –– wait, I should be more surprised that it hasn't happened already. I'm not sure if I should be ashamed or prideful of how much self-restraint I have."

The sound of Kyou knocking at the bathroom door immediately followed my words.

"Are you okay in there Tomoya? You're making a lot of noise," called Kyou from outside the bathroom door. "Did you need anything?"

"Uh, n-nothing is going on in here! I'm fine!"

I scratched my head furiously and completely sank under the water of the bath tub. Would it be wrong to directly ask her about it? And the whole ordeal with Ushio that happened this morning... I can't act like that didn't happen either.

So where exactly do we go from here?

.  
.x.  
.

"I really don't know either," replied Kyou with a shrug as we continued to eat our dinner. "I suppose we'll just have to try our best and see how things turn out, right?"

I mentioned my concerns about today's incident with Ushio and Sanae meeting Kyou for the first time. Things progressed to such a painfully awkward state that I didn't even have the opportunity to properly introduce them to each other. In a way, I was relieved that I didn't have to.

"Anyway, I highly doubt that's _all_ you were doing."

I shot her a scowl.  
"First of all, to clean up this misunderstanding, _again_, I was not doing anything inappropriate! And we can't just pretend that it didn't happen."

"We're not pretending that it didn't happen Tomoya. Just like with your little bathroom play time, we just have to live with the fact that uncomfortable things happen in life."

"Can we not completely derail the meaningfulness of this conversation with your delusions?"  
I sighed and hung my head in defeat.

Kyou laughed and took a piece of pork cutlet from my plate.  
"Okay, okay. I'll stop making you feel bad about doing dirty things in your private time."

"Please take this more seriously Kyou," I added as I took a piece from her plate to make us equal.

"I _am_ taking this seriously Tomoya. This is just... how I deal with it, I guess."  
The tone of her voice was noticeably different.

"I don't want to think about how things went wrong today. I don't like thinking about how you have a daughter and other obligations concerning her. I wish things could just continue to be like this. Things like having dinner with you and going on dates in our free time. I know it's wrong of me to think that way, but I'm just scared. I just want to savor the short time we have before reality kicks in."

"Sorry..." I averted my eyes from her down to my food. "I never thought of it that way."

"Nope, take that back. We're not turning this into a sad night."  
Her cheerful tone returned as if she simply flipped a switch.  
"We're going to enjoy our dinner and be happy."

I smiled at her as best as I could despite the uneasy feeling that began to develop in the back of my mind. Kyou was dealing with much more than she was willing to let on, but she refuses to let me worry about her. Well, I can't blame her for it; I'm just as guilty.

But could this be the first step to developing our relationship? For us to build a foundation of trust that allows us to tell each other our problems?

"I guess you're right, we'll just take care of things one step at a time."

"Yep," added Kyou with a smile. "Just one step at a time."

We continued our meal comfortably with our only concern being what to do after we were done eating.

Everything else could wait till at least tomorrow.

.

.

* * *

_A/N:_

_So yeah. I'm back after a long hiatus thanks to a certain reader who gave me the motivation to finish up Chapter 11 after a bit of soul searching and deciding how I should go about this chapter. By the way, this isn't the end anymore. I know it was supposed to be the last chapter, but I changed my mind. I couldn't bring myself to end it this soon and there has been a change of plans. It's not that the original ending I wrote doesn't work, but I think this story has more potential as an alternate universe to the series beginning after Episode 16 of After Story._

_I think the story of two adults trying to overcome the difficulties of having a successful relationship and 'baggage' from the past is much more entertaining for both the readers and myself. I was never really a "Tomoya x Kyou" fan to begin with, but I think through writing these two I've learned to enjoy the quirkiness of their personalities clashing together. Let me know what you think of the new change to C:TLY!_

_Also, I will update my chapter progress on my profile page as often as I can so you have an idea where I'm at with them!_

_jukkou_


	12. Chapter 12: The First Step

_Arc Three: How She Began to Trust Him_

**Chapter 12: The First Step**

.

I wiped away the sweat that began to accumulate on my brow as I toiled away inside the small compartment-like space between the generators. The heavy snowfall from yesterday had shorted the power lines outside requiring the backup generators for the hospital to activate. Yoshino and I were tasked out today from our usual work to perform maintenance and check for any damages to the generators and power lines within the hospital's property.

The job was easier said than done. It wasn't that the generators required a great deal of work, but the cramped room had heated up to around thirty degrees Celsius causing our task to be even more laborious. Fortunately we were almost done after a few hours of hard work; all that was left was a final test run.

"Just finished up the final checks on this generator. I'm ready to go whenever you are Yoshino." I stood up and carefully slid my way out of the narrow workspace with my tools in hand. Yoshino was sitting up against the wall with his eyes closed and his tools already packed away in his box.

"You take forever, newbie." He opened one eye and smirked at me. "Alright, let's do the final test run. The boss said we could head home early after this. Apparently we're getting paid a lot of money for this job."

I walked over to the power box that operated the room controls. "So that's why you kept pushing lunch off. I thought you were just feeling masochistic today." Yoshino let out a few laughs as I flipped the switch to activate the generators. A soft humming noise began to emit from the machines followed by an ear-deafening whirring noise that echoed within the small confines of the room.

"Yep! Kill the power Tomoya! They're working fine!" shouted Yoshino over the generators.

I nodded at him and pulled the switch back to its original state and shut the cover of the power box. I glanced down at my watch to see that it was only 13:47. Kyou wouldn't be back from school until around six or seven tonight now that the new semester has started.

"Hey Tomoya, since we're heading out early and we haven't had time for lunch yet, how about eating a late meal with Kouko and I?" He lifted up his cellphone to show me the message she had left him. "See. She wants you to come over, too."

"Sure, Kyou doesn't get back from class until later on this evening anyways." I picked up my tools and reorganized them back into my toolkit as Yoshino tapped away at his phone to let his wife know I was coming over.

"Come to think of it, I don't think I have your number in here."  
Yoshino glared at me as if I was withholding important information from him.

"I, uh, don't have a cellphone. I figured that if I ever needed to call anyone I have my phone at home."

"What about emergencies when you're away from home?"

"Kyou has one."

"What if you need to contact her and you're not at home? Something could have happened to her and you would never know about it." Yoshino nodded his head in a matter-of-fact way. "You're behind in the times Tomoya."

"What are you? Some sort of salesman?" I zipped up my jacket and put my hood on before opening the door. We made our way through the light snowfall to the parking lot where the van was parked. The sweat on our clothes began to chill in the cold weather outside. "I guess I can do that after lunch since you're so persistent about it."

"Great, I'll go with you since I have some errands to run as well."

"Was this some sort of peer pressuring to get me to go with you?"  
I shot him a look of disdain that he purposely ignored.

"Yeah, sorta'. I still have to pick out a birthday gift for Kouko since it's coming up next week." He rubbed the back of his head with his free hand as he spoke. "I'm not too good with this kind of stuff."

"You should have said so in the first place." I shook my head at him as we loaded our tools into the back of the car. "I guess you have a point though. It would be good to be able to get in contact with Kyou at any time."

"Alright, so it's settled. You'll help me pick out a gift for Kouko and we can finally get you a cellphone."

I quietly laughed to myself as we got into the car. Even when I was in high school I usually didn't do this kind of thing. Things like going out and shopping with friends. Now here I am going gift shopping with a coworker and buying a cellphone. What am I getting myself into these days?

But, I have this feeling that if I don't try to do these kinds of things my relationship with Kyou will never improve. If I can't even establish closer relationships with friends that I already have, what hope do I have with her?

Yoshino pulled out of the parking space and turned on the radio as we drove off. As I watched the world speed by, I realized that I couldn't expect things to move as quickly I'd like it to. Life isn't a drive where you can just get from point A to B without much effort.

.  
.x.  
.

"_Tadaima,_" called out Yoshino as we passed through the front door and took our shoes off. I couldn't help but smile at Kouko's considerations whenever I visited their home. On the floor next to Yoshino's slippers were a personal pair that Kouko always put out for me when I came over. They weren't just any ordinary pair of slippers either; Kouko took the time to embroider my name in roman letters on them so that they would match their own. As I slipped them on, I thought about how it was nearly a year ago when Yoshino first invited me over after Nagisa passed away. Kouko became worried that I wasn't eating properly and for a few months I would eat dinner with them every night after work. These slippers were remnants of that dark past. They felt much more comfortable today than they ever had before.

"_Okaerinasai_," replied Kouko from what sounded like the kitchen. "I'm reheating the food on the stove if you'd like to sit down at the table already."

"Thank you for inviting me over for lunch Kouko." I took my seat at the empty table while Yoshino greeted his wife with a kiss before taking his. "It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Yusuke, you're so embarrassing," mumbled Kouko as she pushed away her husband. "It has been Tomoya-kun! I'm glad to see you're doing well. How is Fujibayashi-san?"

"Stressed out for the most part. This semester requires her to have a certain amount of hours of student teaching at a school in addition to her regular classes. She's been struggling trying to find a kindergarten that needs a student teacher."

"You know, I just may be able to help her out with that," replied Kouko as she placed the food on the table. "A good friend of mine was just saying the other day that she was offered a job at that school opening up in the new part of town. I could mention to her that Fujibayashi-san is looking for volunteer hours."

"Thank you Kouko! It would mean a lot to her if you did."

"Of course, it would be my pleasure. –– Yusuke, stop lazing around and help set the table."

Kouko glared at Yoshino completely ignoring her as he watched TV.

"Fine," groaned Yoshino as he made his way to the kitchen to retrieve the dishes and utensils. "I come home from work only to do more work."

"What was that Yusuke? I couldn't hear you."

"Er– nothing," he mumbled under his breath as he stacked the dishes from the cupboard.

"Thank you dear," cooed Kouko as Yoshino took his seat beside her. "You're the best."

I couldn't help but laugh at the little disputes that these two always got into. They were able to openly say things like that without having to worry about the other taking it the wrong way.

Kouko had prepared an alarmingly large meal for just the three of us. It was as if Kouko opened up a recipe book and just started picking out whatever she felt like cooking. The food ranged from western style sandwiches to tamagoyaki to shuumai. Yoshino and I looked at each other with a concerned look for how we were going to put away all this food.

"Ah, Kouko, I forgot to mention in my last message that Tomoya is finally going to get a cellphone. It's his first time so I'm going to go with him after lunch if that's fine." He winked at me as he started to dig into the food.

"Uh, yeah, I _asked_ Yoshino-san to come with me since we had time today. Sorry for not mentioning it earlier; the plans were made sort of _last minute_."

"Sure, I'm going to visit Fuko today before I meet with the girls. Make sure to save some of this for dinner Yusuke. I won't have time to cook tonight so I made a lot of food."

Yoshino nodded in compliance as he took a bite out of a sandwich.

"Anyway, how's Fuko been doing?"

"According to one of the nurses taking care of her, there may have been a possibility that Fuko mumbled something while she was changing her fluids. The doctors say that it could be an indication of her recovery."

Yoshino placed a hand on Kouko's and gave it a reaffirming squeeze. Kouko has spent the last few years as a housewife so that she could help take care of her sister. Somehow she was able to work her hardest every day without any reason other than to see Fuko wake up.

"That's wonderful news, Kouko."

We continued our meal pleasantly chatting about life and anything we found interesting. I couldn't remember the last time I was able to sit down at a table and just relax in the company of other people. It was comforting to be able to do things like this again.

.  
.x.  
.

Yoshino and I were aimlessly wandering around the mall as he decided on a gift for Kouko. This was actually the first time I've seen him in his regular clothes. I don't think he meant to do it, but the way he wore his clothing made him come across as if he was still a rock star. He wasn't wearing anything different from your average winter attire but something just felt different. I wouldn't have even noticed if it weren't for all the side glances passing women kept making at him. Come to think of it, Yoshino shouldn't be that much older than me.

"Hey Yoshino, how old are you?"

"What kind of question is that?" replied Yoshino with an offended look on his face. "Just so you know I'm only twenty-seven. I'm not that much older than you."

I laughed at how quickly he took offense to my question.  
"I was just wondering. You don't act like you're twenty-seven."

"And you don't act like a normal twenty year old," he retorted with a harmless sneer.

Those words stopped me in my tracks. I'm twenty years old. So much has happened in these past years that I completely forgot that I was still only twenty. I was barely twenty years old but I had developed horrible drinking habits shortly after becoming of age. And in that same year I was given the strength to overcome those vices. In the beginning of that year I had become widowed, but at the end of it I had found another lover. A sick, disgusted feeling developed in my stomach.

"Hey, are you feeling okay?" asked Yoshino, placing a hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah," I carefully removed his hand from my shoulder, "it just never occurred to me that I was twenty years old. Don't worry about it, I'm fine. Let's keep looking for Kouko's gift." I did my best to fake a genuine smile.

Yoshino jammed his hands back into his jacket pockets and continued walking. "If you say so."

I know that I shouldn't have blatantly lied, but I couldn't just tell him the truth. He would have told me the words that I didn't want to hear. That I'm just trying to make the best of this situation, or that I shouldn't keep blaming myself for what I couldn't control. But being told that doesn't make it any easier to stomach.

As much as I want to believe that things will sort themselves out if I give it enough time, doing that will only make things worse. Sanae knows that Kyou exists and that she's more than a friend. The way she held me was too intimate to think otherwise.

"Hey Tomoya."

How was I supposed to tell her the truth? It hadn't even been a year… And my daughter. Ushio is being cared for by her and here I am with another woman. How does telling her the truth make it any better than it is right now?

"Tomoya..."

And it's much more than that. What does this make Nagisa to me..?

"Tomoya!" exclaimed Yoshino interrupting my train of thought and bringing me back to reality.

I noticed that I had mindlessly followed Yoshino to another part of the mall as I got lost in thought. We were in front of the jewelry store where I had bought Kyou's hairpin for Christmas. Even though it feels like such a long time, it's only been a few weeks since that 'date'.

"Let me guess," sighed Yoshino as he shook his head in disbelief. "You didn't hear any of what I said for the past few minutes, correct?"

"Sorry, I was just thinking about some things."  
I averted my eyes away from his in embarrassment.

"I figured that was the case," laughed Yoshino shrugging off the entire incident. "I was thinking of getting matching jewelry for Kouko and Fuko. Something like a necklace or bracelet I guess. Do you think she would like that?"

"Definitely. A matching pendant or charm shouldn't be too hard to find." I tried to carry out the conversation casually. "This store might be a good start. I bought Kyou's hairpin for Christmas here."

"Sure, let's check it out," replied Yoshino as he walked through the entrance of the store.

"_Irasshaimase_!" called out a familiar salesman in a friendly voice as the bell sounded our entry. Despite his cheerful greeting, his attitude instantaneously changed when he recognized my face. I couldn't help but chuckle at his indifference as he quietly returned to reading his magazine.

Yoshino raised an eyebrow at me as if to ask, "What did you do to this guy?"  
I shrugged at him and continued to grin as we surveyed the jewelry in the glass displays.

We spent a good twenty minutes going back and forth on the same handful of necklaces and bracelets trying to decide which one would be best. Yoshino wouldn't settle for anything "mundane", as he put it. The jewelry had to be "symbolic of the bond shared between the sisters; pure and devoid of any imperfection; both delicate and unyielding," or something long-winded like that.

While Yoshino continued to decide between his two final choices, I looked around the store for something Kyou might like. I figured that for a relationship to properly grow, you should surprise the other person with a gift, right? Well, even if that's not entirely true, I still need to make it up to her for the other day when I ran off. That's right, I have a legitimate reason to buy her a gift; I'm not overdoing it at all.

As I wandered around the store convincing myself that my reasoning was perfectly acceptable, I eventually passed by a small glass display with numerous rows of tiny charms; above them were plain silver charm bracelets to which they could be attached.

"Hey Yoshino, what do you think of a charm bracelet?"

"She already has one," called back Yoshino as he scrutinized a necklace with a grimace.

"I meant as gift for Kyou. I was thinking that I could make it a tradition to get her a charm every once in a while."

"Sure, I don't see why it couldn't work."

I quickly glanced through the selection of charms on display. "Should I get her the bracelet and a charm? Or just the bracelet for now?"

"Ideally both, or else it's just a plain bracelet."

"Right," I sighed to myself. "I knew that."

Arranged in dozens of neat rows lay what possibly could have been over hundred individual charms. On top of sorting through each one of them, I have to decide on the most appropriate one for her first charm. This turned out to be complicated for what at first seemed like a simple sounding task. Thankfully each row was labeled with a category.

I looked through the 'love' section which was composed of mainly stylized hearts and variations of '_daisuki_'. As easy as it would be to get one of those, something told me that I should find something more thought out. If Kyou can see that I'm trying my best to make this all work, just maybe she can start believing that my feelings are honest.

There was one charm that caught my attention as I randomly glanced through the different sections. It was a simple snowflake nestled in the center of the 'winter' category. This winter was something that neither of us would ever forget. Despite how simple and plain it appeared to be, it felt like the perfect charm to start her collection.

"Have you decided on one?" Yoshino was casually leaning against the counter with Kouko's gift in hand. The store clerk carefully glared at him out of the corner of his eye, ensuring that he didn't damage the glass panels. Yoshino seemed completely aware of it and wryly smiled in confirmation.

"Yeah," I pressed my finger against the glass, "the snowflake over here in the fourth row."

"Eh?" grimaced Yoshino with a subtle smirk as he leaned in closer to get a better look. "Tomoya... has  
anyone ever told you that you are horrible at understanding women?"

"I'm serious Yoshino." I gave him a friendly shove sending the clerk into a momentary panic. "I think Kyou  
will understand why when I give it to her."

"If you put it that way, I guess I'll have to take your word for it," replied Yoshino with an honest smile. "Either way, if she doesn't like it I'm not the one to blame."

"Hah."

We eventually left the store satisfied with our purchase after flustering the clerk further. All of which was mostly unintentional.

"That was a great experience," laughed Yoshino as walked around the mall to our next destination. "I've never been treated that way before."

I hadn't realized it until now, but I wasn't annoyed by our adverse treatment like I normally would be.

"No way Yoshino," I jeered sarcastically. "I mistook you for someone who always got on people's bad side."

"Don't couple me with your masochistic lifestyle Tomoya, I know you get off on that stuff. Poor Kyou, I'm sure she had no idea you were like that."

"What are you trying to imply..?"

"She's the _'S'_in the relationship."

"We don't even do that kind of thing yet, so hah."

"Tomoya," sighed Yoshino, "that's not the kind of thing you should be proud of announcing publicly."

I felt my face heat up as I realized what I had just openly blurted out.

"So you're getting nowhere with Kyou, hmm?"

"I guess ––wait, how did you arrive to his conclusion?"

"Well, you are randomly buying her jewelry first of all. That and you just openly announced the state of your romantic progression," explained Yoshino. "Have you even gotten to second base?"

"I'm not answering that question," I admitted regretfully. "You're like thirty-two anyways. You're not qualified to give me tips."

"Hah, it seems that you've forgotten that at one point I was a rock star. What do you think my demographic of listeners was composed of? Prepubescent boys?"

I shot him a scowl in response knowing that he was probably overqualified for this kind of thing.

"First of all, don't think of your relationship with Kyou making it to home base."

"I don't."

"Good. I know you don't, but I just wanted to make that clear. She's the object of your affection but don't ever treat her as just an object. You already did that to her with your feelings towards Nagisa."

The truth of his words stung. As usual.

"Now that you're past that you need to prove to her that you love her, right?"

"So, _sensei_, what do you propose I do?"

...

"Wait. You wanted me to actually give you an answer?"

I nearly tripped in defeat. "Wasn't that what all the build up was for?"

"I was just trying to understand your situation better. You act like I wrote a song for every type of relationship problem out there." Yoshino shook his head and laughed. "You're a special case Tomoya. This is something you'll have to figure out for yourself."

"Thank you for your words of wisdom, Yoshino-sensei..."

"Hey, this is the place," announced Yoshino completely disregarding my moping. "Time to put an end to your anachronistic ways."

"My anachro_-what_?"

"Don't worry about it. Just know that you will no longer be left behind by society." Yoshino put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into the cellphone store. "Technologically, at least."

.  
.x.  
.

"What does infrared mean?" I was sitting in my apartment trying to read the instruction manual on how to exchange information with other cellphones. According to Yoshino, everything was supposed to be straight forward and easy to understand. "And what the hell is an e-mail address?" *

Today I've realized that technology hates me.

I closed my eyes and laid my head down on the table defeated by a hunk of plastic. The familiar clicking of a key turning a lock sounded throughout the room followed by a gust of wind and cold air rushing into the room.

"_Tadaima_," called out Kyou in an exhausted voice.

"_Okaeri_." I hadn't moved from my original position; I was still grieving over my failed efforts. "What happened? You sound pretty tired."

Kyou groaned and kicked her shoes off before lying down next to me. "They denied my application at the kindergarten nearby here. I'm volunteering! How can you not have room for volunteers?!"

"Well," I poked her cheek as she continued to pout, "I'm sure there are other schools that would be glad to take you, right?"

Kyou turned over and whimpered at my remark. "I've already applied to every school in this area already."

"What about the school nearby your old apartment? The one that just started this year?"

"I applied last year as a volunteer when they were hiring. They told me it was too early for them to even consider looking for student teachers when they didn't have enough regular teachers to begin with."

I had almost forgotten about my conversation with Kouko over lunch.

"You know, I spoke to Kouko today about it and she mentioned that her friend who works there was complaining that they were understaffed. They're seeing each other today and she told me that she would mention that you need volunteer hours."

"Really?" Kyou turned back around and looked up at me teary eyed. "She would do that for me?"

"Yeah, she was the one who suggested it in the first place over lunch."

Kyou immediately sat up and tackled me with a hug. "Thank you so much! You're a lifesaver!"

"What are you talking about?" I brushed her bangs away from her face. "I didn't do anything. You should be thanking Kouko."

"Don't be so modest Tomoya," said Kyou as she placed her hand on mine. "Actually, I take that back. That's one of my favorite things about you."

"That I'm modest? Are you sure you're not confusing me with another person?"

Kyou laughed. "Of course not! And that's exactly what I mean by you being modest!"

"Let me make you some tea Kyou, I think you're delusional from the cold weather."  
I stood up and walked over to the kitchen to boil some water in a kettle.

"You're in denial Tomoya," called Kyou from the other room in a jeering manner.

"It's more so a lack of ability than it is modesty," I coolly replied as I turned on the burner for the stove. If I was really that great of a person things should have turned out differently for me. "You just think too kindly of me Kyou."

Kyou embraced me tightly from behind. "Why do you say that?"

"If I was a better person I wouldn't have dragged you into all of this. I barely have my own life sorted out but I can't help but still want you to be in it. I love you but I'm uncertain because thoughts of Nagisa linger in the back of my mind. I have a daughter and a family I wrongly left behind that I need to mend. And most importantly, I want us to develop a healthy relationship... but I'm too scared to tell you how I honestly feel."

Is what I wanted to tell her, but the words wouldn't escape my mouth.

"No reason," I finally replied with a sigh.

"Li—" began Kyou but quickly was interrupted by the sound of a phone ringing. She clicked her tongue before she let go of me to answer. "Huh? Tomoya, I swear I heard my phone ring but there aren't any missed calls."

I completely forgot to mention to her that I got a cellphone. That and that I still haven't figured out how to use it.

"I sort of bought a phone today." Kyou shot me a look of bewilderment. "It wasn't my idea! Yoshino kept insisting that I buy one when all he really wanted was for me to tag along to go gift shopping."

"Oh, is that it over there on the table next to the plastic bag?"

Crap! I forgot to hide her gift! "Yeah... let me go check who called."

"I can get it for you since I'm already here," said Kyou as she reached over for the phone. "Oh did you get a phone charm for it too? I can show you how to put it on! It's in this bag right?"

"Wait! Don't touch it!" I scrambled from the kitchen and snatched the bag before she could see what's inside. "I, uh, didn't buy any accessories for it. Honest."

"Eh?" Kyou glared at me with a raised eyebrow. "What are you hiding in that bag Tomoya?"

"Nothing! It's just an empty bag..."

"An empty bag, huh?" Kyou continued to glare as she slowly walked toward me. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah," I laughed uncomfortably fearing what she was going to do next. "Why would I hide something from you in plain sight?"

I felt my back touch the wall as I tried to keep a safe distance from her. "Kyou, why do you have that look on your face? It's sort of scaring me."

"This is your last chance to hand it over Tomoya. I know you're hiding something from me."

"I'm serious. I'm not hiding any—"

Kyou suddenly pounced on me and wrestled me to the ground to fight for the bag. In the end she found herself sitting on top of me as I laid there defeated. "You have no regard for womanly etiquette," I managed to say between breaths.

"Hah, all that matters is that I won," taunted Kyou as she pulled the gift out of the bag. "You obviously were up to no good if you're trying to hide something from me."

Kyou's expression completely changed the moment she opened the box. "A snowflake? Huh?"

"It was supposed to be a surprise over dinner until you went off and assaulted me for it."

"I-idiot! You should have fought harder!" Her face had become completely red. "Why..? It's not my birthday or anything."

"I wanted to apologize for what happened yesterday." I could feel my face heat up as I tried to explain the situation. "A-anyway! Why do I have to have a reason to do something nice for you?!"

"Are you sure you don't have any _other intentions_ for giving me jewelry?" Kyou slowly brought her face towards mine as she continued to pin me down. I could feel my cheeks burn and sweat bead on my forehead. I couldn't tell if Kyou was serious or taking this joke too far.

We were suddenly at that twilight moment again. That brief moment of time where we gaze into each other's eyes before the inevitable was to happen. That brief moment where her fragrance sent exhilarating shivers throughout my body as we exchanged breaths. That brief moment of lust and longing where all that fills my mind are thoughts of her.

We both closed our eyes and continued past that twilight. The taste of her overwhelmed my senses letting desire take over; our hands only drove those passions further.

"It's too hot," whispered Kyou as she removed her shirt, sending my heart racing even faster.

"Kyou..." I gently stopped her as she began to remove mine. An uneasy feeling began to develop in my stomach. I wasn't sure if she was doing this only because I wanted to. "Aren't we moving a little too fast?"

"Do you not want to?" Her expression became sullen.

"No, that's not what I meant at all."

"You can close your eyes and pretend I'm her if it helps..."

"What? Kyou what are you saying?"

"You don't want to do this because I'm not her, right?"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Is that what's been going on in your head this whole time?"

The entirety of it all hit me like a punch to the face. It was all my fault. She finally told me how she felt yesterday when we fought but I completely ignored it.

"It's okay... I've already accepted it."

"Yesterday when you said that you were used to being Nagisa for me, you weren't lying were you?"

"Please stop Tomoya... it's okay. Really." Tears began to form in her eyes. She had meant to hide that feeling away from me this entire time.

"No, it's not okay! You have no idea how important you are to me, do you?" I sat up and put my arms around her. "If it weren't for you I would have wasted the rest of my life. I fell in love with you not because I wanted to replace Nagisa, but because you gave me a reason to keep on living! Knowing that when I came home somebody was there for me made me so happy.

"It made me so happy that I was scared. I don't deserve to be this happy while everyone else is still mourning over her death. I'm scared that one day you'll realize that I'm not worth the trouble and I'll be alone again."

I felt so vulnerable openly letting out my honest feelings. But in a way I felt relieved that I finally told her.

"Is that how you truly feel Tomoya?"

"Yeah."

"Well then, forget what I said about closing your eyes." Kyou suddenly pushed me back onto the ground and continued to undress me. "I want you to remember our first time."

I felt my entire face heat up. "Can't you say it a little more delicately!"

"Stop acting like this is your first time Tomoya. You should be taking advantage of my emotional state right now."

"Wa-wait, a phone is ringing! It might be something important!"

Kyou stopped and glanced to where the ringing came from. "It can wait until after."

.  
.x.  
.

"I'm glad you told me that Tomoya." Kyou was lying down next to me with her head resting on my arm. "When you told me that you loved me differently, I thought you meant that you couldn't see us being together like how you were with Nagisa. I was just so happy that you acknowledged my feelings that I didn't care anymore if I was just going to be her replacement."

With the way I had phrased my confession it was obvious that she would misunderstand in the first place. "Sorry for putting you through all of this. I should have been more open about how I felt."

"If people were able to easily express their feelings there wouldn't be so many broken hearts in this world." Kyou placed a quick kiss on my cheek. "I should have told you how I felt to begin with too. I was scared that if I told you how I honestly felt you would leave me. I'd rather you have loved me as Nagisa's surrogate than not love me at all."

"The only way I'd leave you is if you tell me to go away. In the end I'd probably just end up coming back to stalk you."

"I didn't know you were that kind of pervert Tomoya," jeered Kyou. "I'll make sure to take note as a future precaution."

"Says the person who practically forced herself on me. I'm pretty sure this counts as rape in some countries."

"I-it's not my fault that you're too scared to do anything! I'm still surprised you were able to get Nagisa pregnant with how timid you are!"

"I—" pretty much lost this fight in the first round. "Whatever! Sorry for disappointing you our first time."

"I never said it was disappointing..." Kyou turned away from me in embarrassment. "I'm happy my first time was with you."

I felt my face drastically heat up again. "So, uh, do you like the charm bracelet?"

"Yeah," smiled Kyou, "I love it."

"I picked the snowflake for the first charm because I thought that this winter was the start of something that we'll never forget." I started speaking too fast and my words became flustered. "Yoshino told me that I was weird for getting this instead of a more romantic one. I'm not really good at this stuff but I wanted to try and get you something more thought out. I can always return it if you don't like it! Sorry if I don't make any sense."

Kyou just stared at me with a crooked smile as I tried to explain the meaning behind my gift. Then she started laughing at me. So much that she needed to stop so she could breathe.

"Sorry Tomoya," she made out between breaths, "I was trying not to laugh but I couldn't help it anymore. Are you feeling okay? You're practically a completely different person today."

"Fine Kyou!" I pulled back my arm from under her and turned around in shame. "I was just trying to be romantic for once so that you would believe that I do care about you. I tried my best today but in the end I just made a fool of myself in front of you. Don't worry, I've learned my lesson."

Kyou embraced me from behind whispering, "thank you," into my ear. I was never so aware of how naked we were until she pressed her body against mine. We had both finally told each other how we honestly felt and made love for the first time. We were in our most vulnerable state but I never felt so at ease as I did right now.

"Can you hold me Tomoya? It's a little cold."

"Yeah," I turned around and pulled her into my arms. "Well, we did sort of do this in the spur of the moment."

We both laughed at the fact that we were laying down naked on the bare floor of our apartment in the middle of winter.

"You know, I'm so happy right now I don't know how to react." Kyou nuzzled her face against my chest. "I'm sorry for laughing at you."

I ruffled her hair with my hand and squeezed her against me. "Don't worry about it."

"Can you still do things like this for me?"

"Definitely."

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes:  
"Irasshaimase" - A typical greeting when a customer enters a store.  
"Tadaima, Okaerinasai" - Phrases used when one comes home and when greeting someone who has come home, respectively.  
"Daisuki" - I love you.  
"S" - Yoshino is referring to an erotic fetish known as sadomasochism, often shortened to S&M.  
*E-mail address - Japan sends their 'texts' through an e-mail system rather than phone numbers.  
_

_A/N:  
Sorry for the wait! Chapter 12 marks the beginning of Arc Three as you may have noticed._

After the heaviness of last chapter, I felt that this was a much needed romantic/comedic break for readers in which our couple develops their relationship. For those of you who were hoping for a more erotic scene between the two, please join the petition started by my best friend. She's been wanting me to write a smutty scene for a very long time. I'll leave the rest to your imagination.  


_*Update* Chapter 13 will be released on 02/14/2013 as a Valentine's Day gift to you all!_

_As usual I hope you enjoyed reading the latest chapter!_

_jukkou_


	13. Chapter 13: An Uncomfortable Truth

**Chapter 13: The Uncomfortable Truth**

**.**

"Wha—wait," I interjected, interrupting Kyou's explanation on how to share contact information and e-mails through phone. We were just about to get dinner when I mentioned to her that I still hadn't figured out how to use my phone. She insisted that we do that before we ate since it wouldn't take long at all. That was almost an hour ago. "You're speaking too fast. Can you start over again?"

"What do you mean start over!?" complained Kyou frustrated over my lack of comprehension. "We're so close to being done with this! How can you not understand it after the second time?!"

"Dunno'," I mused hoping to irritate her further. One thing I've learned living with Kyou was that her patience wore thin as she became hungry.

"..."

I waved my hand up and down to say, "whenever you're ready." She let out a long sigh in hopes of eliciting some sort of pity from me. I gave her no such luxury.

"Alright, from the beginning again... So your phone can contact people in two ways: calling and e-mail. E-mailing on a phone works exactly the same way it does on a computer. Since you have to share both your number and e-mail when you exchange contact info, it's easier to use infrared between phones so you don't have to manually type in everything."

"Why couldn't you say it that way in the first place?"

"Little children know how to do this stuff!" she fumed, flicking my forehead. "You'd think that a grown adult would be able to figure it out faster!"

"I'm worried about your future students Kyou. You tend to get violent when you're frustrated." I instinctively dived on the ground to dodge her inevitable counterattack. She had pulled Totoro out of nowhere and chucked him at me at a speed that would put modern jets to shame.

"The poor thing never deserved that fate," I said shaking my head in mourning. "I'll light incense for him later."

"You're so_—grr..!"_

Kyou's eyes met mine and we couldn't help but laugh at each other. The sight of her throwing a stuffed toy at me would have made anyone.

"Oh yeah," interjected Kyou casually as we regained our composure. "The call earlier was from my mom. Talk about awkward timing, huh?"

"Ah, did she leave a message?"

"She wants to have dinner this Saturday to apologize for Christmas."

"Oh." I sat back unsure how I should react to the news. She had brought up the subject so plainly that I couldn't tell how she felt about it. Oddly, I half-expected her to make some sort of sexual advance to change the subject –as she usually did when things became uncomfortable– but she didn't. "Will you go?" I asked with certain cautiousness in my voice worried that I would do more harm than good.

"I don't know. If it was just my mom I'd be fine with it, but my dad's obviously going to be there."

If her parents wanted to apologize I couldn't see what the issue was. Surely there must be something else keeping her from making a decision so easily.

"What exactly happened between you two?" I immediately realized that I should have chosen my words more carefully. Her change of expression only confirmed those suspicions.

"It's... complicated."

An awkward silence fell between us. I wanted to apologize for being so rash but I couldn't find it in myself to say it. Sorry just didn't seem to suffice in this situation.

We stayed this way for a few minutes, shifting our gazes away from each other unsure of what to do. The tension only went up with each passing moment, making it even harder to make amends the longer we waited. I opened my mouth to apologize but hesitated at the last moment in fear of her reaction. I was scared of having the kind of fight that we couldn't just laugh off shortly after.

"I don't know about you but I'm starving." Kyou stood up and extended her arms out to stretch, alleviating some of the awkwardness between us. I breathed a sigh of relief knowing that we were able to prolong the issue. I was just glad things didn't take a turn for the worst. "What should we eat for dinner?"

"How does the convenience store sound?"

"That sounds good. We haven't gotten food from there in a while." Kyou pulled me up onto my feet and led me to the door. "Hmm.. I don't know if I want _yakisoba _bread or _karaage. _If I get both will you share with me?"

"Sure, I don't mind." I was a few steps behind Kyou who was already proceeding to open the door just as I began slipping on my shoes. "We can get pudding or ice cream too if you'd like."

"Wow, you're usually so stingy about that. I guess a little sex goes a long way," she taunted with a devilish wink.

"What are you saying!? The neighbors might have heard you!"

"I'm sure if the neighbors heard us it was quite a while ago." She made her way down the staircase of the apartment complex grinning all the while. "I think I'll start taking advantage of this."

Her casualness nearly tripped me down the flight of stairs. I caught up to her and gave her a friendly shove. At least this was a better alternative to fighting.

During our walk I noticed that our hands would occasionally brush against each other. The thought of holding her hand had crossed my mind a few times in the past, but I was always too shy to try it. Kyou seemed unconcerned that our hands sometimes touched; at least it seemed that way every time I glanced at her. She just continued to talk about how her day went as if nothing happened. I crammed my hands into my pockets to avoid thinking about it any further.

We entered the convenience store and picked out tonight's dinner together. Kyou grabbed the _yakisoba_ bread and_ karaage_ as she originally planned along with an assortment of desserts and pudding. As usual I didn't grab anything since she always bought too much snacks and complained that if I didn't help her eat it all she'd get fat.

"Oh yeah," began Kyou as we were heading back home, "I forgot to tell you that I get off school early tomorrow. My final class ends around four since my afternoon class got canceled at the last minute."

"Ah, I should be done with work by then." We had just finished one of our larger contracts this week so we've had the luxury of leaving earlier than usual. That also being the reason why Yoshino and I were able to go around the mall earlier today.

"You know, I just remembered that I don't have anything to wear for my interview. If I don't look professional I'll lose my chances of getting the position." She nodded her head in confirmation. "We should also eat out tomorrow since we're both off early for once. You know, change things up a bit."

I was getting this nagging feeling that she was trying to ask me out on a date. Kyou's inability to express her romantic feelings through words was something that I rarely got to experience. This was divine providence giving me a thumbs up to exact revenge for earlier.

"Actually Kyou, I _completely _forgot about plans I made today. My coworkers invited me to some celebration we're having tomorrow."

"Oh, I see... forget I asked," she replied in a disheartened voice.

"I could always tell them I have a date if that's what you're trying to ask." My deliberate emphasis on the word date rubbed Kyou just the right way to frustrate her as she realized what my intentions were.

"What are you talking about? I was just suggesting that we eat out since we both are off early."

"I apologize, I mistook it as a proposal for a date."

"Of course you were mistaken! I was just trying to be polite," retorted Kyou haughtily, realizing moments later that she had set fire to her own plans. I ruffled her hair with my free hand and laughed which only furthered her pouting.

"So four o' clock in front of your school tomorrow?"

"Yes please..."

.  
.x.  
.

I was standing outside of Hikarizaka University – whose name was misleading since most expected a school of large physical stature – waiting for Kyou to begin our first official date. We both had been so busy recently with work and school that we could barely afford the time to do anything else but eat dinner together. Even when I wasn't working on the weekend I would end up just watching TV or reading next to Kyou as she did homework most of the day.

It's a bit embarrassing to admit, but I had spent all day anxiously waiting for four o clock to come around. Yoshino had even sent me home early when he found out my plans, insisting that I put some effort into what I wore today. After a lengthy process of standing in front of a mirror only to chip away at my pride with each failed attempt, I had finally put together something decent looking.

I repeatedly glanced down at my watch to check the time. It was already four twenty-seven; Kyou said that she would be out by four fifteen at the latest. Out of the corner of my eye I could see students glancing at me wondering why I was standing here so long. The women were even starting to glare at me as if I was some sort of stalker. It was getting harder to shrug off their accusations.

I pulled out my phone to make it obvious that I was waiting for someone. Kyou still hadn't messaged me why she was running late. I attempted to casually play off that I was reading something on my phone as an excuse to walk through the school gates. At least if I waited inside I would look like a student instead of a stalker.

"Hey you! What are you doing?!"

I froze mid-step and nearly had a panic attack.

I instinctively apologized and tried to explain my actions, which ended up just sounding like a whole lot of gibberish from how fast I was speaking. I spun around only to see Kyou covering her mouth with both hands trying to not fall over laughing.

"I'm going home."

"Wait!" said Kyou still holding in her laughter. "Don't go home! It was just a joke!"

"You almost gave me a heart attack!" Kyou was pulling on my arm to stop me from leaving. "I was standing here for over half an hour getting all sorts of looks. Women were staring at me like I was some sort of stalker!"

"I know they were. I was hiding nearby to see what you would do."

I stopped and glared at her which only made her start tearing up. It was official: this woman isn't capable of feeling any remorse. I broke free of her grip and started walking home with her following me still laughing.

"I'm sorry for embarrassing you so much," giggled Kyou as she hugged my arm.

Her apology didn't make me feel better at all. My pride was hurt too badly to recover so easily no matter how sweet she may sound. "You don't sound like you're sorry..."

"I couldn't help it! You were just standing there so awkwardly! And I had to get you back for yesterday!"

"Of course I felt awkward! I tried to wear something nice on our first date together..." I felt even more ashamed for admitting that much to her.

"I'm happy you tried... you look handsome today."

"Hm? Did you say something?" I asked taking advantage of her opening.

"Nothing!" replied Kyou, heated over my response. "I said let's go to the shopping district already!"

"Sure, sure," I chuckled.

As we walked towards the shopping center, our hands occasionally brushed against each other again. Kyou didn't seem to pay any mind to it as her attention seemed to be drawn elsewhere entirely. Her indifference was maddening to say the least while I, on the other hand, was so painfully conscious of it.

After finally building up the courage to hold her hand –– telling myself that things will never happen if I don't take the initiative and so on –– my attempts in the end were futilely denied by a distracted Kyou withdrawing her hand at random. These occasions were so well timed that I was beginning to think that some greater being was trying to spite my efforts by strategically placing adorable animals and strange objects along our path to draw her attention.

Summoning whatever courage was left in me, I grabbed Kyou's hand in a last-ditch effort causing her to make this awkward squeaking sound. Her face flushed to a deep crimson as she realized what had happened.

"What was that supposed to be?" I asked between my fits of laughter.

"I didn't think you would hold my hand..." She hid her face behind a red scarf carefully wrapped around her nape.

I was suddenly made aware just how beautiful she looked this afternoon. If it weren't for my inability to flirt with her I would have said so aloud. Instead I turned my gaze away in shyness.

"We don't have to.. if it bothers you or something..."

"It's nice," she replied with a gentle smile, interlocking her fingers with mine.

After a few minutes, walking hand in hand with her began to feel natural. I couldn't help but remember that same awkwardness with Nagisa slowly fading away over time. There was something different when I held hands with her though. I held onto Nagisa's hand always in fear that she'd let go of mine. With Kyou's hand in mine I felt a sense of security and protection. I laughed when I realized how ironic that sounded.

"Hm? What's so funny?" asked Kyou, gingerly tugging onto my arm to be let in on the joke.

"Just an old memory," I replied shrugging off her inquiry. "It's one of those things you had to be there for."

I figured it would be best not to mention Nagisa around her. Even though she had told me that she finally feels relieved, I had the feeling she wasn't completely comfortable yet. It wasn't as if my feelings for Nagisa had just disappeared overnight; she and I both knew that well.

"Tomoya!" said Kyou in an excited voice, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Can we please buy some?" She was pointing at a _mochi _bakery across the street named _Tama-yo_, according to the sign hung above its entrance. In contrast to the modern architecture of the stores that surrounded it, this bakery maintained an elegant Edo era appearance. It was the epitome of an iconic mochi shop.

Kyou disregarded the fact that I had yet to answer her question and proceeded to pull me into the store with her, glancing back at me every so often with a radiant smile. I would be lying if I said that smile didn't make my heart skip a beat.

A bell chime signaled our entry into the store which was immediately followed by a friendly, "_Irrashaimase_!" The voice was soon paired with its owner as she stepped through the cloth divider that separated the kitchen and the store. She was an elderly woman dressed in a flour-covered apron. There was no doubt that she fit in perfectly with the atmosphere of the bakery. "Welcome to Tama-yo!"

"Thank you," greeted both Kyou and I in unison.

"Would you like to try some freshly made _daifuku_ _mochi_?"

Kyou's face lit up instantly. "Yes please!"

She was tugging on my arm in excitement as the woman returned to the kitchen. I could only smile back whenever she acted like this. As we waited we browsed through the displays of mochi around the store. Kyou picked up a tray and started placing different assortments of mochi on it.

The set up of the store reminded me of Furukawa Bread. Along with the traditional pastries were specials that the store had made that morning. I couldn't help but laugh as I remembered Sanae's "creations" that she earnestly baked every morning.

It sort of hurt remembering those days knowing that I could never return to them. It was only a few days ago when it all happened. I still haven't explained myself to Sanae either. Even if I did she would never forgive me.

"Please get some while they're still hot!" called the store owner with a tray of mochi in her hands. "These ones have red bean paste in them."

"Thank you!" exclaimed Kyou nearly forgetting about her tray as she accepted the woman's kind offer. She took one and placed it whole in her mouth, getting the powder on her face. "Ich sho good," complimented Kyou with her mouth full still trying to chew on everything.

"Mind your manners Kyou," I sighed wiping away the powder with my thumb, "you always forget your womanly etiquette."

"Oh my," gasped the shop owner as I unwittingly licked the powder off. It took me a few good seconds to realize what I just did.

"I-it's not like that! I'm wearing black so I couldn't just wipe it on my coat! I had no other option!"

"No other option, huh?" she giggled, waving a napkin in front of me. "You're bold taking advantage of an indirect kiss like that publicly."

I hung my head in defeat as she and Kyou – who was still trying to swallow the mochi – continued to laugh at my dismay.

"Would you like to try one still?"

"Yes please," I replied reluctantly taking one off the tray she held in front of me. My pride was hurt but at least the mochi was delicious. Actually, this probably is the best one I've had in my life. Kyou fervently nodded at me with a smile as if she read my mind.

"I almost forgot," said the shop owner as she rang up our selection at the cash register, "we're having a Valentine's Day specialty starting next week! Remember to come back for some of our chocolate flavored heart-shaped mochi!"

"We'll be sure to stop by again to try them," I replied with a smile as she handed me the change.

"Oh!" exclaimed the woman gesturing for Kyou to come closer so that she could whisper in her ear. I had no idea what was said, but it was enough to make Kyou's face turn bright red. The shop owner giggled and winked at her, sending Kyou rushing out of the store in embarrassment.

"Thank you very much." I grabbed the bag of mochi and gave the shop owner a quick bow. "I need to find her before she runs off too far."

"You should treasure that girl," she said, returning the gesture as I made my way to the door. "Don't let her get away."

"I won't."

.  
.x.  
.

"So Kouko was able to get in touch with her friend about the school?" I asked Kyou who was trying on different clothes inside of a changing room. She insisted that we take care of her formal attire first before we went around for our date.

We were at a department store that had just opened in the shopping district last year. I remembered that my company was contracted to help set up the electrical infrastructure of the building; I had no idea we were building a store until now.

"She hasn't said yet. I figured that I would need something to wear for when I do get an interview. It might not be from that school, but I'll eventually get one." Kyou pulled back the curtains revealing the outfit she was trying on. "How does it look?"

She was wearing a black mini skirt with thigh-high stockings along with a loosely worn blouse. Needless to say, I covered my face with a hand to hide how red I had turned. "Please wear something more appropriate!" I urged in a hushed tone. Kyou was an athlete all her life and that outfit definitely did her justice.

There was something about the curvature of her hips and legs that were completely in my strike zone. Not that I could ever admit that much to her.

"That's not what your eyes are telling me to do," mused Kyou, flaunting her body ostentatiously.

"Just change before somebody sees you dressed that way..!"

"Fine, fine," laughed Kyou as she closed the curtain. "I didn't know you had eyes for me like that."

I took a few deep breaths trying to retain my composure. It's not like I can help but look at her that way if she constantly barrages me with erogenous advances. I'm only a man.

I loosened up my tie to cool off. It's the middle of winter but this store is way too hot.

"Don't tell me that you're actually getting turned on Tomoya," giggled Kyou as she peered at me through a break in the curtains. She pulled them back to reveal her next outfit which, despite being less teasing, was as equally attractive. It was a cream-colored one piece dress that stopped about mid-thigh, tapered at the waist by a simple belt. "If seeing me in a mini skirt has you loosening your tie, I wonder what modeling lingerie would have you take off next? There's a store for it next door, you know."

"I don't even know how to respond anymore," I replied shaking my head.

Kyou smiled and preformed a quick spin so that I could get a better look. "So, what do you think?"

"You look amazing," I admitted; sadly that was about the best I could do. "Let's get it."

The dress was a bit costly, but it was worthwhile to be able to see her wear it. She kept apologizing for not checking the price tag before she tried it on even though I really didn't mind.

My hand naturally found its way to into hers as we walked through the mall deciding where we should go next. "We should go to the arcade! It's been a while since we've done something like that," said Kyou with a youthful exuberance in her voice. The bright neon signs of the entryway were shining the next store over.

"As long as we don't play Street Fighter again. I don't think my pride can handle losing that bad twice."

"I won't make any promises," laughed Kyou pulling me excitedly into the arcade. "We have to start with this one again!" She gestured at the Pokémon hammer game we had played the first time we were here.

"You know," she continued as she placed tokens into the machine, "if it wasn't for this game I don't know if I would have ever felt comfortable being myself around you."

The game immediately lit up, echoing that familiar phrase we had known since we were children, _Pokémon Getto Daze_! Kyou picked up her mallet, quickly grinning at me before the game started. Suddenly the original theme song began followed by various Pokémon popping out of their respective holes. "I was really embarrassed when you dragged me here that day," said Kyou as we swung our mallets at the unsuspecting Pokémon. "I didn't think you'd be attracted to me if I took these games seriously."

"What makes you say that?"

"Guys aren't usually attracted to tomboys. I had to try really hard to appear feminine in high school, especially around you. And it didn't help that day you told everyone I was bi."

I had to stop myself from laughing. I forgot about that whole ordeal when she almost got caught bringing her bike to school and things got out of hand. "Well, I guess that makes me an unusual guy. I had always found you attractive in high school. I honestly just thought you disliked me and Sunohara." I thought back to those days; the amount of times she had thrown books and other various objects at us – including herself at one point – were too high to count.

"So what did you find attractive about me?"

"I don't know, you just were."

Kyou completely stopped playing and glared at me as if the answer I had given her was the reason why people starve in the world. "Worst possible answer ever Tomoya!"

"What?! How do you expect me to answer that question so suddenly!?"

"You could have at least said something generic!"

"Okay, okay!" I put down my mallet realizing that the game had already ended. "You were, uh, always taking charge of situations and had this strong personality. I guess I was attracted to how you seemed to be so confident."

"Are you an _M_?" asked Kyou, raising her eyebrow with a twisted expression on her face.

"I'm done."

"I was kidding! I just never thought of myself as a confident person... So, did you think I was pretty?"

"Of course," I replied with a smile, which she returned. Kyou appeared to be genuinely pleased with my answer judging by the abashed look on her face. It's rare expressions like that which made my heart melt.

"Come on," she said, pulling me along with her, "I know what we should play next."

Kyou led me to the back of the arcade where the larger machines were set up. We passed by various games ranging from shooters to sports games, eventually arriving at the section she seemed to be most concerned with: racing games. We stood in front of what I considered to be the most iconic of them all, Initial D.

If there was one game that I was confident I could beat her in, it was this one. I had spent countless hours and yen in my youth racing against fellow gamers at my local arcade. Despite not having played the game in years, I could already imagine the feeling of sitting in the driver's seat, shifting gears and drifting around _hair pins_.

"You're on Kyou."

We took our seats next to each other and began to select our vehicles for a versus match. Naturally, I picked a Subaru Impreza as my car of choice for this race; in midnight blue, of course. Kyou had selected a cherry red Lancer Evolution which actually fit her well although I'm sure she picked it purely out of aesthetics. Judging by the specifications on each vehicle, her car had more power than mine but poorer handling.

To make things fair, we picked the most complicated course available: _Mount __Tsukuba_. Along with various hairpins and other tight turns, the already narrow road consisted of an uphill and downhill portion. I wasn't familiar with the course at all, but based off the description and map provided I was confident that I would be fine.

I looked over at Kyou who seemed to be incredibly relaxed about the whole thing. I sort of felt embarrassed for taking it so seriously, but this was one of the few opportunities that I'd get to really rub it in if I won. There was no way in hell that I'd pass this chance up.

I relaxed my grip on the gear stick and readied my foot on the gas pedal as the countdown began. I had already formulated a strategy for overtaking Kyou in the first curve to the right. I was at a disadvantage starting on the left side of the road, but I could immediately cut into her lane if I accelerated fast enough.

"GO!"

I floored the pedal shifting into second gear seamlessly to overtake her before the right turn. Kyou had apparently anticipated my plan and gave it her all to prevent me from getting any leeway. I realized I had underestimated Kyou when she purposely slowed down in front of me during the turn so that I wouldn't be able to accelerate fast enough to overtake her in the hairpin that quickly followed.

As we approached the hairpin coming out of the turn, Kyou had accidentally given me enough room to accelerate beside her to drift into the hairpin. It was risky, but judging by the map I didn't have many opportunities to get passed her. I floored the pedal again and immediately let go of the gas, turning simultaneously to drift across the outer part of the turn. Kyou had taken the inner part of the lane ending with us side by side as we came out.

We continued for a good part of the map side by side, barely pulling ahead of each other whenever we had the turn advantage. We were already approaching the second of three checkpoints and neither of us was letting up.

I realized it would all lead up to this final hairpin which I had the advantage in. It was an immediate right turn following a sharp curve to the left. If I didn't lose out to her in that curve, I would be able to pull just far enough ahead to hold out in the last section of the race.

We approached the curve side by side with our cars nearly grazing each other from how close they were. I hooked my vehicle out in order to give myself some room, sharply turning my steering wheel back to the inside of the lane to initiate a drift. Kyou was purposely pulling a wide turn in order to force me out further so that she could take the advantage. At the end of the turn our vehicles touched, causing us to lose traction momentarily. I recovered fast enough, shifting up into a higher gear so that I could take the approaching hair pin with as much speed as possible. I had a good chance of spinning out, but it was my only shot. Kyou had just enough more power to pull out in the end if we stayed this way. However, my car had the advantage of better turn handling.

I hit the hairpin at about 60kph, pulling as far into the inner part of the lane as possible before starting my turn. I let go of the gas pedal at the last second, sharply turning to initiate a drift. I was barely maintaining enough traction to not fly off the road completely. I could see Kyou's Lancer just beginning its turn as I ended mine.

With some stroke of luck I was able to pull ahead of her by a few seconds. I just had to hold this lead for the final curve and straightway.

Kyou managed to catch up in that final curve with raw horsepower; she was only half a car behind me at this point. We both gunned it for the finish line straight ahead of us. She was slowly catching up in the final stretch with how powerful her engine was. I just had to hold out for another a second or so. I shut my eyes and prayed for the best.

The words "First Place!" flashed across my screen as we both crossed the finish line. I jumped out of my seat and cheered, completely forgetting that I was in public. As I regained my composure, I looked down at the time difference between us which was roughly a third of a second. If the finish line was just another fifteen meters further I would have lost. Not that it mattered anymore … since I won!

"Hah! I finally beat you!" I was grinning like a fool from how excited I was.

"Yes you did," smiled Kyou more pleased than I expected her to be for losing.

"Can't you at least pretend to be angry you lost so I can enjoy this moment?"

"Why should I be mad? I'm happy that you're having so much fun."

"Never mind," I sighed to myself. I can never win against this woman; even when I do win.

"What's wrong?" she laughed, obviously aware of my intentions. "We can play a game together if you'd like. That way you don't have to worry about losing to me."

"You pick again… my heart is still broken," I replied, over-dramatically clutching at my chest.

"Okay, let's play _Time Crisis_!" answered Kyou as if she had no intentions of allowing me to pick in the first place. She held out her hand which I met with my own and a smile.

We made our way back towards the other side of the arcade where the selection of shooting games were located. The set up for the game itself was quite elaborate. Towering above the game system was a brightly lit sign displaying the title _Time Crisis 4_. The two large screens below it were separated by a column of speakers with more extending around the playing area to provide surround sound. The game consoles that housed the pistols were even color coordinated and lined with red and blue neon lights.

"Woah," I whispered as I removed the gun from its carrier. Even the weapons were highly stylized with intricate designs reminiscent of _Stand Alone Complex_. "This is kind of cool."

"I know, right?" affirmed Kyou with a quirky smile while taking practice shots at the game screen. "Hey... we should make the game a little more interesting."

"What are you proposing?"

"Whoever loses all their life points first has to listen to whatever demand the winner makes."

I hesitated for a moment before giving my answer. It wasn't that I was worried about her demand, but that the request was something that she feels I'd deny if she didn't pressure me into it. What did she want to ask that made her feel that she had to do it this way? The bet had an ominous feel to it.

"Deal," I replied with some reluctance.

We put in our tokens and took our positions as we watched the opening cinematic of the game. Suddenly a bullet sound interrupted the dialogue, sending us straight into the heat of combat. I quickly looked over at Kyou who shrugged at me and grinned. "What? They were taking too long."

We managed to clear the first stage with both of us losing one life point each. Kyou, of course, decided to skip each cut scene so I had no idea what was going on in the game. It was something about crazy looking insects from what I could tell. More importantly though, we both had drawn a small crowd watching us play.

Kyou gave no hesitation to skip the cinematic as soon as the points tallying had finished, throwing us into the heat of battle again. After a few more close calls, I was finally hit by one of those annoying red soldiers putting me behind Kyou by one life. We cleared the rest of the stage with me pulling ahead of Kyou in terms of points but still behind her by one life point. I still had no idea what was going on in the story though the crowd didn't seem to mind judging by their reactions. More people seemed to have shown up, but I didn't have time to count since Kyou had taken the liberty of rushing into each stage without any warning.

Kyou immediately lost a life in the first part of the next stage causing her to curse in front of the many children surrounding us. I had to cover my laughter with a hand when I saw how mortified she looked realizing that some of them were young enough to be her future students.

We were on the second part of the final stage before we knew it, still without any clue what was going on story-wise. About midway I was on my last life due to my failure to realize I didn't have enough machine gun ammo to keep up my barrage. I was tempted to throw away my last life to let Kyou win, but something in me wanted to keep going to see if we could actually do this without us both dying.

We continued on to the final part of the game where I narrowly escaped some more close calls leading up to the boss, letting Kyou take most of the shots with her two life point buffer. It was safer for me this way since the bet was to survive the longest, not get the most points. Although I had already planned to let her win in the end.

The most significant thing that had happened so far just occurred. For some reason after a staircase exploded, these American soldiers created a human staircase for us to reach the final battle. I have no idea how that made any sense as an acceptable option, but apparently it was alright with them.

We caught up to the final boss and Kyou started off the fight by throwing a grenade, ridding him roughly one bar of his health. We rapidly switched through all our weapons and laid down a hail of virtual brass and explosions, rarely taking cover for more than a split second. Just as we took down his second to last bar, we were both hit simultaneously by a surprise attack. The insert credits screen popped up for me, leaving Kyou alone to finish the fight.

I realized how loud the crowd had gotten in the background as they cheered her on. She was on her last grenade with only the handgun as her available weapon. Her eyes had this crazily determined look in them as if she was a banished young prince trying to regain his honor. Just as the boss' last health bar reached about halfway, Kyou quickly switched over to her grenade and fired a direct shot killing him instantly. The final cinematic played – incidentally the only one she let run – and the surrounding spectators cheered for our victory.

"We did it!" exclaimed Kyou, tackling me with a hug so that I had to carry her. She snuck a kiss on my cheek which only made the crowd roar loader. "I guess this means that I won, huh?"

"It appears to be that way," I replied as I gently lowered her back onto her feet. "Where would you like to eat for your victory dinner?"

"Oh wow!" Kyou glanced at her wrist watch as we left the arcade together. "I didn't even realize how late it had gotten. How about we go to that ramen shop for old times' sake?"

"We couldn't call it a date if we didn't."

.  
.x.  
.

It was already night by the time we had gone back outside, but it was by no means dark out. The shopping district was most beautiful at this time of the evening. Above us hanging on lines strung across the buildings were colorful paper lanterns swaying in the gentle breeze, illuminating the ground in an array of vibrant colors. Kyou seemed to be entranced by the colors that surrounded us as we passed through the district.

"I know I've said this so many times before, but this is just like a dream." Kyou wrapped her arm around mine and pulled me closer to her so that she could rest her head against my shoulder. "I'm happy that I get to share it with you." For saying something so sweet her voice was rather ominous.

"But we'll have to wake up eventually, won't we?" I asked, reading the question out of her mind.

"Yeah, eventually."

"I get the feeling that morning is just around the corner."

"Probably..." She tightened her embrace around my arm. "Hey Tomoya, I'd like to make my request now."

"Hm?"

"I'm going to tell you a story, but you can't say anything until I'm done."

"Okay."

Kyou led me to a bench nearby where we could sit. Her calm composure led me to believe that we were sitting down for my sake. I shifted around in my seat preparing myself for what she was going to say. The atmosphere was already weighing down on me. She took a deep breath and began her tale.

"There once was a little girl who was raised by a single mother. She didn't know it at the time, but her parents had divorced when she was too young to remember. Her mother spent most of her time dating men and sometimes would forget about the little girl. Because of that she had to learn how to live on her own and take care of herself.

"One day when that little girl was in middle school that mother disappeared and left a letter saying that she had eloped with her latest boyfriend and that the little girl would be living her father and his family. Instead of being sad, the little girl was happy that she would be able to finally meet her father since her questions about him were always left unanswered.

"When she arrived she learned that she had a sister who was her twin. When their parents divorced each took a daughter into custody. She also found out that her father had remarried to her aunt who was now the little girl's new mother. Despite that she was warmly welcomed into her new family by her new mother and sister.

"There was a problem though. The little girl never felt loved by her father and felt distant to him. All her life she kept those feelings bottled inside until one day she and her father got into a fight. In the heat of the argument the little girl asked him why he ever bothered to take her back in the first place if he never cared about her. He told her that he only took her back because he refused to pay child support if her real mother was going to get remarried.

"Ever since that day the little girl felt withdrawn from her entire family. She started to think that she was only there because they were forced to keep her. She decided then that since she was old enough that she would move out and live on her own.

"And that's the end of the story. I'm sure you already know the next part so I won't waste your time."

I was at a loss for words. It was obvious that she was the 'little girl', but why did she tell me this way? Was this her answer for last night when I asked what happened between them? I had more questions than I did answers for her.

But most of all I felt ashamed for carelessly asking her last night.

I began to understand why she was scared of me leaving her. She had always felt alone in this world. She hinted at it so many times but I ignored it thinking that she was okay when in reality she was hiding her true feelings behind a smile. I was so focused on my own problems that I rarely considered that she had her own. But the possibility of something worse may be at play...

When I told Kyou that I loved her... just how empty did those words sound to her? I could feel my body shake as I forced out my next words, but I needed to know.

"Does that little girl still feel alone?"

"Every day..."

My heart broke like glass against the floor and I began to sob uncontrollably. I threw my arms around Kyou and pulled her close to me, crying on her shoulder. I felt pathetic when I thought about how long she must have been waiting to finally tell me. Kyou had every right to be angry with me.

"I'm so sorry Kyou... I've been horrible to you this whole time."

"Don't say that... you never meant to be."

"Do you hate me for it?"

"I could never hate you Tomoya."

"...Did you ever believe me when I said that I loved you?"

"Not in the same way that I love you..."

I cringed as those words crushed the broken glass that was my heart under its weight. "Even yesterday?" I bothered to ask, knowing that I wasn't prepared for her answer.

She stayed silent and shifted her gaze away from mine.

I couldn't bring myself to believe that my words had meant so little to her. It hurt too much to know that her words yesterday were only spent so that I didn't agonize over our intimacy. It hurt even more to realize that she felt the need to use intimacy to keep me from leaving; that every gesture was done more in fear than in love.

I tightened my embrace around her and continued to break down crying.

"How do I make things better?" My voice was shaky and hoarse. "Please tell me how..."

"I really don't know..."

We didn't leave that bench for a while; there was just too much for me to take in at once. The rest of our time was spent in silence. In the absence of conversation I reflected on the past few days.

I had expected her to instantly accept my new feelings without considering her own. Out of selfishness I ignored the fact that things couldn't be mended that easily since Kyou hadn't said otherwise. In reality she was just scared to tell me the truth. I spent this whole time thinking that everything was fine but never once bothered to ask her if she was.

How stupid was I to think that this was something that could be fixed in a matter of days?

.  
.x.  
.

Kyou and I continued our date as planned and started back on our path to the ramen stand. There was an uncomfortable distance between us that we couldn't avoid. I was scared that I would just make it worse if I did the wrong thing. It felt impossible to make conversation after ending our last on such a somber note.

Summoning every ounce of courage I could muster, I dared to speak for her sake.

"So what are you going to order?"

Kyou jumped at my question. She had been waiting anxiously for me to make the first move. "Something spicy, I think. It was pretty cold today."

"Yeah, I think I might do the same to warm up a bit." A wave of relief passed over me. At least if we're talking there is some chance of recovery.

As we took our seats in the same spot from last time, we were greeted by one of the assistant chefs managing the orders and exchanged formalities. He placed two clay cups in front of us and filled them to the brim with steaming hot tea, adding "Let me know when you're ready to order," before he went to tend to other customers.

"Tomoya!" whispered Kyou excitedly while tugging on my jacket sleeve. "They have _takoyaki _on their menu now!"

I smiled at her as she continued to tug on me, subtly pointing at the sign that advertised their new menu addition for takoyaki. My smile quickly turned sour as feelings of shame returned. It didn't seem right to be enjoying myself in the wake of what just occurred.

Kyou noticed my concern and massaged my arm.

"Please still try to be happy, for me."

I acknowledged her intention with a nod. If that's what she wants, I'll do my best from now on to be that for her.

"Are you sure you can finish it all? I don't think I'll have enough room for both our food when you complain later that you ordered too much."

"Hm..." She weighed her options to decide on the best one to pursue. "How about we share a large spicy miso with pork _and_ the takoyaki?"

"Well, that is definitely the benefit of dating someone––"

I wanted to take back those words the moment they were uttered. We had just gotten back on the right foot and I went off and said something so inconsiderate...

"Of course," replied Kyou apparently unfazed by my illy timed comment. She was so adept at feigning her emotions that I no longer knew what to think of her reaction; her observant eyes took notice again. "The last thing I want to do is break up with you Tomoya... I just needed to finally tell you the truth."

"Sorry..."

"I know you are," she placed her hand onto mine and gave me a reassuring squeeze, "you don't have to keep saying it."

"So—" I stopped halfway to save myself from redundancy. Kyou split a grin which quickly turned into a playful laughter. I hung my head jokingly, pleased that I was at least entertaining her.

"Sorry it took so long! I was caught up in the kitchen," apologized the same assistant as he pulled out his notepad to take our order. "What can I get you two for this evening?"

"A large spicy miso with pork and takoyaki to share, please."

"Not a problem." He ripped off the sheet of paper and hung it on the line with the other orders in queue. "It'll be about fifteen minutes." With that he returned to the kitchen to continue his other duties. Through the serving window you could see him and the head chef toiling away as they completed each order with haste and efficiency.

The wait went by quickly with lively conversation. Kyou was excitedly recalling our race against each other and how she had faked indifference when she lost so that I couldn't savor my victory. We laughed about the moment where she lost her composure in front of the younger children watching us play Time Crisis and how we had drawn a crowd from how well we were doing. We hadn't even realized time was going by so fast until the assistant returned from the kitchen with our order in hand.

Kyou immediately dug into the takoyaki, placing an entire piece in her mouth just as she did with the mochi. I shook my head and used a napkin to wipe away the mayo and sauce she had gotten on her face to which she replied with a muffled thank you.

"Hey, can I ask you for a favor Tomoya?" said Kyou as soon as she finished chewing her food.

"What's up?"

"Can you go with me on Saturday to my parent's house again..?"

"Yeah." I tried to choose my next words carefully. "May I ask what changed your mind?"

She took a bite of pork from the ramen as if contemplating her answer. "I was being honest when I told you that I thought you would leave me if I told you the truth. But I finally found it in me to tell you anyway. Then you hugged me... it was the last thing I expected you to do and I didn't know how to react."

I placed a bundle of noodles in my mouth as I mulled over her words in my mind. I couldn't tell if what I did was a good or bad thing from how she phrased it.

"You've given me the courage to finally tell my Dad how I feel. I think it's something I need to get off my chest if I ever want to move on. I've decided that I don't want to be weak anymore."

"Then I'll be your strength."

Kyou fought back the urge to smirk at my sudden remark. I could feel my cheeks start to heat up from more than just the spiciness of the soup. "It sounded cooler in my head," I huffed as she giggled quietly to herself.

"Anyway!" I continued, ignoring her fidgeting and laughter. "I promise that one day you will believe that I love you, Kyou Fujibayashi, for being you and nothing else. And that I will be the person you can rely on when you're in need."

Kyou had stopped laughing and turned her gaze away from mine; her complexion flushed with a subtle crimson. Daring only to look my direction through the corner of her eye, she extended her pinky towards me in the same manner as the last.

"Promise?"

"I promise," I answered, interlocking my own around hers and shaking just as we did before.

.

.

* * *

_Footnotes:  
__Yakisoba Bread - So think of bread and yakisoba, a fried noodle dish, put together where the yakisoba rests in a nest of bread. It's pretty awesome.  
Karaage - Deep fried food more commonly referring to a fried chicken dish.  
(Daifuku) Mochi - A rice cake pastry that is a cousin of the dango. Daifuku is a style where a filling is put inside of the mochi.  
Irrashaimase - A common shop greeting for customers.  
Tama-yo - A play on words of Tamako Market's mochi shop called Tama-ya as well as a butchering of Tomoya's name.  
M - I don't think I want to explain this if you are unfamiliar with what S&M is. Feel free to google it yourself.  
Stand Alone Complex - Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex. Enough said.  
Takoyaki - Octopus infused amazing-ness in a fluffy housing of orgasm inducing bread; orgasm inducing levels vary based on chef's skill._

_._

_A/N (edited):  
So, I plan to publish on the 15th of every month unless otherwise stated on my profile. I am attending an event from March 11th-22nd so I'll probably publish on the 10th if possible next month. With that being said, here are my thoughts on this month's chapter:_

_This is definitely a 'Kyou arc' as you probably have already noticed. I've been meaning to return to her back-story after leaving it on a cliff hanger in chapter 9. Chapter 14 will largely focus on the issues that were revealed at the end of this chapter. Our young couple has finally been forced out of adolescence into adulthood. What will become of them as they confront the trials and tribulations that lay ahead?_

_As usual, please direct all comments, questions, and anger to my inbox or the review page. And thank you for your continual feedback on the story! It is always appreciated._

_jukkou_


	14. Chapter 14: Trials and Tribulations

**Chapter 14: Trials and Tribulations**

**.**

It was that time of winter where the snow would begin to fall less heavily. As a result of this climate change, today's work was more strenuous than usual to ensure that things were still operating properly in Hikarizaka after the continuous snowfall. Yoshino and I were taking a much needed lunch break before heading back to the office to finalize the paperwork and daily reports.

Since Kyou doesn't have class on Saturdays, I had the rare luxury of eating one of her bentos for lunch today instead of last night's cold leftovers.

"Wow, looks good," remarked Yoshino as I removed the lid of the bento. I had to agree with him. Usually Kyou would take last night's leftovers and add something to it along with an assortment of side dishes, but this time she had prepared something rather impressive. Housed in the compartments of the bento were potato croquettes, beef patties, _tamagoyaki_, yesterday's _tonkatsu_, and finely cut vegetables over rice.

"I'm surprised she put in this much effort." I took out my pair of black lacquer chopsticks she had packed and immediately dug in forgetting to savor the taste as I shoved as much as I comfortably could in my mouth.

"Why would you be surprised?" pried Yoshino as if he had read the thoughts that had passed through my mind. The way I had said it made it obvious to him something was going on. Only he would have guessed it though. "Judging by the dumb look on your face I'm taking that as a yes."

"What dumb look on my face?"

"The one that says, 'How did he know something was going on!?'."

"I seriously look like that..?"

"Yep," sighed Yoshino, shaking his head. "So, tell me, what's up? Did you two fight?"

"No, nothing like that... Remember how we had that date earlier this week? Stuff sort of happened." I refrained from mentioning Kyou's personal matters. "Basically, I learned that she has been struggling to get past my old feelings for Nagisa. I should have realized it sooner before things got to this point. She had hinted at it occasionally but I didn't think anything of it."

"I can't say I blame her for feelings this way Tomoya. You shouldn't have expected her to be so easily swayed with simply words and gifts. I was beginning to find it odd myself, honestly."

"But she was so intimate with me to the point that we even–– you know..." I was too embarrassed to say the rest. "I figured that everything was okay because of that."

"Did you ever consider that the thought of possibly losing you pushed her to do that? If she flat out told you that she was unhappy you would probably think she hated you and end up avoiding her."

"Yeah... I realized that after she told me."

"I've pressed the issue lightly in the past, but if you intend to stay with this woman you need to try harder Tomoya."

"I know," I feebly replied.

Yoshino never raised his voice when he was angry or frustrated, but the manner in which he spoke made it clear that he was. In the years that I've known him, I had only heard him speak this way once; it was shortly after I lost Nagisa.

He let out an exasperated huff and punched my shoulder with a soft jab before he continued. "The Tomoya I knew never let the fact that he could barely raise his right arm above his shoulder stop him from protecting the woman he loved so dearly. It's time you start being the man Kyou needs you to be."

The truth of his words struck me hard. I had become so insecure after losing Nagisa that I was barely the shadow of the person I used to be. It wasn't just part of my heart that died when she left me; it was much more than that.

I would have fought tooth and nail for Nagisa if it meant protecting her. I refused to give up when she was involved; be it asking for her hand in marriage or sustaining our livelihood. Every day I had pushed past the aches and pain that filled my body so that we could live meagerly. Knowing that I would come back home to her made it worthwhile.

It was obvious why Kyou has been so reluctant to believe me when I barely gave her a fraction of that same tenacity.

I told her that I would be her strength, but those words never felt so serious as they did right now. Now wasn't the time to be timid and fear the uncomfortable. The idea that I could continue to live a carefree lifestyle was so naive that it made me sick knowing I had honestly believed it possible. The only saving grace of it all was that I realized my mistake before things had reached an irreparable point. All I can do now is place my best foot forward and try my hardest.

"Hey Yoshino—"

A sudden ringing interrupted me midway. Yoshino glanced down at the caller I.D. of his cell phone with a puzzled look.

"One sec'— sorry. Hey Kouko, what's up? ... Wait, slow down and say that again." He stood up hastily and his eyes widened as if from shock. "Fuko is awake..?"

The news had come as a huge shock to us both. We stared at each other unsure of how to respond as Kouko continued to explain the situation over the phone. Fuko had been in a coma for over five years, hospitalized in the same bed for that entire time. The Fuko I knew was an entirely different person; a physical manifestation of the sleeping Fuko's desire to grant her sister's wish. And now she was awake.

It was a lot to process at once. I began to wonder if she would still be that same energetic, starfish loving girl we came to know her as. I realized that if it weren't for her I wouldn't have ever met Kouko and Yoshino. I also wouldn't have become an electrician if it weren't for that unlikely encounter. Nor would I have had those two to rely on in my time of need. It was odd knowing that I was indebted to her in that regard.

I answered the question that Yoshino seemed to have difficulty placing into words.

"Hey, I'll take care of the paperwork in the office for today so you can be there for them. I'm sure Kouko is overwhelmed by it all and needs you right now."

"No, it's fine... I don't want to push all the work onto you."

"Don't worry about it. You've done the same for me countless times." It was the least I could do for him since he was always the one helping me. Yoshino was someone I could always count on; I wanted to be just as reliable for when he needed it too.

"Thanks Tomoya, really. It means a lot that you'd do that for me"

A wave of relief seemed to pass over him. This was the first time I was able to repay him for what he has done for me. Admittedly, I think I was relieved more than he was knowing that I was finally able to do so.

"Ah, I nearly forgot! What were you going to say earlier?"

"Oh, right." I had completely forgotten about it myself. "Thanks for telling me what you thought earlier. I have a bit of soul searching to do now."

"It was just a friendly shove in the right direction, don't worry about it. More importantly, you have that dinner later, right? We should hurry back so you don't get held up at the office too long."

"Yeah, I don't want to keep Kouko waiting on such an important day either."

Yoshino and I scarfed down what was left of our lunches and hurriedly packed our tools into the back of the van. As we drove back to the office, I was reminded of how Hikarizaka was built on an uneven landscape filled with hills. Regardless of which direction you chose to go, you would eventually have to brave the steep incline of a hill. The only way to avoid them was to not move at all.

This city symbolized life itself; hardships would always come so long as you choose to move forward.

I had always acknowledged that the path ahead was going to be an uphill climb, but it wasn't until now that I decided to finally make the ascent. The grove of _sakura_ that waited at the top were barren from the winter, but I could already see them blooming from down here.

.  
.x.  
.

As expected from the start, dinner with Kyou's parents had taken a quiet turn. The only noises made were the chewing of food and scraping of utensils. The few words spoken were the usual gratitudes given when passing along plates and the like. It wasn't that making conversation was difficult, but whether or not conversation was appropriate at all. That same atmosphere from before weighed down on us as we continued our meal silently. Kyou had been waiting for an opportunity to finally speak her mind, but none have appeared since our arrival half an hour ago.

Dinner was still being prepared when we arrived, leaving the most unexpected person in the household to greet us at the door. Judging by the expression on his face at the time, I was clearly not invited. Despite that initial road bump, I was reluctantly let inside at the behest of Kyou's mother insisting that she had expected my company.

As we passed through the photograph lined hallway, I realized that the portraits of the twins began when they were around twelve. It didn't strike me as peculiar back then, but recently learning the grim truth behind it left a bitter taste in my mouth. The thought of Kyou learning how to hide her true feelings behind a mask at such a young age was far too uncomfortable to swallow; knowing that she could do so with ease only made it worse.

Since then we had sat around the dining table without saying anything to each other. Kyou's father had spent his time waiting for dinner to finish reading a newspaper, preventing any conversation from happening in the first place. It was obvious that he wanted nothing to do with the apology Kyou's mother invited us over for.

More importantly, Kyou's courage seemed to waver as time silently passed by. She knew that she couldn't come right out and speak her mind unexpectedly, but it was becoming her only option based on how things were going. There had to be something I could do or say to help.

"Ah, I haven't had the chance to thank you for inviting us over." I added a polite smile to my words in order to properly express my gratitude. It wasn't much, but at least this would push things in the right direction.

"We're glad to have you over Tomoya-kun," replied Kyou's mother, returning my gesture with a smile of her own. "Sorry that you had to wait for the food. I didn't expect you two to arrive so early."

"No need to apologize ma'am, it was hardly a wait. Besides, the food was well worth it. I can see why Kyou is such a talented cook."

"You are so polite, thank you. Though I have to admit that Kyou was a good cook before I met her. In fact, she taught me a thing or two cooking together. She must have got it from her mother since my husband is such a lousy cook. I wouldn't trust him to boil rice!"

Kyou's father forced a cough to interrupt his wife before she said too much hoping that I wouldn't catch on. Unfortunately, this was exactly the kind of opening I was waiting for. I already knew why Kyou was a good cook; she had to be if she was taking care of herself for so long. But I never expected Kyou's mother to slip so easily.

I quickly glanced over at Kyou who had just realized my intentions and nodded in affirmation.

"You don't have to hide it dad. He already knows." Her voice was tempered from the many times she had said similar words aloud in practice.

"Why would you tell a stranger about personal family matters?" demanded Kyou's father, glaring angrily.

"Tomoya isn't a stranger," retorted Kyou with just as much emotion. "Who I tell isn't any of your business. You don't have any right to tell me what I can or can't do anymore."

"You may not live in my house any longer, but you will not talk back to me that way young lady! I've just about had it with your rebellious attitude! You think that you can act however you please just because you moved out. Don't be ridiculous!"

Kyou was powerless to look up at her father while he yelled at her; all the strength she mustered had suddenly been sapped. It couldn't be helped after being shot down immediately since she had been so determined to finally speak out. Silent tears began to form at the corners of her eyes from accepting defeat. I decided to speak on her behalf since she no longer could.

"With all due respect sir, this is exactly why Kyou was so reluctant to come here in the first place. You don't give her any opportunity to speak her mind because you constantly force your own views onto her. Yeah Kyou could have been more polite about how she said all of that, but you didn't have to blow up on her the way you did. It's bad parenting."

"What gives you any right to lecture me on how to parent my own daughter?"

"I don't have any right to, but it's not hard to see that you're only hurting her the way you're acting."

Kyou put her hand on mine and squeezed it. "It's okay... please just stop fighting," she urged, trying to wipe away the tears with her free hand.

"No, it's not okay! You need to tell him everything you've been bottling up. I won't accept that you came this far just to give up so soon!"

Kyou's mother spoke this time. "Dear, please calm down and listen to what Kyou has to say. I don't think Tomoya-kun would have gone to this extent to argue with you if it wasn't important. You can't stay on bad terms with your daughter anymore."

He refused to reply to her request and wordlessly continued his meal.

"Your stubbornness will be the end of you," she continued, ending with a frustrated huff.

"Fine," he finally replied after sifting his food around for what felt like an hour. "What did you want to tell me? I'll listen to what you have to say."

Kyou didn't respond immediately; she was stunned by his sudden change of heart. This time I squeezed her hand to reassure her that this was actually happening. She took a deep breath and gripped my hand before speaking.

"You know... when I first found out that I was going to live with you I was so happy. Mom never cared about me and I always thought that if I lived with you things would be better. I didn't mind that you already remarried. If anything I thought that this was my chance to see what a real mom should be like.

"But I always felt like you never loved me. Every time I tried to talk to you it seemed like I was only being a nuisance. I thought that you never wanted me here in the first place and when you told me that you only took custody over me because of mom's marriage it made things worse than before."

Her father sat silently, listening to his daughter's feelings for what may have been the first time in his life. He seemed to be deep in thought searching for the right words. Perhaps he already knew what to say, but was afraid of saying it aloud.

"I had no idea you felt this way," he said in a tone different from his usual commanding voice. It wasn't just his tone that was different, but his entire presence seemed changed as well. "When I learned that I either had to take you in or continue to pay child support, I didn't consider your feelings at the time. I was only thinking of my own situation. It was only until after I signed the paperwork did I realize that I was forcibly taking you away from your old life.

"I tried to keep my distance thinking that it was for the best. I figured that you didn't care whether or not I was in your life. Ryou always needed affirmation from me and your mother, but you were different. I didn't know how to cater to you as a father. You reminded me so much of my ex-wife with how strong and independent you were. It only made it harder seeing that side of you."

Kyou continued to avoid her father's gaze while she listened to his response. After taking some time to process everything he said, she finally gave her reply.

"I only acted that way so you wouldn't have to worry about me. It's not like I didn't want the same attention you gave Ryou... I was scared that you would treat me differently. I couldn't bear to feel more ostracized than I already was." Kyou hung her head as she spoke trying to avoid eye contact. She was giving her all to tell us her honest feelings. It was the first time she stepped away from the mask she always wore. "Sorry for acting so childish and fighting with you. I never considered your own circumstances."

"Don't be sorry... It's my fault for not realizing it sooner. I shouldn't have been so quick to getting angry with you. It was stupid of me to tell you that I only took you in for that reason. I had no business saying something so hurtful. Your boyfriend is right... I am a bad parent."

I winced at his remark, regretting ever saying something so rude.

"You obviously haven't seen what your ex-wife did when I still lived with her," laughed Kyou, shrugging off the heavy atmosphere as if it were never there to begin with.

He chuckled at her whimsical reply. "Well, we did divorce for a reason."

The two of them grinned at each other lightheartedly which, in a peculiar manner, served as their apology to one another.

And with that, dinner continued with a completely different atmosphere. Kyou told stories of what her mother did when she still was a little girl sending the table into fits of laughter. The way she spoke made it seem as if the past was no longer weighing down on her. This was the first time she has felt accepted by her parents; I couldn't be happier seeing her so content.

Things weren't perfect just yet, but they were off to a great start repairing their relationship.

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Kyou leaned against me with her arm interlocked around mine as we watched a rerun of an anime before heading to sleep. We had just returned from her parent's house a few hours ago after enjoying dinner and conversation with them. Things had ended on a much better note than it did the last time we visited; we were even invited over for dinner next month. In fact, her father and I were able to apologize for what we had rudely said before parting ways.

There was something different about Kyou since we came back. I knew why, obviously, but I couldn't place my finger on exactly what about her had changed. At the very least, it was a pleasant change that had occurred.

"You know Tomoya, something is different about you."

Kyou was looking up at me while still resting her head on my shoulder. For an odd reason I was taken back by how attractive she was holding onto me like this.

After gathering my composure with a few clearings of my throat I managed a reply.

"I was just thinking the same thing about you."

"Well, I did finally just make amends with my dad. I would hope that I seemed different after something so life changing." Her playful sarcasm had an unusually sweet tang to it. "But you really do seem different today."

"I don't think I acted much different from my usual self."

I had lied, of course, but I couldn't stop myself from desiring to see where this conversation was heading. Kyou was never slow to catch on, but this time she played along rather than jokingly chide me for trying to outwit her.

"You may have not thought much of it, but speaking up to my dad the way you did was pretty daring."

She was drawing with her finger on my chest as she spoke, sending nervous tingles down my back.

"You think so? I did promise that I was going to be there when you were in need," I replied slightly stumbling over my words as I got lost trying to decipher what she had been writing.

"I definitely do think so." The way the words had left her lips made my breathing uneasy. "If it weren't for you I would have never been able to say what I needed to him. I don't think I would have ever been able to recover if things continued the way they were going. Thank you for keeping your promise Tomoya."

"It was the least I could do after everything you've done for me."

I was having difficulty concentrating on the conversation any longer. It wasn't that I didn't care for what she was saying; if anything I was overjoyed hearing her gratitude. But I was becoming completely distracted by other thoughts.

"I know things are still a little awkward between us, but..." Her voice trailed and for the first time in our conversation she veered her gaze away from mine. "—but would it be okay if I kissed you? As a thank you, of course..."

I gently brushed her violet hair behind an ear revealing her flushed complexion that she had tried to hide. While she was still looking the other way, I brought my lips to hers and carefully laid her back without leaving the soft touch of her lips. We backed away slightly to catch our breath. Her pupils had begun to dilate and I became lost in that sea of violet.

The chilling sensation of her cold hand under my shirt woke me up from my dream-like trance.

I was getting ahead of myself by giving into my urges and desires so easily. I wanted her right now; I couldn't deny that fact. But the uncomfortable truth was that I was pushing Kyou into something she may not want just yet.

She had said she wanted to kiss me, nothing more than that.

I know she would let me if I started it, but the thought that this may be too much for her right now stabbed at the back of my mind. I wouldn't know what to do with myself if this ended up just hurting her more. All my efforts today would have been wasted.

"Stop Kyou, we can't do this."

Startled from my sudden remark she immediately withdrew her hand.

"Did I do something wrong..?"

"No, I did." I squeezed my eyes shut in anger with myself. "I shouldn't have taken it this far."

"It's fine––" Kyou pulled me back down towards her and pecked a quick kiss on my lips. "You aren't doing anything wrong if I'm letting you."

"That's exactly what's wrong." I pushed myself off of her again. "You're only letting me. You never said you wanted this too."

"What are you talking about... I do want this," she replied with enough hesitation in her voice that she couldn't even fool herself into believing it. "You want me though, right..?"

"Of course I do... but not like this. I want our next time to be when you wholeheartedly believe that I love you. I won't accept it any other way. I'm not going to hurt you again. Ever."

I had said the last word with so much emotion that her eyes widened from surprise.

After a few moments of letting my words settle, Kyou unexpectedly pulled me into her embrace and affectionately kissed me.

"If you're deliberately doing all this to make me fall in love with you more, I'll have you know... it's working."

While smiling at her sudden reaction, I rolled over on my side still embracing her and accidentally laid down on the remote so that the channel changed to one of those weird late night game shows. We both looked up at the television screen simultaneously and grinned. We completely forgot that we were watching something before this happened.

"I think I'll go make some tea before we sleep, want some?"

"Sure, that sounds nice."

Kyou placed a light kiss on my cheek before getting up to boil the kettle of water.

As she did that, I took the opportunity to check my phone to see if I had any messages since I hadn't bothered looking all day. Yoshino had sent me an e-mail a few hours ago asking if Kyou and I had any plans for Sunday tomorrow. I didn't have to reply to know what he was going to ask next.

"Hey Kyou, do you want to visit Fuko in the hospital tomorrow with Yoshino and Kouko?"

"Yeah, why not. What's the occasion?"

"Fuko woke up from her coma."

Kyou spun around immediately and stared at me as if I was a crazy person.

"What—! How can you say it so nonchalantly?! When did she recover?"

"Some time in the early afternoon today. I, uh, sort of forgot to mention it since we were so focused on the dinner."

"That's great! We definitely should go to congratulate her." Kyou sat back down next to me and leaned against my shoulder. "Oh, we need to get her flowers or something pretty."

"We can stop by somewhere on our way over." I had just finished e-mailing Yoshino back that we were planning on visiting Fuko with them. "—And sent."

Kyou seemed to be thinking over something to herself. She had stayed quiet for a few minutes and was blankly staring at the television screen. After some time she finally said what was on her mind.

"Why does the thought of Fuko waking up keep reminding me of a wooden star? I can't think of any good reason why though." Kyou shook her head and laughed. "Don't mind me, I think I just need to get some sleep."

She was beginning to remember the days we had helped Fuko with the wedding. For reasons unknown to me, I have never forgotten about Fuko even after her existence had faded into obscurity and rumor for the rest of the world. It came to me as a surprise that she was able to recall that much about her years later.

"You mean a starfish, right?"

"Yeah... a starfish," replied Kyou uncertain why she had thought the sculpture was a star in the first place. She was slowly piecing the memories back together. "This might have been a dream or something, but I clearly remember helping Fuko pass out her starfish at the Founder's Festival. But there's no way that's possible. She's been in the hospital for nearly half a decade now."

"Do you remember what the starfish were for?" I asked hoping to stimulate her memories further.

"A wedding, I think." She grimaced trying to make sense of it all. "I don't get it. I'm positive that the starfish were for Yoshino-san and Ibuki-sensei's wedding, but Fuko was already hospitalized at the time. So why do I keep getting the feeling that she was there?"

I ruffled her hair and pulled her closer into my embrace.

"You'll think I'm insane for saying this, but you are right. I still don't know why, but she was definitely there."

"I believe you. Well, I don't think you're lying to me, at least." She did a double take and glared at me with judging eyes. "... or are you? I'll have you know, I'm very confused right now and not in the mood to be toyed with."

"I'm not! Even if I was, you would somehow find the upper hand and reverse the situation as usual."

Her expression shifted to a playful grin as she giggled, leaving me with no option other than to join her. I would continually deny it if this came to light, but I had fallen head over heels in love with that smile.

"Do you think Fuko will remember the time we spent with her back then?" asked Kyou innocently as she fidgeted with her ribbon. "She worked so hard for her sister's wedding... it would be kind of sad if she didn't."

I felt inconsiderate for not thinking of that possibility. Fuko was an odd one, but she had acted selflessly in hopes of making her sister's dream come true. It definitely would be sad if she never knew how happy she had made Kouko that day. I wasn't sure how to appropriately respond.

"I guess we'll know for certain tomorrow."

Kyou yawned and shifted herself into a more comfortable position next to me. I glanced down at my watch and realized we were up way past our usual bedtime. We hadn't even paid attention to what was playing on TV the entire time.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," she replied slowly dozing off.

Tonight was ending no different than it usually did. Kyou would suddenly nod off and I'd end up tucking her into bed. It was comforting to know that the day would come to an end like this.

I gingerly brushed her hair with my fingers careful not to stir her as I waited for her to fall asleep completely. Sitting next to her like this was kind of romantic.

I felt tempted to fall asleep next to her like this for once.

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.x.  
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Kyou and I were patiently waiting outside Fuko's room at Hikarizaka Regional Hospital as the doctor's continued their examination inside. We arrived a little under an hour ago after purchasing a bouquet of flowers at a nearby shop. If I had known we were going to sit idly for the past hour I would have considered eating breakfast before rushing out the door. The barren look on Kyou's face probably meant that she agreed with me.

To pass the time, I fiddled around with a wooden starfish that had remained from the many we had carved a few years back. It had been packed away in a cardboard box along with an assortment of other odd items and trinkets I've collected over time. I figured that if it didn't jog her memory it would at least serve as a nice gift along with the flowers.

After about fifteen minutes, which felt more like a few hours in this sterile waiting room, Fuko's attending physicians had finally left the room followed by Yoshino who beckoned us with a wave to come in.

"Thanks for taking the time to visit," he greeted as we met him at the door to her room. Kouko welcomed us with a warm smile; she was sitting by her sister's side holding her hand. Fuko had already fallen asleep shortly after the doctors left.

"How's she been doing?" I asked while placing the starfish and bouquet on the table nearby.

"According to the doctor she will have to undergo physical therapy for a few months before she can live at home with us. Even then she will have to be closely monitored until they can completely say she's recovered."

It had just occurred to me how fragile Fuko looked as she rested in bed. Spending the last five years in the hospital had atrophied her strength and muscle mass. I felt like she might break if I touched her. The Fuko we had known looked as if she was only in her early teens, but the one in front of me right now appeared to be around my age. I honestly hadn't expected her to change much physically so this came as a surprise.

"Nee-chan, can I have something to drink?" mumbled Fuko as she awoke from her slumber.

Despite her physical appearance, her speech mannerisms were still no different than that of someone much younger. However, it made sense if waking up from a coma meant returning to exactly where you left off mentally.

We had taken the effort to come all this way to visit her but I couldn't think of a single word to say. Congratulating her seemed a little inappropriate in her case. Kyou seemed as lost for words as I was. She had taken to twirling a lock of her hair around a finger waiting for me to say something first.

"It's good to see that you're doing well." The words left my mouth awkwardly as if in a forced manner. I was starting to reconsider my approach to create conversation.

"Thanks, but who are you?" she asked in a manner so innocent that I couldn't hold it against her. This Fuko had no way of knowing who I was since she had already been hospitalized by the time I met her counterpart.

"Ah, right... I'm Tomoya Okazaki."

I gestured for Kyou to introduce herself as well so that I wasn't suffering alone.

"Kyou Fujibayashi, pleased to meet you," she continued, adding a polite bow.

Fuko stared at us with a confused expression in contemplation. She sat up and leaned in closer as if doing so would have made things easier to understand.

"Do I know you two from somewhere?"

This Fuko is a completely different person from the one back then. It wasn't possible that she could have remembered us.

"I guess I just have one of those familiar looking faces."

"No, I do know you. I just didn't recognize you since you're much older."

"What do you mean..?"

The possibility that she somehow remembered our high school days had presented itself before us. Even though I knew that it was useless, I still insisted on hoping that she would.

"You went to junior high school with me, of course."

"Ah..."

I forced a few laughs and a smile. It hurt more than I thought it would learning that she doesn't remember what happened. Almost like meeting an old friend whom you cherished, but years later they don't recognize or remember you at all. It was that kind of empty ache.

"Sorry, I don't remember to be honest. Anyway, these are gifts from us." I directed her gaze over to the wooden starfish and bouquet of flowers resting on the table beside her. "Someone told me that you liked starfish a lot."

Her eyes lit up as she childishly grabbed the sculpture. "Yes... yes I do."

The sound of knocking resounded from behind us, turning all of our attention towards it. The door opened and a nurse stepped into the room pushing a wheelchair in front of her. She didn't look much older than Kyou or myself. I was faintly reminded of Ryou's nursing endeavors and how she would soon be in the same position as the woman in front of us.

"I'm sorry for interrupting, but we need to take Ibuki-san down to the physical rehabilitation center for an exam. If you would like, you are welcome to stay in the waiting room in the meantime. She should be back just before lunch in an hour."

"That's fine, thank you for letting us know," replied Yoshino courteously with a nod. "I think we'll take this opportunity to eat a late breakfast."

Kyou tugged on my sleeve fervently, nodding in agreement. The sudden painful rumbling in my stomach was completely okay with the idea as well.

I assisted Yoshino and the nurse with carrying Fuko into the wheelchair. Judging from how light she was as we carried her, I understood completely why she still needed to be in the hospital. She was having trouble supporting herself with her feet even with us holding onto her. These next few months were not going to be pleasant as she relearned how to walk and do basic things again.

Kyou held open the door so that the nurse could wheel Fuko outside into the hallway. We followed closely behind while Kouko and Yoshino gave their farewells saying that they would be waiting for her when she finished.

I had suddenly become a complete stranger to someone I once held dearly. It couldn't be helped considering our circumstances. I was just having difficulty swallowing it.

"We had just arrived too," I began hoping to stir conversation to take my mind off of things. We had just exited the hospital through the front doors leading to the parking lot. "At least we were able to give her the flowers and starfish."

"Oh, how did you know about the starfish anyhow Tomoya-kun?" asked Kouko who had thought she was the only person who knew that about her sister.

"Not sure, just a hunch I guess." We never told her that Fuko was the reason why we knew about her wedding plans. She was under the assumption that Nagisa had found out somehow and was interested in helping. "Anyway, where should we eat?"

"There's that family restaurant down the road in that direction," replied Yoshino pointing east down the hill. "You can follow behind us if you don't know the area Kyou. We parked just over there."

"Kyou-chan!" exclaimed Kouko suddenly, startling all three of us so much that we nearly jumped. "I was so caught up with Fuko that I never had a chance to tell you that the kindergarten principal wants to meet you! Yu-kun, you two have your boy talk while we discuss important stuff."

I smirked at Yoshino from hearing his nickname called out publicly, which he could only happily accept since Kouko held him on a leash shorter than mine with Kyou. My only saving grace was that Kyou didn't have a nickname for me.

"Yes dear..." Yoshino gripped my right shoulder knowing full well that it was my injured side as he pulled me to the side. "Let's have our _boy talk_, Tomoya."

"That set me back years of progress Yu-kun," I chided while rubbing my recently sore shoulder.

"Shut up." He shook his head in shame. "So, how did everything go with Kyou's parents?"

"Unexpectedly good. I wouldn't say it was resolved entirely, but things are way better than before. Your advice yesterday came in handy, to be honest."

"Great to hear," smiled Yoshino patting me on my better shoulder. "Are things starting to work out between you two? She didn't seem bothered by standing next to you so closely."

I hadn't noticed it myself, actually. Last night was the closest she's been since our date.

"Yeah, I think they are. Things are still a bit awkward romantically, but we're getting along fine."

"Good, good. I wanted to ask since I won't be at work for a few days so I can help take care of Fuko. You'll have to work alone in the meantime. Do you still remember the routes from before winter?"

"Yeah, I've memorized them. I'm sure I can handle it on my own for now."

"Yu-kun," called Kouko making her husband cringe again. "Are you two ready?"

"Yes dear..."

I caught up to Kyou who had already begun to fasten her helmet waiting for her bike to warm up. She was still smiling from Kouko's news and smiled even brighter at me when she noticed my arrival.

"I can't believe that they already want to hire me before even meeting me!" Kyou attacked me with a hug, placing her helmet aside. "They want to know how soon I can start helping. They said if I do well they'd even pay me for the days I work!"

I lifted her off the ground joining in her mini celebration. "I'm happy for you! And you even told me that you'd never get hired. You're all grown up now."

"Hey, I'm older than you."

"Of course you are. You should already know that I'm only attracted to older women." Which wasn't far from the truth, actually.

"You're a weird kind of pervert," giggled Kyou as I sat her down on the bike. "I like you though."

Yoshino pulled up in his car and whistled at us. "Look at you two getting all lovey-dovey in the parking lot. Do you plan on eating breakfast or each other?" Kouko punched him in the shoulder and glared at him for being so vulgar.

Kyou and I turned away from each other ashamed from being caught.

"We'll follow behind," called Kyou as she continued putting on her helmet, which I did as well taking my seat behind her.

We drove out of the parking lot, down the hill to the older part of Hikarizaka where I grew up. The further we followed them the more familiar I was becoming with the surrounding area. If we turned left up the hill ahead you would be within a few blocks Hikarizaka Private High School. Going straight for a while would lead to my old neighborhood. Making a right down the hill would take you to Furukawa Bread... and we did exactly that.

We passed by the nearby park and store quickly, but I couldn't help but turn my face away in fear of being recognized. Although Kyou has reached good terms with her family, I've only let things progress worse with my own; that is if they'd still even consider me family.

I never cleared up with Sanae who Kyou was that day. I needed to do so before this got further out of hand. The only question was how to go about doing so. Do I lie to her and say that Kyou is just a friend? That would probably make things worse when she finds out the truth later. But if I immediately come out and tell her the truth she would just be furious with me.

I had no other choice but to just deal with it when the time came. There were too many variables to have a plan for something like this. The only thing I had to make certain of was that Kyou doesn't know about it. Everything has been going so well for her that bringing this up would crush her high spirits. It would be better to tell her when I know Sanae's response.

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"This really was a bad idea after all."

I was sitting alone in the park nearby Furukawa Bread where I watched Nagisa recite the lines to her play that day long ago. I've spent the last thirty minutes finding some way each time to discourage myself at the last moment from entering the bakery. My mind was filled with questions and I feared to learn the answer to them.

It would be impossible for them to accept what I'm doing right now. I've been gone for so long that Ushio is practically their daughter now. I don't have any right to come back suddenly and ask to be part of their family again. I've known this for so long, but I still felt so obligated to fix things.

Would leaving things the way they are be worse than having to tell them the truth?

This was the question I feared the answer to the most. In the end they would be hurt whether they knew or not.

I rocked back and forth on the swing set in contemplation. If I could get them to see that Kyou has only been a positive influence, possibly they could accept our relationship. I jumped up immediately knowing that this could work.

With that little spark of courage pushing me forward, I slowly walked towards the bakery.

I stopped before the glass door to take a deep breath knowing that once I went in there was no turning back. It wasn't too late at all just to go back home and live life normally. There wasn't a reason for me to feel so obligated, right?

Suddenly, the image of Ushio running towards me through the snow came to mind. And with that thought alone I entered the store no longer chained by uncertainty.

Sanae was too preoccupied with filling the shelves full of her freshly baked creations to immediately take notice of my entry. I call them 'creations' because referring to them as bread would be insulting to their edible cousins. At any rate, it was relieving to see that things hadn't changed much in that regard.

"Good morning, Sanae-san."

She jumped back startled by my sudden greeting. Her eyes stared at me unsure if I was truly standing before her. They were subtly aged, but her face nonetheless remained youthful. It reminded me that I wasn't the only one deeply affected by losing Nagisa.

"Tomoya-kun... good morning." Her remark seemed more of a question than pleasantry. "It's been a while. Have you been well?"

"Much better these days, honestly. Is right now a bad time?"

"No! Not at all!" replied Sanae immediately as if saying yes would have sent me away. Placing the tray down to free her hands, she proceeded to dust the flour that coated her apron. "Did you want to talk about something?"

"Yeah, is Akio here? I wanted to talk to him as well."

"He's out with Ushio getting groceries. Should we wait for him?"

I felt somewhat relieved to know that. There's no telling what would have happened if he learned the truth. It might be better for him to hear it from Sanae; for my sake at least.

"No, that's fine. Has she been well?"

"Yes, she's starting to say simple words now..."

Her voice trailed. I was certain that she remembered what had happened on Nagisa's anniversary as well. It wasn't a pleasant memory for either of us.

Both of us were lost for words. It couldn't be helped; this wasn't the sort of thing that one could just shrug off. I already knew that this conversation was heading in this direction, so there was no point in trying to lighten the atmosphere.

"I actually wanted to talk to you about that day, Sanae-san."

She looked at me plainly, already expecting that this was the reason for my visit.

"I've finally come to terms with Nagisa's passing. I couldn't bring myself to visit her alone so I asked an old friend of ours to go with me."

"So she was just a friend?" asked Sanae doubting Kyou was only that.

"Kyou was a classmate of Nagisa and I during high school. She helped us start the Theater Club and put together the play along with our other friends. It seemed appropriate asking her to visit Nagisa with me after everything we had been through as a group."

"You didn't answer my question Tomoya," she interjected flatly. "Is that woman just a friend to you?"

Her words were profoundly abrasive; she had even dropped the 'kun' honorific from my name. I admit that it didn't come to me as a surprise. After all, this sort of reaction was to be expected.

"If I was able to say yes we wouldn't be having this conversation in the first place."

She solemnly mulled over my words. "Then what exactly is she to you?"

"Truthfully... someone I have unexpectedly fallen in love with over the last few months."

I was prepared for Sanae to be furious with me at the very least, but she remained expressionless. Then again, what was an appropriate reaction to hearing that your son-in-law had fallen in love with another woman after losing your daughter only a year ago? Maybe it was selfish of me to think that doing this was okay in the first place.

"Was that all you came here for..?" she asked after remaining silent for some time.

I didn't have an answer for her. It was true that I came here to tell them this was all for Ushio and our family, but what did I expect to gain from it? Telling them the truth would only make things worse than it already was. It would be better to just carry the burden alone than have them suffer any more than they already have.

"So that's your answer, huh? Well, you should be the one to tell Akio."

"Sure," was all I managed to say.

It was pathetic that I did all this without clearly thinking things through. Telling her that I wanted to help raise Ushio after everything that's happened would have only broken her heart even more. I already took away her daughter; she didn't need me to take her granddaughter as well.

I didn't have to be the person to raise Ushio. She had the best grandparents one could ask for.

"Can I buy one before I go?" I asked, pointing at the bread she had recently shelved. "I haven't had bread from here in a while."

"It's on me," replied Sanae placing one in my hand.

I took a bite out of the bread which was still fresh from the oven.

"You know, this is the first time you've volunteered to eat my bread since the day I met you. How does it taste?"

"Bitter," I answered with a morbid smile before walking out of the store.

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* * *

_A/N:_

_I would first like to start by thanking you for reading this far. Many of you have been followers for quite a while and I am honored to have such wonderful readers. You have all kept me motivated to keep writing to the best of my ability with your kind words and dedication to the story. I hope this chapter did not disappoint you all._

_It has been my greatest desire for a while to finally introduce this part of the story. After deciding that the story wasn't going to end around chapter eleven, I devised a plot that went beyond Tomoya and Kyou's relationship extending to characters like Yoshino and Kouko who played a smaller role in the original. The long awaited encounter with the Furukawa family is finally about to happen (I know right? I'm excited too). I loved writing a love story, but I want this to be a human story that everyone can relate to, even if you never experienced what the characters are going through._

_Unfortunately, I must postpone chapter 15 for some time. I expect to have it finished near the end of April. I had only planned to be absent for most of March, but I will be busy until early to mid April. My job is requiring me to leave for an extended period of time where I will have no access to my writing materials. Rest assured that this is not an indefinite hiatus like before, but a postponement on my scheduled release of April 15._

_Again, I apologize! Thank you for your understanding! And thank you for reading and thinking this story good enough to keep doing so!_


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